Man Dies Of Hypothermia Waiting In Line For New ‘Star Wars’ Film

Posted on December 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A Boston man has died after reportedly suffering from hypothermia while waiting in line for the new Star Wars movie, which opens this weekend in theaters.

The man, Chuck Conway, 29, had been sleeping outside of the AMC Theater in downtown Boston since Sunday evening, trying to be the first in line.

“We saw him line up outside the doors on Sunday afternoon. He came prepared with a sleeping bag, a tent, and some books to read,” said AMC theater manager Joe Goldsmith. “We couldn’t believe he’d get here that early. It was insane.”

Friends say that Conway was a Star Wars super fan, and that he’d spent most of the year saving up to be able to afford to take time off from his job at McDonald’s and wait in line.

“Chuck was a hell of a guy, but not very bright, really,” said friend and co-worker Mitch Jacobs. “I mean, the tickets went on sale months ago, and he already had a ticket. Hell, AMC even makes you pick your seat ahead of time, so there was literally no reason for him to go stand in line. It’s a real shame he died over something so menial and stupid. But hey, more hours for me at work, right?”

Disney, the company releasing Star Wars: The Force Awakens said in a public comment that it was “tragic” that a fan had died, but offered no sympathy. AMC Theaters said they would offer a memorial service for Chuck at one of their locations, and that any who wanted to attend could get in for the matinee discount rate.

Several Movie Theaters Begin Showing TV Broadcasts To Boost Revenue

Posted on May 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

In hopes of competing with the growing trend of watching movies and TV at home via streaming services and DVDs, several small, independent movie theatres are now trying a drastic change in programming to get people through the door.

“Yup, we’re airing TV shows now every day during the day,” said theater owner Marlon Jones of Los Angeles. “It used to be that we packed the auditoriums every night, especially on weekends, and we made tons of money. Now it seems people would rather stay home and watch TV shows or Netflix series. We need to change with the times.”

Jones says he decided to start showing TV series and Netflix originals a few months ago, and his first go-round was with Daredevil, the new series that was just released to Netflix.

“We had tons of people flocking in to watch that on the big screen,” said Jones. “That show is very impressive, and no doubt plenty of people watched it at home on their big screens, but it’s nothing like seeing it on a screen of this size.”

Jones says that he is preparing to exhibit other programs as well, including daytime talk shows and TV soaps.

“I know it will be weird seeing Ellen on the big screen again, since she hasn’t made a movie in 20 years, but it will also be fun,” said Jones. “I’ll get all the old biddies in here to watch Ellen or The View or whatever. They’ll pay for it, no doubt about it. It’s the experience, after all.”

Jones says that he will continue to air these TV shows in his theater until he is told to stop by the networks.

“Oh, I definitely didn’t ask for permission. God no. They’d want money, and they don’t need it. I need it. It’s all for the greater good,” said Jones.

Movie Theatres Begin Charging Extra To Patrons Who Leave Behind Mess

Posted on April 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Several large movie theatre chains have come together to begin enforcing new rules in their establishments. According to memos sent to employees for General Cinema, Cinema Center, Frontier Theaters, and Cineline Theaters, all state that beginning May 1st, patrons who leave behind their popcorn bags or buckets, or soda cups will be forced to pay an “exit fee.”

“Basically, we gave up on people. It is impossible for most theatre customers to buy food, take it into the theatre, and then take it back out again when they leave,” said General Cinema manager Tom Joseph. “Instead, before patrons are allowed to leave, we will watch to see who leaves behind their food, or who has spilled or made large messes in the aisles. These people will have to pay an additional $5, or be forced to clean up their own mess.”

“The entire project is a cost-saving measure for us,” said Cineline CEO Milton Browne. “We pay employees top minimum-wage dollars to work for us, and they have to clean up after hundreds, maybe thousands of people a day, who cannot seem to get the popcorn from the bucket to their faces without throwing it over three aisles. It’s absurd. This way, people will be inclined to keep things neat and tidy, or else they’ll be faced with a fine. No different than a littering fine out in the world.”

Most patrons say that they will refuse to continue seeing movies in the theatre if they are forced to pay additional fees.

“This is some serious bullshit,” said frequent movie goer Charles Demar. “I like to go in with my nachos, chips, drinks, and huge bags of candy, plop my fat ass in a seat, and proceed to plow through it all, making as much of a mess as I want. Now they want me to stay neat or pay an additional fine? Get real.”

“I will never go to any of these theatres again,” said Bonnie Richards, a mother of 3 small children. “I often take my wreckless, loud, obnoxious, asshole children with me to see movies, and they like to run around and throw popcorn and make a mess. I should be allowed to let them do that, while disturbing everyone else in the theatre, and then not have to worry about cleaning up after them. I do enough cleaning up at home. Frankly, I hope every single one of these chains goes out of business.”

