Government Forces Company To Remove The Term ‘Diet’ From All Foods

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Have you had a diet soda recently? We don’t suppose it helped you lose any weight, did it? Of course not. But, the United States government thinks that ‘diet’ has become a word synonymous with losing weight, and has decided to ban it from all food and packaging that shoppers would be exposed to.

“If you go to the store and get a Diet Pepsi, I’d expect, as a normal, everyday kind of guy, that I should be able to drink it and lose weight,” said Mario Lewis, who started a petition with change.org to get the government to remove the label. “I drank a Diet Soda every single day for nearly 20 years. It was my diet plan. All I got from that much diet drink was cancer. I didn’t lose a pound.”

“We agree that something has to change, and so we’ve made the decision to ban the word ‘diet’ from food packaging,” said USDA representative Carl Pooler. “Starting January 1st, ‘diets’ will be a thing of the past. What the new term is, we haven’t decided. We may leave that up to the producer of the specific food.”

This ban comes after similar ones from years past, such as the tobacco industry being forced to remove the term “light” to describe their cigarettes, when those things were still filled with the same amount of rat poison, cow shit, and black death as their “full flavor” counterparts.

 

Aspartame Addicts Brow Beat Pepsi Into Bringing Back The Artificial Sweetener

dietpepsi

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Diet Pepsi’s divorce from artificial sweetener aspartame didn’t last long. Customers who swear they can taste the difference between the old and new diet Pepsi demanded they bring back aspartame, and fearing they will lost sales to Coke, PepsiCo has complied.

PepsiCo said Monday that it would reintroduce a version of Diet Pepsi made with aspartame, which it had abandoned last year following public pressure over questions about the sweetener’s health effects.

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Long time diet Pepsi drinking Irwin Erwin wrote multiple letters demanding the return of his favorite drink. “These health nuts are taking away everything good in America. So what if aspartame causes cancer? Everything causes cancer these days. If I want to drink my diet Pepsi, while smoking a cigarette and eating a pack of nitrate laden hot dogs, that’s my right as an American.”

The new offering, sweetened with aspartame and Ace-K, will be called Diet Pepsi Classic Sweetener Blend and will be offered in 12-packs, 2-liter bottles and 20-ounce bottles. Diet Pepsi sweetened with sucralose and Ace-K — the version that replaced the aspartame kind in summer 2015 — will remain as Pepsi’s primary calorie-free cola, including in fountain drinks.

Dr. Pepper Announces Production Halt, Purchase By Coca-Cola

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

The Coca-Cola Company says that they have purchased the rights to one of their biggest rivals from 7-Up Co., Dr. Pepper. The company says that they have plans to discontinue the product sometime in the summer of 2016, with plans to create their own, offshoot product that is “very similar” in taste to Dr. Pepper.

“After 131 years of quenching Americans thirst, Dr. Pepper will halt production in the Summer of 2016,” said Coca-Cola spokesman Mark Carson. “Though sales have always remained consistent, the 7-Up company can no longer compete with other soda producers using cheaper ingredients, such as ours. Rights to the recipe have been sold to us at Coca-Cola, and we have plans to stop producing the beverage later this year. Following shortly, a new Coca-Cola-branded version of a Dr. Pepper substitute will come out.”

Representatives for Dr. Pepper released a statement saying they were “extremely depressed” by the sale of the beverage recipe, but that they had “no choice” with the offer Coke made. They will continue to market and distribute their other flagship soda, 7-Up.

Coca-Cola To Bring Back Original Recipe Soda Made With Cocaine

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

For years, Coca-Cola has been the only company in the world with government licensing to import the coca plant, the same one used in making cocaine, for use in their products. The company literally “de-cocanizies” the plants, and uses natural extracts of them to create the “natural flavors” of the soda. All that changes, though, next month, when Coca-Cola brings back their original recipe, which no longer takes the cocaine out of the coca plant.

“Back in the day, the original recipe for Coca-Cola called for actual cocaine extract, as it was a medicine and not a drink,” said company CEO Reed Sterling. “We plan to bring back that original recipe, and market it as a beverage. In this day and age, kids are looking for the next hot, new beverage. We believe Original Coca-Cola will be that drink.”

Sterling says that the normal price of the beverage, which is approximately $2 on average for a 2-liter, will, of course, drastically increase.

“Unfortunately, with these awesome changes we’re making, a market increase will naturally have to occur,” said Sterling. “The current average price of $2 will be closer to $30 based on the amount of cocaine we will be using per batch, per bottle, but we really feel that our consumers will enjoy the taste of what we’re calling Coca-Caineola.”

The new beverage is expected to hit shelves next month, in direct competition with PepsiCo’s new Pepsi 1893, which is made with real kola extract and natural sugars.

