White Castle To Add ‘Gas-Free’ Sliders To Menu, Removes Onions From Burgers To Protect Ozone Layer

White Castle To Add 'Gas-Free' Sliders To Menu, Removes Onions From Burgers To Protect Ozone Layer

COLUMBUS, Ohio –

The Obama Administration recently issued a statement saying that White Castle, a fast food restaurant famous for their gas-festering slider hamburgers, and deal sealer onion rings, is just as harmful to the Ozone Layer as retro muscle cars and Harley-Davidson motorcycles combined. That press release, issued by Josh Earnest, began to push the 93-year-old burger franchise into exploring alternatives to replace the gastrointestinal fuels in their otherwise healthy foods.

Yesterday, CEO E.W. Ingram announced that major menu changes would occur this summer. “Without affecting or changing the taste of our classic Sliders, food scientists have discovered new methods of using manufactured, chemically engineered ingredients so that our burgers will no longer give consumers Ozone Layer harmful gas,” he said.

“One other big menu change consists of removing all onions from the menu completely, to make sure we please all environmentalists. In place of onion rings, the company has voted to include fresh vegetables such as broccoli and asparagus,” Ingram revealed.

A widely unpopular adjustement according to weekend drunkards and pot smokers, such as Ohio State University English literature major Omar Chonga. “Man, I just don’t get it, I mean, man. It’s just not cool,” Chonga stated. “They’re messing with the best burgers around. Well, best when you’re too messed up to actually taste anything.”

One thing Ingram was pleased to mention was that White Castle would now officially be the most healthy fast food chain in the country, according to The Bakersfield Post Gaxette. “It is a new era, live long and prosper!” Ingram shouted from the oak podium, which included a shiny chrome “WC” logo.

Man Dies From Spontaneous Combustion After Eating Record 107 White Castle Hamburgers

COLUMBUS, Ohio – Man Dies From Spontaneous Combustion Hours After Eating Record 107 White Castle Hamburgers

In an extremely bizarre incident, a 35-year-old man from Radcliff, Kentucky has died from the medical phenomenon known as Spontaneous Human Combustion (SHC) while staying at a Holiday Inn in Columbus, Ohio, just hours after breaking the world record for most White Castle hamburgers eaten at a competitive eating competition, sponsored by the organization known as Major League Eating.

Raymond Carter Fitzgerald traveled to Columbus from Kentucky to compete in the 34th annual National White Castle Hamburger Eating Challenge, which took place yesterday afternoon at Ohio State University. Fitzgerald went on to break Joey Chestnuts record of 103 White Castles eaten in 8 minutes by consuming 107 burgers in just under 7 minutes. What happened just 4 hours later has puzzled and shocked medical experts, while proving ultimately tragic for friends and relatives of Fitzgerald.

Fitzgerald’s girlfriend, Molly Owenton, also of Radcliff, Kentucky, told police she returned to their hotel room at about 11:15 pm after making a trip to a local Walgreens to pick up a bottle of Pepto Bismol, stating that Fitzgerald had been complaining of excruciating abdominal pain and gas, when she terrifyingly discovered the deceased body of her beloved, which was still smoldering and smoking when she arrived.

Columbus Police Department spokesperson Edward Stanton told members of the Associated Press that it was a gruesome scene.

“Upon entering the hotel room of Mr. Fitzgerald and Ms. Owenton, police officers reported that the offensive smell was so overpowering that several officers retreated to their squad cars to retrieve their police-issued gas masks. The body of Mr. Fitzgerald continued to smolder for hours. His hands and feet were completely burned off, almost as if he had been electrocuted,” Stanton said. “After hours of investigating, our forensic expert declared that this was, indeed, a very rare case of what is known as Spontaneous Human Combustion. It was also decided that there was no apparent external source of ignition, and the body somehow ignited itself from within. At this time, and after interviewing Ms. Owenton, officials speculate that the build up of gas in the abdomen was most likely the culprit.”

When asked about the case, White Castle management expressed their condolences to the family and friends of Mr. Fitzgerald, and added that they would undoubtedly be sending out White Castle gift certificates to the family for the holidays.

Officials have stated that the case, and its investigation, are ongoing, as police correspond with scientific experts from Ohio State University. Foul play is not suspected.

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.