Carrie Underwood Talks About Binge Eating Disorder

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NASHVILLE, Tennessee – 

“I didn’t throw up or anything nasty like that. I’d just start eating and find myself half way through a pizza and I wouldn’t be able to stop,” said Carrie Underwood – one of the world’s biggest country and pop stars. “It started in college at Oklahoma’s Eastern State University. A place me and my friends went had 3 for $15 pizza. I couldn’t handle the urges.”

In addition to a traveling gym, Underwood says she has a traveling therapist that will talk her down when the urge to binge eat hits.

“For a while I stopped binging on my favorites like pizza and Chinese food. I’d drink bottle after bottle of ketchup and consume jars of dill pickles. I became vegan so I would only binge on ‘healthy things’. But my family is a bunch of meat eaters and I realized there would always be temptation around,” said Underwood. “Even though I hate the thought of cows being exploited, I am obsessed with rubbing butter all over body. That’s why I can’t have it in the house.”

Underwood’s full story will appear in next month’s Country Cowgirl Magazine. 

Coca-Cola To Release Clear Cola, ‘Diamond Coke’

Coca-Cola To Release Clear Cola, 'Diamond Coke'

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Coca-Cola officials have announced plans to release a new line of clear colas, dubbed Diamond Coke, after a craze in Europe has caused Pepsi to plan a relaunch of their Crystal Pepsi soda from the 80s.

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“In the 80s, our largest competitor launched a clear cola, and frankly, it tasted like straight shit,” said Coke spokesman Charles DeMar. “We have created a perfect formula to launch Diamond Coke to the market with the exact same taste of regular Coca-Cola, but without all that black, brownish color. I can assure everyone that it tastes amazing.”

“Clearly naming their product Diamond Coke was a middle finger to Pepsi, and their ‘Crystal’ branding back in the day,” said frequent soda drinker Marvin Henry. “Frankly, I’m a Coke man through-and-through, so I will be buying plenty of Diamond as soon as it’s released. Diamonds are a guys best friend, now!”

Coca-Cola says that they plan to release their new Diamond sodas later this year. The soda will be available in original, cherry, and diet varieties.

In similar news, Coke says they are also looking to launch a dark version of their clear Sprite brand.

“We hope that Sprite Black takes off for us – all the great lemon-lime flavor of Sprite, but without all the pesky clearness!” said DeMar.

New Internet Browser Lets You Block News About Kanye West

Kanye West Doesn’t Believe Black People Exist

SILICON VALLEY, California –

A software designer has created the world’s first internet browser that will automatically detect and block any news or reference made to Kanye West, the rapper/producer/jerkoff whose antics always seem to make national headlines.

“Honestly, I was just so sick of reading his ridiculous quotes and seeing his ugly, asshole frown,” said engineer Marcus Day. “There are apps out there you can get to block this or that keyword or image, but they rarely work, because they focus on too many things to block. My browser blocks one thing, and one thing only – Kanye West.”

Day says that he began work on the browser a couple of years ago after Kanye interrupted Taylor Swift at the Grammy awards.

“I couldn’t believe this big dumb asshole comes running up on stage, ruining her moment,” said Day. “I don’t really care about Taylor Swift, but I do care about morons ruining things. If he was anyone else, he’d have been arrested for a stunt like that. Instead, nothing happens except that he gets more attention and some ridicule. It needs to stop.”

Days browser will automatically block any reference to West’s name, as well has his image, from appearing anywhere on the internet as you browse.

“Social media, especially, makes a big deal about him. It’s sickening. So now, you can download WestAway and surf the net happily, with no mention of Kanye West whatsoever,” said Day. “Also, if you use the browser for several years, and West finally is no longer relevant, the browser can easily be updated to block out any mention of the next obnoxious asshole who the media starts fellating.”

Ryan Adams Forgets Who He Is, Performs Song By Bryan Adams

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NASHVILLE, Tennessee –

Ryan Adams, a pop singer who has a few fans, apparently, kicked a man out of his concert in 2002 after the patron yelled out a request for the popular song Summer of ’69, made famous by Canadian Bryan Adams. Ryan, apparently having no sense of humor, asked for the man to be removed because he can’t handle any sort of reference to another musician named Adams.