Anonymous Bidder Spends $3.5 Million On ‘Share A Coke With Trump’ Bottle

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

An anonymous online bidder on eBay has reportedly paid over $3.5 million for a bottle of Coca-Cola with the slogan ‘Share a Coke With Trump’ written on it. The bottle, which comes directly from the Trump campaign, is reportedly signed by Trump, and all proceeds go “back into the campaign,” the auction said.

“I am extremely honored that someone would donate that much to my campaign, and I am glad that because of the way that we set up this auction, it is completely legal and totally tax free,” said Trump. “Because the donator was so generous, I will also be sending him a 12-pack of Coca-Cola cans, so that he can enjoy the smooth taste of the best soda on the market.”

Coca-Cola stock dropped to all-time lows after the announcement, with most people falsely assuming that Coca-Cola sponsored The Donald. A spokesman for Coca-Cola says that there is “no way in hell” that they support Donald Trump, and that the company does not make its political leanings known, except to remind people to always vote Coke over Pepsi.

Doctors Advise Drinking Coca-Cola Can Help To Cure Diabetes

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

A recent study by a team of medical professionals hired by the Coca-Cola company reportedly proves that drinking the soda in large amounts can effectively cure diabetes in people who suffer from the disease.

“The way that Coca-Cola is made, we found that is has extremely high levels of sugar, and normally that would be bad,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, one of the lead researchers hired by the company. “But, what happens when you drink extreme amounts of Coca-Cola is that your body almost ‘forgets’ that it is drinking sugar. If you drink nothing but Coca-Cola and Coca-Cola products, eventually your body gets used to it, and believes, essentially, that you are drinking water.”

Brown says they studied 500 people with diabetes, and put them on a strict diet of nothing but Coca-Cola.

“I have been drinking nothing but Coke for over a year now,” said test subject Jamal Jenkins. “I feel mostly okay. I don’t move to good, since they removed my feet awhile back, but otherwise, I’m pretty decent. I’m also stoked that I have a lifetime supply of Coke thanks to being a part of this project. I do love me some soda. Can’t beat the real thing.”

Brown states that of the 500 people who had diabetes at the start of the research program, 132 of them had since died, and the rest still had diabetes.

“We’re counting those deaths in the ‘win’ column,” said Brown. “Those people definitely don’t have diabetes anymore.”

Coca-Cola To Release Clear Cola, ‘Diamond Coke’

Coca-Cola To Release Clear Cola, 'Diamond Coke'

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Coca-Cola officials have announced plans to release a new line of clear colas, dubbed Diamond Coke, after a craze in Europe has caused Pepsi to plan a relaunch of their Crystal Pepsi soda from the 80s.

“In the 80s, our largest competitor launched a clear cola, and frankly, it tasted like straight shit,” said Coke spokesman Charles DeMar. “We have created a perfect formula to launch Diamond Coke to the market with the exact same taste of regular Coca-Cola, but without all that black, brownish color. I can assure everyone that it tastes amazing.”

“Clearly naming their product Diamond Coke was a middle finger to Pepsi, and their ‘Crystal’ branding back in the day,” said frequent soda drinker Marvin Henry. “Frankly, I’m a Coke man through-and-through, so I will be buying plenty of Diamond as soon as it’s released. Diamonds are a guys best friend, now!”

Coca-Cola says that they plan to release their new Diamond sodas later this year. The soda will be available in original, cherry, and diet varieties.

In similar news, Coke says they are also looking to launch a dark version of their clear Sprite brand.

“We hope that Sprite Black takes off for us – all the great lemon-lime flavor of Sprite, but without all the pesky clearness!” said DeMar.

Movie Theatres Begin Charging Extra To Patrons Who Leave Behind Mess

Movie Theatres Begin Charging Extra To Patrons Who Leave Behind Mess

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Several large movie theatre chains have come together to begin enforcing new rules in their establishments. According to memos sent to employees for General Cinema, Cinema Center, Frontier Theaters, and Cineline Theaters, all state that beginning May 1st, patrons who leave behind their popcorn bags or buckets, or soda cups will be forced to pay an “exit fee.”

“Basically, we gave up on people. It is impossible for most theatre customers to buy food, take it into the theatre, and then take it back out again when they leave,” said General Cinema manager Tom Joseph. “Instead, before patrons are allowed to leave, we will watch to see who leaves behind their food, or who has spilled or made large messes in the aisles. These people will have to pay an additional $5, or be forced to clean up their own mess.”

“The entire project is a cost-saving measure for us,” said Cineline CEO Milton Browne. “We pay employees top minimum-wage dollars to work for us, and they have to clean up after hundreds, maybe thousands of people a day, who cannot seem to get the popcorn from the bucket to their faces without throwing it over three aisles. It’s absurd. This way, people will be inclined to keep things neat and tidy, or else they’ll be faced with a fine. No different than a littering fine out in the world.”