Movie Theatre Popcorn Linked To Erectile Dysfunction

Posted on April 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

It might be a good idea to lay off those refillable combos at your local multiplex, fellas. A recent study released by the American Journal Of Erectile Function states that popcorn, specifically the kind that is served at your local movie theatre, can play a significant part in erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation.

“If you’re a movie buff, and you’re finding it hard to get it up and keep it up, it’s probably from years of abuse to your penis – via kettle-popped popcorn,” said Dr. Frances Joseph, professor of penile studies at American Journal. “As it turns out, chemicals that are commonly used in the popcorn salt flavoring, as well as the oil, has a significant result in that it keeps the penis super relaxed. It’s something we’re still not understanding completely, but are trying to find the precise link.”

Joseph says that the “butter flavoring” that theatres use isn’t much better for your body, but does have the alternate use of being capable of being a fantastic personal lubricant.

“In our research and discovery, we tested many parts of the popcorn that is commonly served in theatres, and we also took the liberty of breaking down and researching the fake butter used as well,” said Joseph. “It turns out it’s mostly water-based lubricants, much like sex lube, and can be used in mostly the same way with very little issue.”

Joseph says that he is asking men to discontinue eating movie theatre popcorn on their visits to the local multiplex, unless they’ve already had children are not interested in having more. The study indicated that it will take its findings to multiple theatre chains to work out new recipes for popcorn and new methods of cooking that do not decrease a man’s sexual levels.

Woman Accidentally Bites Boyfriend’s Penis Off In Movie Theater

Posted on December 21, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

Woman Accidently Bites Boyfriends Penis Off In Movie Theater — The exterior of the General Cinema theater in Indianapolis, where a man recently had his penis accidentally bitten off

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

In a wildly bizarre freak accident in an Indianapolis General Cinema movie theater, a man has found himself without a penis. Juanita Hatfield, 21, accidentally bit off her boyfriends penis during a showing of the film Penguins of Madagascar.

The man, 48-year-old Lester Drubbins of Nobelsville, Indiana, was rushed to St. Vincent Indianapolis Hospital by EMS, and remains in critical but stable condition.

Chauncey Lewis and his girlfriend, Monique Johnson, had accompanied Hatfield and Drubbins as part of a double-date, and witnessed the accident.

“I can’t stop thinking about it, I can’t get his screams out of my head,” said Lewis, 43. “We were fooling around, you know, and they were fooling around, too. You know how couples do things when they go out to the movies. Anyway, next thing I know, Les jumps up screaming, and he’s holding his private area. It was then I noticed Juanita spit something out into her hand and then she began screaming, too, when she realized what had happened.”

Lewis also said the two had been fighting before they all went out to the movies, but had made up.

“It crossed my mind that she might have done it on purpose, but that is probably just because I was in shock. They made up and were kissing and fondling before we ever went in. I even joked to Les about dating a woman so much younger than he was. I said ‘Keep messing with these young chicks and your dick’s gonna fall off!’ So coincidental that it really happened about an hour later. Poor fella.”

When emergency personnel questioned Hatfield about the incident, she explained there was a really loud noise in the movie and it scared her, causing an involuntary reaction of biting down as hard as she could on Drubbins’ penis.

Doctors unsuccessfully attempted to re-attach the penis. Despite being the only people in the theatre aside from their friends, the couple do face charges of indecent exposure and possibly even corrupting the morals of a child, due to the general nature of the film.

Man Tries To Warn Packed Movie Theatre of Fire, No One Believes Him

Posted on June 10, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FRESNO, California –

A movie theatre in Fresno, California caught fire Monday night after a malfunction in the popcorn kettle caused the drum of oil beneath it to ignite.

Theatre manager Tom Brown ran into the auditorium of the one-screen theatre, trying to warn the patrons that they needed to get out by yelling “fire!” Most theatre patrons ignored him, and some even told him to be quiet. As one customer said, everyone believed he was just “being a jerk.”

“I thought he was just ‘yelling fire in a crowded theatre,’ you know?” Said one man, interviewed outside the theatre, mouth full of popcorn. “We thought it was just a joke – some moron getting his laughs. I really wanted to see what happened to Magneto, so I was mostly ignoring him. Then the screen suddenly caught on fire, and I think everyone knew it was real.”

The small theatre was completely destroyed in the blaze, although there were no reported injuries.

“I am so glad that we were all able to make it out okay.” Said Chris Bartlett, who was there with his wife and two small children. “I think they really need to have some sort of new word they use instead of ‘fire!’, at least when it happens in a theatre, you know? Maybe something like ‘Goobers!’ or ‘Reese’s Pieces!’ could be yelled instead. Then everyone would know it was for real.”

Brown says that next time he’s working at a theatre that catches on fire, he’ll just pull the fire alarm.