Woman Accidentally Bites Boyfriend’s Penis Off In Movie Theater

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Woman Accidently Bites Boyfriends Penis Off In Movie Theater
The exterior of the General Cinema theater in Indianapolis, where a man recently had his penis accidentally bitten off

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana – 

In a wildly bizarre freak accident in an Indianapolis General Cinema movie theater, a man has found himself without a penis. Juanita Hatfield, 21, accidentally bit off her boyfriends penis during a showing of the film Penguins of Madagascar.

The man, 48-year-old Lester Drubbins of Nobelsville, Indiana, was rushed to St. Vincent Indianapolis Hospital by EMS, and remains in critical but stable condition.

Chauncey Lewis and his girlfriend, Monique Johnson, had accompanied Hatfield and Drubbins as part of a double-date, and witnessed the accident.

“I can’t stop thinking about it, I can’t get his screams out of my head,” said Lewis, 43. “We were fooling around, you know, and they were fooling around, too. You know how couples do things when they go out to the movies. Anyway, next thing I know, Les jumps up screaming, and he’s holding his private area. It was then I noticed Juanita spit something out into her hand and then she began screaming, too, when she realized what had happened.”

Lewis also said the two had been fighting before they all went out to the movies, but had made up.

“It crossed my mind that she might have done it on purpose, but that is probably just because I was in shock. They made up and were kissing and fondling before we ever went in. I even joked to Les about dating a woman so much younger than he was. I said ‘Keep messing with these young chicks and your dick’s gonna fall off!’ So coincidental that it really happened about an hour later. Poor fella.”

When emergency personnel questioned Hatfield about the incident, she explained there was a really loud noise in the movie and it scared her, causing an involuntary reaction of biting down as hard as she could on Drubbins’ penis.

Doctors unsuccessfully attempted to re-attach the penis. Despite being the only people in the theatre aside from their friends, the couple do face charges of indecent exposure and possibly even corrupting the morals of a child, due to the general nature of the film.

 

 

Man Dies From Spontaneous Combustion After Eating Record 107 White Castle Hamburgers

COLUMBUS, Ohio – Man Dies From Spontaneous Combustion Hours After Eating Record 107 White Castle Hamburgers

In an extremely bizarre incident, a 35-year-old man from Radcliff, Kentucky has died from the medical phenomenon known as Spontaneous Human Combustion (SHC) while staying at a Holiday Inn in Columbus, Ohio, just hours after breaking the world record for most White Castle hamburgers eaten at a competitive eating competition, sponsored by the organization known as Major League Eating.

Raymond Carter Fitzgerald traveled to Columbus from Kentucky to compete in the 34th annual National White Castle Hamburger Eating Challenge, which took place yesterday afternoon at Ohio State University. Fitzgerald went on to break Joey Chestnuts record of 103 White Castles eaten in 8 minutes by consuming 107 burgers in just under 7 minutes. What happened just 4 hours later has puzzled and shocked medical experts, while proving ultimately tragic for friends and relatives of Fitzgerald.

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Fitzgerald’s girlfriend, Molly Owenton, also of Radcliff, Kentucky, told police she returned to their hotel room at about 11:15 pm after making a trip to a local Walgreens to pick up a bottle of Pepto Bismol, stating that Fitzgerald had been complaining of excruciating abdominal pain and gas, when she terrifyingly discovered the deceased body of her beloved, which was still smoldering and smoking when she arrived.

Columbus Police Department spokesperson Edward Stanton told members of the Associated Press that it was a gruesome scene.

“Upon entering the hotel room of Mr. Fitzgerald and Ms. Owenton, police officers reported that the offensive smell was so overpowering that several officers retreated to their squad cars to retrieve their police-issued gas masks. The body of Mr. Fitzgerald continued to smolder for hours. His hands and feet were completely burned off, almost as if he had been electrocuted,” Stanton said. “After hours of investigating, our forensic expert declared that this was, indeed, a very rare case of what is known as Spontaneous Human Combustion. It was also decided that there was no apparent external source of ignition, and the body somehow ignited itself from within. At this time, and after interviewing Ms. Owenton, officials speculate that the build up of gas in the abdomen was most likely the culprit.”

When asked about the case, White Castle management expressed their condolences to the family and friends of Mr. Fitzgerald, and added that they would undoubtedly be sending out White Castle gift certificates to the family for the holidays.

Officials have stated that the case, and its investigation, are ongoing, as police correspond with scientific experts from Ohio State University. Foul play is not suspected.

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