Lindsay Lohan Sues Doctor After Botched Plastic Surgery


LOS ANGELES, California – 

Representatives for Lindsay Lohan say that the star is planning a lawsuit against her former plastic surgeon, who reportedly botched her most recent “lip stretching” surgery, causing her face to be a wide open hole.

“Ms. Lohan request that her lips and mouth be slightly stretched, and the doctor presumably thought she wanted her face to be a gaping hole, or at the very least, that was the end result,” said Lohan’s publicist. “We are seeking legal action against her former surgeon, Dr. Larry Clarke, immediately.”

According to Dr. Clarke, though, he isn’t worried.

“Lindsay has had work done by me several times, including her eyes, breasts, and buttocks, and she was always happy with the result,” said Dr. Clarke. “Then she comes to me recently and says, ‘Doc, make my lips up here look like my lips down there,’ and points to her crotch. So, I did my best to make sure her face lips were as wide apart as her vaginal lips. I think it was a job well done.”

Lawyers for Lohan are reportedly being obtained, with a suit expected to be filed next week.

Lindsay Lohan’s Esurance Commercial To Spin-Off Into TV Series


Lindsay Lohan's Esurance Commercial To Spin-Off Into TV Series

SAN FRANSISCO, California – 

After only a short time following the Super Bowl ad staring Lindsey Lohan, Esurance released a statement saying their sales are through the roof. The company noted that there have never been more customers claiming to be brought in by a single commercial as much as that of the one the company aired featuring Lohan.

“I don’t really know what to make of it,” said Head of Marketing, Jonathan Freidder. “The commercial was created in about a day. It is not like we had a plan of making an inspirational tale or something. It was a goof on her celebrity personality.”

Apparently, the joke is on Esurance, as hundreds of thousands of individuals have claimed to be so moved by Lohan’s performance that they canceled other insurance plans to switch over. Some even claimed to have taken on hefty penalties just to move over to Esurance.

“Cost me $835 to drop Geico and switch to Esurance,” said auto owner Ricky Tedesco. “Totally worth it. Lohan was awesome in the Super Bowl ad. I mean, honestly, she’s pretty awesome in everything. You ever seen Herbie Fully Loaded? Oh man, so hot.”

“At first I thought it was a joke. But apparently people really fell in love with the character,” said Freidder. “I wish I could point to what made it so successful, but quite frankly I’m miffed. We got Lindsay because she needed community service time served, and our commercial falls under some technical loophole. That was as far as we looked into it. I mean, you get Lohan for pennies on the dollar, and you bang out a commercial in a couple hours.”

Regardless of the intent, it is clear America has once again fallen in love with the former child star. There are already talks of a TV series based on the character she played in the commercial, ‘Sorta Mom,’ as well as an animated series, reportedly being courted by Cartoon Network. Reps have stated that Lohan’s voice “…carries the kind of melodic quality that is so very hard to find.”

Lindsay Lohan Blames Poor Life Decisions On Zsa Zsa Gabor

HOLLYWOOD, California – lindsay lohan blames poor choices in career on zsa zsa gabor

Once again in the news for having managed to last months without a drug arrest, Lindsay Lohan is fighting back against detractors by explaining that her crash-course career descent is the result of “really not paying enough attention to Zsa-Zsa Gabor,” and the steps the screen legend set for herself in Hollywood decades ago.

“I remember, ya know, being so star-struck with her glamour over Zsa Zsa, and how she didn’t pay attention things like social conventions,” said Lohan. “I just thought being young and hot and famous I couldn’t get arrested in Hollywood if I followed in her footsteps, but I kept getting arrested. Sooooo, I figured I had to keep trying to break laws and not get in trouble. I guess I’m not very good at this, huh?”

Lohan, who started in her career as a Disney protegé and made a name for herself acting in teen comedies like Mean Girls, is no stranger to controversy. Despite numerous arrests for driving under the influence, drug possession, driving with a suspended license, skipping bail, hit-and-run, assault, violating probation, failing drug tests, theft, and bio-weapons trafficking, the young actress is constantly trying to clean up her act, which she now attributes to an over-abundance of star-worship for her idol.

“I was so sure this was how to get famous, get people to notice me in Tinseltown. That is what they call Hollywood, right? I mean, anyways, this was a long road to get fame, but I think I’ve made everyone close to me proud of the effort I made to get here. It’s not just about acting and posing and dressing, sometimes fame and fortune really is about throwing a drink at someone’s head or letting other people put cocaine in my pockets.”

Lohan fanatics are at a loss to guess what the next arrestable offense she’ll come up with might be, but Vegas betting houses have been hungry to put odds on any offense they can come up with, regardless of how ridiculous or how many times LiLo has been arrested for it before.

“Remember that photo of her pouting over a plate of cocaine?” asked Vegas casino pit boss Franky Viggittolliotto. “We knew that one was coming. I guess from the size of that ski slope, me and the boys ain’t the only ones who bought new houses off that photo. Eh? Eh?”

The future, however, is uncertain for Lohan. As her legal penalties mount, her punishments will become more and more severe. The young celebrity may have to turn to plans that include a higher positive public profile, charity causes, or even beginning to act again in order to recover her slice of the limelight.

“I guess not getting arrested in Hollywood was a silly goal, but I did my best to live in the shadow Zsa Zsa left behind in this world,” Lohan mused, pausing before adding “Wait, Zsa Zsa is dead already, right? ”

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