Tom Hanks Gains 200 Pounds To Play Your Mom In New Movie

tom hanks

LOS ANGELES, California –

Tom Hanks recently signed a deal with Universal to play Your Mom in a major motion picture. The actor, who is known for his extremely method abilities, including growing a full beard and losing over 75 pounds for his role in Cast Away, will reportedly put on over 200 pounds to play Your Mom in the movie.

“The thing is, I could never really be as ugly as Your Mom, but I could definitely get that fat,” said the actor. “This is undoubtedly going to be a tough role to play, but I am sure that once I get the weight on, I will look more like Your Mom, and I will start to feel more like Your Mom, too.”

Universal head Joe Goldsmith says that this is not the first time a movie about Your Mom has been in production, but until recently, they couldn’t find anyone interested in playing the part.

“Your Mom is kind of a drag, really. She’s lived a hard life and everything, but Your Mom is a real bitch, and we needed someone with real acting abilities to play that role,” said Goldsmith. “Your Mom is also a dirty slut, and that takes some careful writing in order to make Your Mom a character that everyone can relate to.”

Aaron Sorkin is writing the screenplay. JJ Abrams is currently in talks to direct.

Betty White Found Not Dead At Her California Home On 94th Birthday

Actress Betty White, 92, Diagnosed With Hookworms

LOS ANGELES, California –

Betty White, the beloved actress who is best known as Rose on the popular 80s sitcom The Golden Girls was found not dead in her home in California on Sunday, where she celebrated her 94th birthday with friends and family.

Although often the butt of death hoaxes and pranks but internet websites, the 94-year-old entertainer was in good spirits, and was alive and well Sunday, where she ate cake and ice cream with friends, and enjoyed a beautiful California day with her family and animals.

“Oh, it’s just a great day to be alive,” said White. “It’s my birthday, I’ve got my health and all this love from my family, friends, and pets. It’s amazing to have lived this long.”

White says that she is still “going strong” and hopes to release more TV shows, and possibly a movie or two this year.

“I’ve never done a good, gritty action movie or anything like that,” said White. “Here’s hoping I can get a role in a good rough-and-tumble flick with someone like Chris Pratt. What a hunk!”

Fans of White say that it’s absolutely incredible that she has lived so long, especially after a rash of celebrity deaths this month.

“I believe she may very well live forever,” said Golden Girls megafan Jerome Myers. “I certainly hope she does!”

Beyoncé Announces Departure From Music Business

Beyoncé Announces Departure From Music Business

LOS ANGELES, California – 

After losing Best Album at this year’s Grammy’s, Beyoncé has announced she intends to quit music.

As stated to EntertainUs News, “Everyone is gonna think it’s because that honkey Beck stole my Grammy. I couldn’t care less. I’ve been planning to leave music for a while now. I had really wanted to end my career on a high note, and when I won the award I planned to make the announcement, but I guess my album just wasn’t good enough.”

When asked if she appreciated Kanye’s show of support, her answer was surprising. “That whole bunch is two-faced. After the show, Kim [Kardashian] gave me a nasty look and told me to stay away from her man. Like I wanted that fool to jump onstage on my behalf?! I think she’s threatened because my booty is all natural. Enough with the drama, though. I don’t need Kanye defending me at every turn anymore. It’s time to just back away. Between Kanye West, the Illuminati rumors, and all the memes of my face looking like Tina Turner on crack, it’s time to just take a break. A permanent break.”

What’s next for the star? “Jay wants me to be home more, bake apple pies, that kinda thing.  I hate to disappoint my fans, but I’m looking forward to some long overdue rest and relaxation, with my face out of the tabloids. Maybe in a few years I’ll see what Mike Myers is up to, and we can have a go at another Austin Powers movie or something.”


Kobe Bryant Announces Retirement From NBA

Kobe Bryant Announces Retirement From NBA

LOS ANGELES, California –

Kobe Bryant has made an official announcement through his publicist, Michelle Conway, stating that he will retire after this basketball season, with plans to enroll in adult acting classes to pursue his dream of becoming a Hollywood star.

Conway said in the statement that Bryant has always loved playing basketball, but said that his lifetime dream is to be an actor. “Kobe wants all of his fans to know that he is very grateful for the overwhelming support he has received over the years, but he wishes to go after his lifetime goal of being an actor,” Conway announced. “He has awards and championship rings up the wazoo, but his dream is to place an Oscar on his mantle. He sincerely hopes that his fans will understand, and continue to support him by seeing any and all of his future films.”

