McDonald’s Says ‘Secret Menu’ Item McGangBang To Be Added To Official Menu This Summer

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DELUTH, Mississippi – 

For those in the know, most fast food restaurants have always had a ‘secret menu,’ a place where savvy customers could order crazy items built from other items off the ‘common’ menu. At the top of the list of secret items was McDonald’s McGangBang sandwich, which is the biggest, cheapest, item you can get. The sandwich features a McDouble burger, as well as McChicken, smashed together to form a towering heart attack.

McDonald’s long denied the existence of their secret menu, but in the day of the internet, nothing stays a secret for long. With the McGangBang sandwich becoming public knowledge, and a slew of people beginning to not only order the item, but also post pictures online, McDonald’s has said that they are now going to be putting the item on their official menu.

“We are sad that the internet has ruined our secret menu, but at the same time, we’re happy to offer the McGangBang to all our customers,” said McDonald’s CEO Charles King. “We will be officially releasing the product in August to most locations, and it will still only be $2.00 before tax, the cost it is now when ordered as two separate dollar-menu items.”

 

Cannabis-Infused Bacon To Hit Markets Soon

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DENVER, Colorado – 

TriKom Treats, a marijuana edibles company, will soon release what promises to be the most addictive meat ever – THC infused bacon.  Because of the processing, the bacon will actually be lower in fat and sodium than traditional bacon , but even more delicious. It will come in two flavors, hickory smoked wake and bake and mellow-morning maple.

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Eric Nawfel, weed connoisseur, says marijuana users these days aren’t satisfied with just smoking anymore. “They want to get blazed at least three different ways before noon. I start my day with cannabis infused coffee, bacon, and a blunt. That’s the way you do it.”

Owners of TriKom Treats say 10% of the proceeds will go to funding cancer research. Brandon Lewis, who worked out the bacon recipe and is an owner of TriKom Treats, hopes this product will do a lot of good.

“What if a person’s doctor prescribed bacon to cancer patients. That would be rad, man,” said Lewis.

Doctors Say Wrapping Penis In Bacon Is ‘100% Effective’ Contraceptive

Doctors Say Wrapping Penis In Bacon Is '100% Effective' Contraceptive

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A new and delicious method of contraception is being touted as the end to unwanted pregnancy. Doctors say that after many tests, including their own private experiments, wrapping the penis in bacon is 100% effective at preventing conception. Although the mechanics of the method have not been divulged, speculators say that it will revolutionize not just contraception, but sex itself.

“Many sex-hungry adults already incorporate food into their coitus,” said Thibaut Mannis. “From chocolate body paint, to eating peanut butter out of a vagina, our nations borderline perverts have come up with a large variety of ways to utilize the sensation of taste into their experience. This development takes it to a new level.”

Teenage pregnancies in particular are expected to drop drastically, as it is no secret that US youth love bacon as much or more than sex itself.

“The idea of using our nation’s obesity problem to counter irresponsible sexual practices is simply ingenious,” said analyst Michael Barker. “Instead of fighting a losing battle, we’re going to take advantage of one health issue to solve another. Brilliant.”

Michelle Obama is reportedly a fan of the new method, with sources saying it fits in with her drive for healthier eating.

“The First Lady knows that she’ll never succeed at getting bacon off the menu,” said spokesperson Hazel Truman. “She long ago resigned herself to the fact that that unhealthy choice is here to stay. So giving the consumption of bacon a positive use is very much in line with her policies. Furthermore, she reckons that, with the meat potentially being swallowed up by vaginas, it may prevent a certain amount of oral ingestion. Except in the case of oral sex of course.”

Doctor Randy Dougan, who led the groundbreaking study, accepted the plaudits.

“I am a brilliant mind with an even better sexlife,” he announced. “The combination of those aspects, along with my love for food, have brought me to prominence, and I will go down in history, as many horny lovers go down on each other to the delicious taste of pig.”

Elusive Woolly Pig Found Living in Serbia, Plan to Fight for Their Survival

Elusive Woolly Pig Found Living in Serbia, Plan to Fight for Their Survival

SUBOTICA, Serbia –

The Mangalitsa has long been considered a poor attempt at a hoax, with pictures of the strange “woolly pigs” dismissed by zoologists as poor manipulations of photographs. But the existence of the rare breed has been confirmed by hikers in Serbia, having accidentally stumbled upon a large community of the species living peacefully in the country’s mountainous terrain.

“We were very surprised – pleasantly surprised – to find these strange creatures,” said expedition leader Harriet McCormack. “When we came across a high rise fence surrounding an arbitrary area close to our hiking route, we thought that previous hikers must have built a colony for themselves. Turns out, these reclusive animals constructed it in an attempt to keep out of the public eye.”

Reclusive is indeed the word for these majestic mammals. Reporters entered the Mangalitsa colony only to find the members unwilling to talk, only looking at them suspiciously.

“They had a resigned look on their fluffy faces,” said Jina Louisia. “Almost as if they knew this day would come. They stopped what they were doing and went into their houses, probably to spend some time with their families before we massacre them and eat their bacon.”

Late on Tuesday the leader of the settlement, Peggy McGee, released a statement to the press.

“We consider this invasion as an act of war,” it read. “We will do whatever it takes to fight further the human enemy, even if it anyway leads to our deaths. We will die heroically, rather than by the whims of your hateful species.”

The release ended on a positive note, however, saying that although the pigs “are wary of being betrayed as were the now extinct Mouflon sheep in the 1800s, we will welcome a peace deal. There must at least be measures in place so as not to find ourselves on the plates of obese American children.”

At press time, members of the colony were being docilely led en masse into a slaughterhouse, having been told they were simply to receive a haircut and shower.

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