Most patrons say that they will refuse to continue seeing movies in the theatre if they are forced to pay additional fees.

“This is some serious bullshit,” said frequent movie goer Charles Demar. “I like to go in with my nachos, chips, drinks, and huge bags of candy, plop my fat ass in a seat, and proceed to plow through it all, making as much of a mess as I want. Now they want me to stay neat or pay an additional fine? Get real.”

“I will never go to any of these theatres again,” said Bonnie Richards, a mother of 3 small children. “I often take my wreckless, loud, obnoxious, asshole children with me to see movies, and they like to run around and throw popcorn and make a mess. I should be allowed to let them do that, while disturbing everyone else in the theatre, and then not have to worry about cleaning up after them. I do enough cleaning up at home. Frankly, I hope every single one of these chains goes out of business.”

Water To Be Banned In Washington Public Schools After Board Finds It ‘Unhealthy’

SEATTLE, Washington – Water To Be Banned In Washington Public Schools After Board Finds It 'Unhealthy'

A new food regulation passed by the Washington State School Board is set to start after the holiday vacation.

Beginning in January, all water and ‘water-related products’ will be banned from public schools. The decision was made as a safety measure with board leaders claiming water is too unhealthy to have in any school.

“With childhood obesity, food allergies, and other concerns with what our schools feed children, you would have to think water would be the last thing that would be banned,” said school board member Joan Myles. “But we don’t have the money to test the local water system, and fear an unclean water source can lead to health issues that could make our children sick or shut down the school.”

“We have decided to cut out the middle man and save a few dollars, while making sure the risk of water won’t plague the future of our schools,” said school board president Richard Head. “Programs in schools are getting cut left and right, and now this is just another thing that will become a past memory when thinking about your schools, like music education or pizza day.”

Parents have argued that students should be able to drink water brought from home while in class, as many local residents have private wells on their property, but school board has said that will be a no-go either, as they are claiming it as a possible ‘choking hazard.’

“Lunches that will be provided at the school will also have to be made without water,” said Head. “The portions will also be cut down so children can properly swallow their food without choking. Don’t think of this is a negative change, just think of it as something that could save your child’s life. They won’t need water, because we have Coca-Cola machines that are being installed in the cafeteria and in several hallways throughout the school.”

 

New 150 oz. Mega-Sized Drinks To Be Released In 7-11 Convenience Stores

CONCORD, New Hampshire – New 150 oz. Mega-Sized Drinks To Be Released In 7-11 Convenience Stores

One of America’s largest convenience store chains, 7-11, has announced this morning a new item being added to their selection. Joining the company’s flagship Big Gulp cups will be their new size, named the X-Gulp by 7-11 marketing director Bill Hellman.

The 32 ounce Big Gulp remains the most popular size at 7-11 for soda and fountain drinks, with the price staying steadily below a dollar, even during harsh economic times. Seducing more customers every day, The Super Big Gulp, reaching 44 ounces, is also available or those who need an extra kick to their drink. The Double Gulp, which doubles the Big Gulp’s 32 ounce size to a whopping 64 ounces, wholly satisfies the predominant American population.

Recently announced by 7-11, the X-Gulp will be released this fall, marking an even 150 ounces, more than 5 times the size of the Big Gulp, and containing almost 2 gallons of liquid. The cup size is that of a small bucket, and even has a handle for ease in carrying. Already concerned with getting the most ‘bang for their buck,’ some cost-weary customers are concerned that the price will be too high.

“I can assure everyone, the price for the X-Gulp will be in line with our other sizes,” said Hellman. “The standard Big Gulp is .99 cents at most 7-11 stores. The X-Gulp will actually cost only around $3, less than you’d pay at your local movie theatre for a third of what we’re offering.”

Many consumers are already questioning the absurdity of the product size, rightfully concerned about the cup will fitting in standard drink holders that are found in cars. Despite the concern, though, many 7-11 regulars and purported ‘Big Gulp Aficionados’ are looking forward to the next new size.

“If it comes down to it, I’ll just put the damn cup between my legs once I’m on the road,” said Joe Goldsmith, self-proclaimed Big Gulp Super-fan. “All of the condensation on the outside of the cup might leave an embarrassing mark on my pants, but who cares? When you can get that much soda for such a small price, looking like you’ve pissed yourself should be the least of your worries.”

“I personally think the size is ridiculous,” said Margret Pilsner, president of the Obesity Epidemic Foundation. “Americans are already too fat, and this is just adding to the cause. No one needs 150 ounces of soda in a sitting. My God, you don’t even need that much water in a sitting. I can feel the diabetes killing me just imagining it.”

7-11 representatives say the new size will be made available by the end of September at stores nationwide.

 

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