Former teammate Shaquille O’Neal stated that Bryant always talked about being an actor after he finished his career in basketball.

“He was always talking about how he wanted to be an actor when he ‘grew up.’ I wish him the best, he was good at the game, but showbiz is a totally different beast,” O’Neal said. “I don’t expect him to have it as easy as I did, it just came natural to me, like basketball does, but like everything else, he will have to just do what he has always done and fake his way through it, aiming for that gold. He should be all right in flicks.”

Bryant’s former coach Phil Jackson said that he believes in Kobe. “If he just uses the tools he learned as a player and finds peace within himself, keeps his mind open, and forever trusts in Buddah, he shall never fail,” Jackson commented.



Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie Searching For Doctor To Perform Sex Change On 8-Year-Old Daughter

LOS ANGELES, California – Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie Searching For Doctor To Perform Sex Change On 8-Year-Old Daughter222

According to recent statements made by Hollywood power couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, 8-year-old daughter Shiloh has opted to change her name to ‘John’. After intense consideration and conversation with their daughter, the couple have begun looking for a doctor to perform a sex change on the child. They say they want to help rid her of the constant, uncomfortable reminder that she is ‘someone different on the inside than appears on the outside.’

The couple has openly discussed how their daughter has always been more inclined to play with toys aimed at boys, and prefers to wear boys clothing, as well as have a more ‘masculine’ haircut.

“She wants to be a boy,” Jolie said. “We had to cut her hair, she likes to wear boys’ everything, she thinks of herself just like a boy, and enjoys doing the same things as her brothers. She is a very smart child, definitely wise beyond her years and several times she has asked if we could help her ‘fix herself.'”

“It is very difficult for parents to hear their child go through that kind of thing,” said Brad Pitt. “We have discussed it and we are certain that she really does want to go through with it, but we will continue to evaluate the situation while also looking for a highly qualified doctor who is willing to perform the operation. It’s what John wants, and as parents, you give your child all that you can and more.”

Pitt mentioned on the Oprah show a few years ago, when Shiloh was four years old, that she wanted to be named ‘John’. The idea is one she has clung to for years, and her parents now officially support her request. Jolie says it will be extremely difficult to remember to call her John instead of Shiloh.

“Everyday I call her Shiloh at some point and she will get fussy with me, I’m trying so hard,” Jolie said. She also added that the couple is proud that they seem to be teaching their children that it is important to discover who they are. “It makes me feel so good knowing that all of our children know that it is not only okay, but a great thing to explore their individuality, and go on the journey to discover who they really are as unique people.”

When asked whether or not they would wait until Shiloh turns eighteen to have a sex change, Jolie said it would not be the right thing to do. “That would just be cruel. She is a very smart person, she knows better than anybody who she really is. We have every intention on fulfilling her dream in the very near future,” said Jolie.






Justin Bieber to Play Little Orphan Annie on Broadway

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Justin Bieber To Play Little Orphan Annie on Broadway

In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine set to hit the stands in October, Justin Bieber announced that he will be starring in the title role in the beloved classic musical, Annie, on Broadway next year.

Said the young music sensation, “I’m pretty stoked to take a break from the hip hop scene and do what I really love—show tunes.”

He also noted the parallels between the rags-to-riches character and his own shot to wealth and stardom. “Annie really inspired my journey,” he said. “And if she were a real person, I really think she’d be a belieber.”

Bieber revealed that the song, It’s a Hard Knock Life was the reason he chose to break into music to begin with, and even claims that from the moment his mom put in the old VHS during a family fun night, he became convinced that it gave birth to the hip-hop movement as we know it.

“If you think about it,” said Bieber, “hip-hop came from rap, an art form inspired by disenfranchised youth and life on the streets. People think being from a white Canadian family I don’t know about that. But I saw the great classic film Don’t be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood. Belieb me. I know.”

Aside from his elation at this career-changing opportunity, which he calls “a dream come true,” he can’t wait to “take a Lamborghini through Times Square at 120.”

At the close of the interview, Bieber stated that proceeds from the production will be donated to a support group for celebrities who have been defamed by the media.