Now, 13 years later, it seems that Ryan Adams has forgotten all about that incident, as at a concert in Nashville last week, Ryan went on to perform the hit made famous by Bryan, as he did actually perform a cover of the song Summer of ’69.

“I think he forgot who he was, or something,” said fan Mary Lambert. “All 14 fans who were at the show, we just got really confused, and for a minute, I thought I was at a Bryan Adams concert by accident. I really didn’t like what was happening.”

“It was bizarre. I knew I’d bought tickets to Ryan Adams, and I was already kicking myself for that as it was,” said Miranda Jones. “But then Ryan came out and he did that song about kinky foreplay, and I got so worried I was in the wrong place. Bryan…Ryan…it sounds the same, you know?”

According to Ryan Adams’ manager, Rick Jameson, he knew precisely what he was doing when Adams went out on stage.

“He didn’t forget who he was, I don’t think, anyway,” said Johnson. “I’m pretty sure that he just wanted to play a popular song and give something to the people that they might enjoy. God knows no one knows any Ryan Adams songs, anyway.”

Bryan Adams, who has been pushed into obscurity since the 90s, said that he was “flattered” that someone would cover his song.

“Now give me my damn royalty check,” said Bryan Adams.

Lady Gaga Gets Engaged; World Shocked It’s To A Human

Lady Gaga Gets Engaged; World Shocked It's To A Human

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Following the very public drama of Lady Gaga’s divorce from Xxzorzg, the fading star has done something that some are questioning to be a publicity stunt. She is engaged to marry a human, with a date set for next spring.

“This is clearly just a cry for attention,” analyst L. N. Ripley told Empire News. “I’m not even sure if she’s actually a human herself. It’s just another crazy stunt – and considering the fact that you’re interviewing me about it, I’d say it worked.”

Gaga’s previous partner expressed how her actions are taking a toll on him.

“It would be one thing if she was probing my buddy or something, but a human? It really does a number on your self esteem. And it just hurts to see her putting on this charade. At least she willingly talked to Taylor Swift – that was pretty weird.”

Since the engagement, Gaga has been spotted out in public doing “normal human things” like jumping into icy lakes and wearing outfits that aren’t comprised of seemingly completely random objects. Fiancé Taylor Kinney seems to have no qualms with her past love life.

Lady Gaga has only made one comment on the matter, choosing to dismiss and avoid the situation rather than fan the flames.

“My fans used to love me when I acted crazy. That’s just not me anymore. I’m not an alien – I’m just a normal chick making normal music and living a normal life,” she said as she finished zipping up her human disguise bodysuit.

Beyonce Releases Surprise Album of Herself, Jay-Z Singing Lullabies to Blue Ivy

Beyonce Releases Surprise Album of Herself, Jay-Z Singing Lullabies to Blue Ivy

 

MIAMI, Florida – 

Fans of Beyonce were over the moon when, in December 2013, she released her surprise self-titled album. It went on to garner critical acclaim, with singles like “Drunk In Love” and “Flawless” considered among her best.

Early this morning, in collaboration with husband Sean “Jay-Z” Carter, Queen B suddenly dropped her latest release, “Bedtime With Blue.” It’s an experimental album that’s set to turn the music world on its head.

“Each track consists of a lullaby sung by me or Sean to Blue Ivy,” Beyonce explained. “After every song there is a few seconds recorded of Blue’s sounds and words.”

The implications of this is that Blue Ivy is credited on every composition. Already in 2012, the then 2-day-old’s cries were featured on Jay-Z’s hit, Glory, making her the youngest person ever to appear on a Billboard chart. Critics suggest that the popstar couple are attempting with this album to shoot their daughter to early stardom, accusations which Beyonce’s publicity team have swiftly denied.

