BOSTON, Massachusetts –
A new and delicious method of contraception is being touted as the end to unwanted pregnancy. Doctors say that after many tests, including their own private experiments, wrapping the penis in bacon is 100% effective at preventing conception. Although the mechanics of the method have not been divulged, speculators say that it will revolutionize not just contraception, but sex itself.
“Many sex-hungry adults already incorporate food into their coitus,” said Thibaut Mannis. “From chocolate body paint, to eating peanut butter out of a vagina, our nations borderline perverts have come up with a large variety of ways to utilize the sensation of taste into their experience. This development takes it to a new level.”
Teenage pregnancies in particular are expected to drop drastically, as it is no secret that US youth love bacon as much or more than sex itself.
“The idea of using our nation’s obesity problem to counter irresponsible sexual practices is simply ingenious,” said analyst Michael Barker. “Instead of fighting a losing battle, we’re going to take advantage of one health issue to solve another. Brilliant.”
Michelle Obama is reportedly a fan of the new method, with sources saying it fits in with her drive for healthier eating.
“The First Lady knows that she’ll never succeed at getting bacon off the menu,” said spokesperson Hazel Truman. “She long ago resigned herself to the fact that that unhealthy choice is here to stay. So giving the consumption of bacon a positive use is very much in line with her policies. Furthermore, she reckons that, with the meat potentially being swallowed up by vaginas, it may prevent a certain amount of oral ingestion. Except in the case of oral sex of course.”
Doctor Randy Dougan, who led the groundbreaking study, accepted the plaudits.
“I am a brilliant mind with an even better sexlife,” he announced. “The combination of those aspects, along with my love for food, have brought me to prominence, and I will go down in history, as many horny lovers go down on each other to the delicious taste of pig.”