“That’s right homies, the sun will come out tomorrow,” Bieber said, with a fist-bump to the chest. “The Biebs has got all ya’lls back.”

When asked if more gender-bending stage performances could be anticipated in the near future, he replied, “Right now I’m in talks with Alex Timbers to do Anne of Green Gables.”

Tickets go on sale August 1st, 2014.

Lindsay Lohan Blames Poor Life Decisions On Zsa Zsa Gabor

HOLLYWOOD, California – lindsay lohan blames poor choices in career on zsa zsa gabor

Once again in the news for having managed to last months without a drug arrest, Lindsay Lohan is fighting back against detractors by explaining that her crash-course career descent is the result of “really not paying enough attention to Zsa-Zsa Gabor,” and the steps the screen legend set for herself in Hollywood decades ago.

“I remember, ya know, being so star-struck with her glamour over Zsa Zsa, and how she didn’t pay attention things like social conventions,” said Lohan. “I just thought being young and hot and famous I couldn’t get arrested in Hollywood if I followed in her footsteps, but I kept getting arrested. Sooooo, I figured I had to keep trying to break laws and not get in trouble. I guess I’m not very good at this, huh?”

Lohan, who started in her career as a Disney protegé and made a name for herself acting in teen comedies like Mean Girls, is no stranger to controversy. Despite numerous arrests for driving under the influence, drug possession, driving with a suspended license, skipping bail, hit-and-run, assault, violating probation, failing drug tests, theft, and bio-weapons trafficking, the young actress is constantly trying to clean up her act, which she now attributes to an over-abundance of star-worship for her idol.

“I was so sure this was how to get famous, get people to notice me in Tinseltown. That is what they call Hollywood, right? I mean, anyways, this was a long road to get fame, but I think I’ve made everyone close to me proud of the effort I made to get here. It’s not just about acting and posing and dressing, sometimes fame and fortune really is about throwing a drink at someone’s head or letting other people put cocaine in my pockets.”

Lohan fanatics are at a loss to guess what the next arrestable offense she’ll come up with might be, but Vegas betting houses have been hungry to put odds on any offense they can come up with, regardless of how ridiculous or how many times LiLo has been arrested for it before.

“Remember that photo of her pouting over a plate of cocaine?” asked Vegas casino pit boss Franky Viggittolliotto. “We knew that one was coming. I guess from the size of that ski slope, me and the boys ain’t the only ones who bought new houses off that photo. Eh? Eh?”

The future, however, is uncertain for Lohan. As her legal penalties mount, her punishments will become more and more severe. The young celebrity may have to turn to plans that include a higher positive public profile, charity causes, or even beginning to act again in order to recover her slice of the limelight.

“I guess not getting arrested in Hollywood was a silly goal, but I did my best to live in the shadow Zsa Zsa left behind in this world,” Lohan mused, pausing before adding “Wait, Zsa Zsa is dead already, right? ”

President Obama to Star in Hollywood Feature Film

WASHINGTON, D.C. – president obama to star in hollywood feature film

While his second presidential term is approaching an end, his career in the spotlight is certainly not, as it has been announced by Lionsgate Films that Barack Obama will star in their long-anticipated sequel to Eddie Murphy’s 1988 hit comedy, Coming to America.

The title of the film, slated for a 2018 release, is Coming to Zamunda, in which the character, President Obama as himself, travels to Zamunda, the fictional African home country of Murphy’s Crown Prince Akeem Joffer.

The comedy will take place after first lady Michelle Obama is accidentally killed by a stray bullet on a visit overseas. It will feature a widower Obama traveling to Africa—without the secret service—in the hopes of becoming more independent and finding a new bride who “arouses his mind as well as his loins” among his ancestral people in the infectious disease tents.

“The movie is bound to be just a gas,” wrote Obama’s publicist, “The sheer originality of reversing the hilarious fish-out-of-water story from the first film, combined with the president’s own personal experience as a boy of privilege and education working in the slums of Chicago? It’s a perfect match.”

A statement released by Lionsgate stated that Murphy, alongside Coming to America co-stars Arsenio Hall and James Earl Jones will make cameo appearances, and John Landis will return to direct the sequel.

When asked at a recent press conference if he really believed it would be plausible for a former U.S. president to start a film acting career after leaving office, Obama said, “Yes we CAN.”

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