Source of Kanye West’s Talent Discovered

Ad

Kanye West Doesn’t Believe Black People Exist

LOS ANGELES, California –

Rapper and producer Kayne West says he did not realize it until recently, but his music did not get “good” until after a car accident that caused him to suffer a mild traumatic brain injury. In 2002, Kayne’s music was still relatively unpopular, when he was cut off in traffic, causing him to crash his rented Lexus into a fence.

Kayne says he thanks God for that night every waking day of his life. “God works in mysterious ways. My jaw was wired shut, which gave me a chance to shut up for a minute and hear what He was trying to tell me; and what He was trying to tell me is that I’m a God among men, and I should show the world how talented I am through new music, no matter how bad or retarded it may sound.”

The effects of the traumatic brain injury can clearly be heard in his subsequent tracks. Former friend Whoo Kid says, “Yeah he sounded a little slow, but people kept kissing his ass anyway, saying how brave he was. Boy got even cockier after that crash man. He still sounds a little slow, but that’s just part of his sound now.”

Kanye West Announces Run For Presidency In 2020, Oddly Assumes He’ll Still Be Relevant

Kanye West Insists On Nobel Peace Prize, Claims He 'Brings Peace' Everywhere He Goes

LOS ANGELES, California – 

During the MTV VMAs, an award ceremony in its 32nd year that approximately 6 people may have cared to watch, producer, rapper, and Mr. Kardashian himself, Kanye West, announced that he would run for president during the 2020 elections.

“No one would make a better president than I would,” said West, presumably. “Hell, we’ve already had one black president. I could run in 2016, but I forgot those elections were happening, and I’m a little late. So I’ll run in 2020, and I’ll win. Plus, Kim will make one hell of a first lady, that’s for damn sure.”

Learn more about RevenueStripe...

According to political analysts, West has approximately a “0%” chance of ever becoming elected, whether he ran in 2016, 2020, or in 2040.

“Kanye West is already fading into obscurity, thank God,” said political analyst Mike Phisher. “He does these things to make himself stand out for a second, like interrupting Taylor Swift, having unhealthy obsessions with Beyonce, having really ugly babies and naming them odd-ball things. He’s not really a celebrity anymore, and by 2020 he’ll be completely forgotten. He’s kind of just the male version of his wife, Kim Kardashian. He has about as much chance being elected president as an illegal immigrant from Mexico. Besides, what party would want him? There is no ‘pretentious asshole’ party.”

West reportedly seems undeterred.

“I will certainly stand a better chance than most people, as I have tons of money to waste and can run easily spend enough to get noticed, not that there’s any way that I won’t still be in the spotlight,” said West. “Thing is, nobody is better than me at anything. I could be the next president, the next Pope, the shit don’t matter. Whatever I’m doing, I’m doing it better than anyone.”

 

 

New Internet Browser Lets You Block News About Kanye West

Kanye West Doesn’t Believe Black People Exist

SILICON VALLEY, California –

A software designer has created the world’s first internet browser that will automatically detect and block any news or reference made to Kanye West, the rapper/producer/jerkoff whose antics always seem to make national headlines.

“Honestly, I was just so sick of reading his ridiculous quotes and seeing his ugly, asshole frown,” said engineer Marcus Day. “There are apps out there you can get to block this or that keyword or image, but they rarely work, because they focus on too many things to block. My browser blocks one thing, and one thing only – Kanye West.”

Day says that he began work on the browser a couple of years ago after Kanye interrupted Taylor Swift at the Grammy awards.

“I couldn’t believe this big dumb asshole comes running up on stage, ruining her moment,” said Day. “I don’t really care about Taylor Swift, but I do care about morons ruining things. If he was anyone else, he’d have been arrested for a stunt like that. Instead, nothing happens except that he gets more attention and some ridicule. It needs to stop.”

Days browser will automatically block any reference to West’s name, as well has his image, from appearing anywhere on the internet as you browse.

“Social media, especially, makes a big deal about him. It’s sickening. So now, you can download WestAway and surf the net happily, with no mention of Kanye West whatsoever,” said Day. “Also, if you use the browser for several years, and West finally is no longer relevant, the browser can easily be updated to block out any mention of the next obnoxious asshole who the media starts fellating.”

Beyoncé Announces Departure From Music Business

Beyoncé Announces Departure From Music Business

LOS ANGELES, California – 

After losing Best Album at this year’s Grammy’s, Beyoncé has announced she intends to quit music.

As stated to EntertainUs News, “Everyone is gonna think it’s because that honkey Beck stole my Grammy. I couldn’t care less. I’ve been planning to leave music for a while now. I had really wanted to end my career on a high note, and when I won the award I planned to make the announcement, but I guess my album just wasn’t good enough.”

When asked if she appreciated Kanye’s show of support, her answer was surprising. “That whole bunch is two-faced. After the show, Kim [Kardashian] gave me a nasty look and told me to stay away from her man. Like I wanted that fool to jump onstage on my behalf?! I think she’s threatened because my booty is all natural. Enough with the drama, though. I don’t need Kanye defending me at every turn anymore. It’s time to just back away. Between Kanye West, the Illuminati rumors, and all the memes of my face looking like Tina Turner on crack, it’s time to just take a break. A permanent break.”

What’s next for the star? “Jay wants me to be home more, bake apple pies, that kinda thing.  I hate to disappoint my fans, but I’m looking forward to some long overdue rest and relaxation, with my face out of the tabloids. Maybe in a few years I’ll see what Mike Myers is up to, and we can have a go at another Austin Powers movie or something.”

