Movie Theatre Collapses During Midnight Showing of ‘Rocky Horror’

SANFORD, Michigan – 

Tragedy befell over 150 people as an entire movie theatre auditorium collapsed during a midnight show of the popular cult flick The Rocky Horror Picture Show. The movie, which is the longest running theatrically released film in movie history, is played year-round throughout the country, usually at midnight shows. Halloween-time is especially popular for the film to be shown.

“It’s so sad, so unbelievably sad. I barely made it out alive, and most people did not,” said theatre manager Joe Goldsmith. “The film was barely getting started. We were only at the Time Warp scene. Unfortunately, that’s where a lot of the major audience participation begins.”

Moviegoers of the film are often dressed in costume as their favorite character, and the movie is an interactive experience. Line call-backs, throwing items around the auditorium, and dancing are not uncommon.

“It was just when they started doing the jumps to the left, and the steps to the right,” said Goldsmith. “On the first jump, the building shook a little. I noticed it, but I thought it was just the bass from the sound system. By the third jump to the left, though, the ceiling was crumbling. That final step to the right brought the whole place down.”

Goldsmith said that theatre was almost 120 years old, and the combination of the thumping sound system and the enthusaiastic movie-goers was too much.

“The whole entire theatre collapsed. Over 150 were trapped inside. It was horrible. There was rice and toast, and rolls of toilet paper scattered all over the debris,” said rescue worker Bill Silver. “It was a real mental mindfuck. But I can honestly say, it wasn’t nice.”


Movie Theatres Begin Charging Extra To Patrons Who Leave Behind Mess

Movie Theatres Begin Charging Extra To Patrons Who Leave Behind Mess

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Several large movie theatre chains have come together to begin enforcing new rules in their establishments. According to memos sent to employees for General Cinema, Cinema Center, Frontier Theaters, and Cineline Theaters, all state that beginning May 1st, patrons who leave behind their popcorn bags or buckets, or soda cups will be forced to pay an “exit fee.”

“Basically, we gave up on people. It is impossible for most theatre customers to buy food, take it into the theatre, and then take it back out again when they leave,” said General Cinema manager Tom Joseph. “Instead, before patrons are allowed to leave, we will watch to see who leaves behind their food, or who has spilled or made large messes in the aisles. These people will have to pay an additional $5, or be forced to clean up their own mess.”

“The entire project is a cost-saving measure for us,” said Cineline CEO Milton Browne. “We pay employees top minimum-wage dollars to work for us, and they have to clean up after hundreds, maybe thousands of people a day, who cannot seem to get the popcorn from the bucket to their faces without throwing it over three aisles. It’s absurd. This way, people will be inclined to keep things neat and tidy, or else they’ll be faced with a fine. No different than a littering fine out in the world.”

Most patrons say that they will refuse to continue seeing movies in the theatre if they are forced to pay additional fees.

“This is some serious bullshit,” said frequent movie goer Charles Demar. “I like to go in with my nachos, chips, drinks, and huge bags of candy, plop my fat ass in a seat, and proceed to plow through it all, making as much of a mess as I want. Now they want me to stay neat or pay an additional fine? Get real.”

“I will never go to any of these theatres again,” said Bonnie Richards, a mother of 3 small children. “I often take my wreckless, loud, obnoxious, asshole children with me to see movies, and they like to run around and throw popcorn and make a mess. I should be allowed to let them do that, while disturbing everyone else in the theatre, and then not have to worry about cleaning up after them. I do enough cleaning up at home. Frankly, I hope every single one of these chains goes out of business.”

Movie Theatre Popcorn Linked To Erectile Dysfunction

Movie Theatre Popcorn Linked To Erectile Dysfunction

HOLLYWOOD, California –

It might be a good idea to lay off those refillable combos at your local multiplex, fellas. A recent study released by the American Journal Of Erectile Function states that popcorn, specifically the kind that is served at your local movie theatre, can play a significant part in erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation.

“If you’re a movie buff, and you’re finding it hard to get it up and keep it up, it’s probably from years of abuse to your penis – via kettle-popped popcorn,” said Dr. Frances Joseph, professor of penile studies at American Journal. “As it turns out, chemicals that are commonly used in the popcorn salt flavoring, as well as the oil, has a significant result in that it keeps the penis super relaxed. It’s something we’re still not understanding completely, but are trying to find the precise link.”

Joseph says that the “butter flavoring” that theatres use isn’t much better for your body, but does have the alternate use of being capable of being a fantastic personal lubricant.

“In our research and discovery, we tested many parts of the popcorn that is commonly served in theatres, and we also took the liberty of breaking down and researching the fake butter used as well,” said Joseph. “It turns out it’s mostly water-based lubricants, much like sex lube, and can be used in mostly the same way with very little issue.”