“I think everyone can hear from the first single that this is far more than a publicity stunt,” said agent Zoe Jensen. “The family’s performance of “Rockabye Baby” [the first single released from the album] is revolutionary. To take a classic like that, sung by the best voice of our generation, with a rap by Jay-Z about himself, splitting the third verse and final chorus, is something that’s never been done. It will bring back childhood memories, giving you a glimpse of the success of the beloved couple in the process.”

The pair, who have for years kept their relationship and their daughter from the public eye, released a joint statement explaining their shift.

“We owe it to our fans to hear what goes on in our house at night,” they said, “if only for the reason that it’s something no one else will ever be able to replicate. We get to experience the joy of our voices combining in serenading the most important being in our lives, but the proletariat has always had to settle for their own toneless rendition of uninteresting tunes. Now, not only do they get to enjoy our talents, but their children get to grow up knowing what they can aspire to, always aware that it’s beyond their reach.”

DNA Results Confirm Michael Jackson Is Biological Father Of Bruno Mars

NEW YORK, New York – DNA Results Confirm Michael Jackson Is Biological Father Of Bruno Mars

Vladimir Kershov, publicist of R&B singer Bruno Mars, has been fired today after he revealed a shocking secret regarding the pop and R&B singer. Kershov leaked private information that revealed that Michael Jackson is Mars’ biological father.

In a statement emailed to news and media outlets across the world, Kershov revealed that he was told by the singer that DNA testing had proven that Jackson, known across the world as the King of Pop, was without a doubt his biological father. After pleading with Mars, born under the name Peter Hernandez, to go public with the revelation, Mars refused to do so. Kershov insisted that it be made known to the public, and that the news would catapult the singer’s fame and boost record sales. Mars remained adamant that the information not be released. According to Kershov, he then took it upon himself and emailed the shocking news to media sources all over the world.

“DNA testing has proven that Michael Jackson is the biological father of Bruno Mars,” Kershov said in the statement. “Against his wishes, I have decided to relay this message for the greater good and betterment of Bruno’s life and extravagant music career.”

In a statement released by Mars’ new publicist, Jacqueline Pryor, it has been announced that Kershov was immediately fired by the singer, and may seek legal action against his former publicist. “The job of a publicist is indeed to better the career of their clients by persuading them to take part in things that cause their popularity to grow, however, the client must trust their publicist. The artist has the final say, no matter what.”

When asked about the validity of Kershov’s statement, Pryor surprisingly made it clear that the information is accurate. “It is true. Doesn’t mean he was right in saying so, but it is true. When it comes to 29-year-old Bruno Mars, Michael Jackson is the father!”

Justin Bieber to Play Little Orphan Annie on Broadway

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Justin Bieber To Play Little Orphan Annie on Broadway

In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine set to hit the stands in October, Justin Bieber announced that he will be starring in the title role in the beloved classic musical, Annie, on Broadway next year.

Said the young music sensation, “I’m pretty stoked to take a break from the hip hop scene and do what I really love—show tunes.”

He also noted the parallels between the rags-to-riches character and his own shot to wealth and stardom. “Annie really inspired my journey,” he said. “And if she were a real person, I really think she’d be a belieber.”

Bieber revealed that the song, It’s a Hard Knock Life was the reason he chose to break into music to begin with, and even claims that from the moment his mom put in the old VHS during a family fun night, he became convinced that it gave birth to the hip-hop movement as we know it.

“If you think about it,” said Bieber, “hip-hop came from rap, an art form inspired by disenfranchised youth and life on the streets. People think being from a white Canadian family I don’t know about that. But I saw the great classic film Don’t be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood. Belieb me. I know.”

Aside from his elation at this career-changing opportunity, which he calls “a dream come true,” he can’t wait to “take a Lamborghini through Times Square at 120.”

At the close of the interview, Bieber stated that proceeds from the production will be donated to a support group for celebrities who have been defamed by the media.

“That’s right homies, the sun will come out tomorrow,” Bieber said, with a fist-bump to the chest. “The Biebs has got all ya’lls back.”

When asked if more gender-bending stage performances could be anticipated in the near future, he replied, “Right now I’m in talks with Alex Timbers to do Anne of Green Gables.”

Tickets go on sale August 1st, 2014.

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