 

Kanye West Arrested After Breaking Into Beck’s House; Attempted To Steal His Grammy

Kanye West Arrested After Breaking Into Beck's House; Attempted To Steal His Grammy

LOS ANGELES, California-

Cops arrested Kanye West late Friday night after he was caught breaking and entering into musician Beck’s California home. Police were called to the scene after a security system went off in the home, and West was found with his leg stuck in a window he has smashed out. An ambulance was called to take West to the hospital.

Both West and Beck have been in the news lately due to a interruption Kanye made while Beck was receiving an award at the Grammys. West made it clear that he felt that Beck didn’t deserve to win the award, and while Beck appeared to laugh it off, Kanye began to ramble off into a frenzy of anger attacking the music industry.

Beck has yet to comment on the break-in at his home, but his manager has said that Beck will not be filing any charges. Kanye did tell police that he was there to retrieve Beck’s Best Album of the Year trophy, which he truly believed that Beyoncé deserved.

“I’m a man I handle my business and when I have a job to do I get it done,” said West. “I have to protect Beyoncé’s pride, and she deserved that award, not Beck. Who the hell is Beck, anyway?”

After he was released by police, West made a statement to the press about his feelings on the current state of the music industry.

“Music is dying and we need to have some real artist to bring it back to life. It’s all about glamor and money these days, and that isn’t what a true artist should be doing. Beyoncé is an artist in her craft and that’s why I respect her, music should be about how we inspire people, not by how the industry makes a fast buck off advertisement. Also, while I have you here, check out my clothing line, my wife Kim’s new book, and my new album that will be dropping soon,” said West

 

Kanye West Insists On Nobel Prize, Claims He ‘Brings Peace’ Everywhere He Goes

LOS ANGELES, California – Kanye West Insists On Nobel Peace Prize, Claims He 'Brings Peace' Everywhere He Goes

Rapper, songwriter, record producer, director, fashion designer, entrepreneur and now – world’s only chance for peace? Singer Kanye West has been on a rampage in the media the last several days, proclaiming that he deserves a Nobel Peace Prize.

“Obama won one, and he drops bombs on people. You give me a peace prize and I promise I won’t drop bombs on anyone, I’ll just drop killer beats. I’m tired of being snubbed for awards. Did Kanye win a CMA? No. Did Kanye win a Emmy? No. Do I deserve those awards? Of course I do, I’m Kanye West,” said West in an interview with Kanye West magazine.

“You drop my CDs in the Middle East, and people be too busy dancing, they won’t have time to fight. Kanye is about love, just ask Kim, if I can keep that giant booty happy, I can keep ISIS happy. It just makes sense. I deserve to win that peace prize thing. Kanye deserves all awards, because I’m a genius, and it’s only the haters and the racists keeping Kanye down. If I do a show in Jerusalem – peace! If I do a show in Afghanistan – peace! If I do a show in China – peace! It just makes sense. People don’t get it. Norwegians don’t get it. Wherever Kanye goes, peace and love follow. Except for Oakland, that always ends up in a shooting, but that ain’t Kanye’s fault.”

 “I’m not sure who Kanye West is, but unfortunately for him, nominations had to be submitted by July,” said Hans Hammarskjold, chairman of the Nobel Prize committee. “We take all our prizes very seriously, and as for his reference to President Obama’s Peace Prize, we have asked for it back but the White House has not returned our calls.”

 

Kanye West’s DNA Used To Clone and Breed Guinea Pigs

LOS ANGELES, California – empire-news-kanye-west-dna-used-to-clone-and-breed-guinea-pigs

The proposed business merger between Kayne West and biotechnology company PPL Therapeutics came to a grinding halt Tuesday, when the first of a brood of cloned guinea pigs were found to have a nearly 90% mortality rate. Of the original 86 live births from a synthetic womb, a full 77 were found to possibly be suicidal.

While initially confused by the trend, science has found an explanation to the phenomenon, although a confusing and disturbing one.

The facility where the cloned animals were to be housed had been equipped with watering systems made of hypoallergenic, germ and virus resistant and highly reflective polished steel cages. According to lab personnel, the guinea pigs were found in groups of three or four a day, drowned in the watering troughs they shared. At first, lab management states, they were confused. Further investigation using low-light cameras revealed that the animals were, in fact, voluntarily placing their heads in the trough and staying underwater, apparently only surviving if they passed out and fell over before brain death set in.

Several attempts to alter the water with mood suppressants had failed, and the facility was beginning to lose hope on solving this puzzle. Finally, in an act of mercy, one employee removed one of the suicidal animals, which is strictly against lab policy. Planning to give it a happy home in it’s final days, the nameless employee placed it in an unused fish tank. Providing it with a plastic bowl of water and some fresh hay daily, the employee was amazed to find that the guinea pig was dry and alert every morning, in contrast to the wet and stunned symptoms they had all displayed daily. Upon alerting facility staff to the find, experimentation started and quickly found the source of the lemming-like behavior.

“We were able to narrow the issue down to one of housing,” stated a lab PR agent. “In the facility’s case, we have water troughs with highly reflective surfaces on the bottom, which allow the rodents to gaze at their own reflection. They were failing to come up for air and had shown an alarming tendency towards self-destruction. Upon covering the trough bottoms with non-reflective surfaces, the remaining specimens lost all interest in death, and enjoyed their nice hay and snuggles.”

“We know now that playing God with Kayne West’s genetic material may have been too bold a step for us. There are powerful drives in his genes, chief amongst which is the desire to stare at one’s reflection to the point of ignoring all pain and disorientation.”

The research company has refused to issue comment on the proposed cross of a lobster with Lindsey Lohan to create a lifeform prone to voluntarily throwing itself into a pot of boiling water.

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.