Joseph says that he is asking men to discontinue eating movie theatre popcorn on their visits to the local multiplex, unless they’ve already had children are not interested in having more. The study indicated that it will take its findings to multiple theatre chains to work out new recipes for popcorn and new methods of cooking that do not decrease a man’s sexual levels.

Independent Theatre Owner Calls Major Chains, Film Studio ‘Pussies,’ Still Wants To Play ‘The Interview’

CONCORD, Massachusetts – theinterviewposter Independent Movie Theatre Will Still Play 'The Interview', Owner Calls Major Theatre Owners 'A Bunch of Scared Pussies'2222Independent Movie Theatre Will Still Play 'The Interview', Owner Calls Major Theatre Owners 'A Bunch of Scared Pussies'2222

With news breaking late Tuesday evening that most major movie theatre chains – including AMC, Cinemark, Cinemagic, and Regal, among others – would be dropping their bookings for the Seth Rogen comedy The Interview over threats of violence from hackers, Sony Pictures officially announced that they would be pulling the film from theatres all together.

One lone theatre owner in Massachusetts says he’s upset that he’s being denied a movie he’s had pre-booked for weeks.

“I should be able to show whatever Goddamned movie I want to show,” said Cletus Lorde, 79. “I’ve been showing the pictures here for the last 53 years, and my dad was showing ’em for another 40 before that. We’ve always showed what the people want to see, and the local kids have said they want to see that film.”

Lorde says he is carrying on a tradition of showing controversial films started by his father, Francis Lorde, when he showed the pro-Ku Klux Klan film The Birth of a Nation back in 1917.

“Dad fought the town like crazy to be able to play that. The entire city council tried to shut the theatre down, but dad stood his ground and, in the end, he played it. The movie sold out every show for 2 straight months. Controversy brings the dollars. That’s another reason I want to make sure I play this movie. There’s a Regal theatre a few miles away; been stealing my business for the last decade. ‘Bout time I take some back, if I do say so myself.”

Sony Pictures, the distribution company for The Interview originally said they had no plans of completely pulling the film from theatres, and would stand behind any company that didn’t wish to play it, but changed their stance on Wednesday afternoon.

“Those big-wigs at the megaplex chains and the studios, they’re all a bunch of scared little pussies,” said Lorde. “Those big-talking internet assclowns ain’t gonna do nothing to nobody. It’s all hogwash. You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if the film company themselves is making this big deal out of it just to drum up business for when they release it on DVD. Damn home video is killing my theatre. Well I tell you what, ol’ Cletus ain’t afraid of no internet people, and I ain’t afraid to show a movie with a little controversy, neither. If they change their minds yet again, my theatre will absolutely play it.”

When asked what he thought about the fact that  Sony was essentially giving in to demands of bullies, Lorde said he’s not surprised. “It’s just a giant kick in the balls, both to potential viewers, and to little theatres like me who need that business,” said Lorde. “Looks like the terrorists really have won, because instead of The Interview, a movie people actually wanted to see, I’ll be stuck playing Annie, a movie no one even asked for. I hate Hollywood.”

Man Tries To Warn Packed Movie Theatre of Fire, No One Believes Him

FRESNO, California – Empire-News-Man-Tries-To-Warn-Packed-Theatre-Theater-Of-Fire-No-One-Believes-Him

A movie theatre in Fresno, California caught fire Monday night after a malfunction in the popcorn kettle caused the drum of oil beneath it to ignite.

Theatre manager Tom Brown ran into the auditorium of the one-screen theatre, trying to warn the patrons that they needed to get out by yelling “fire!” Most theatre patrons ignored him, and some even told him to be quiet. As one customer said, everyone believed he was just “being a jerk.”

“I thought he was just ‘yelling fire in a crowded theatre,’ you know?” Said one man, interviewed outside the theatre, mouth full of popcorn. “We thought it was just a joke – some moron getting his laughs. I really wanted to see what happened to Magneto, so I was mostly ignoring him. Then the screen suddenly caught on fire, and I think everyone knew it was real.”

The small theatre was completely destroyed in the blaze, although there were no reported injuries.

“I am so glad that we were all able to make it out okay.” Said Chris Bartlett, who was there with his wife and two small children. “I think they really need to have some sort of new word they use instead of ‘fire!’, at least when it happens in a theatre, you know? Maybe something like ‘Goobers!’ or ‘Reese’s Pieces!’ could be yelled instead. Then everyone would know it was for real.”

Brown says that next time he’s working at a theatre that catches on fire, he’ll just pull the fire alarm.

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