Lindsay Lohan’s Esurance Commercial To Spin-Off Into TV Series


Lindsay Lohan's Esurance Commercial To Spin-Off Into TV Series

SAN FRANSISCO, California – 

After only a short time following the Super Bowl ad staring Lindsey Lohan, Esurance released a statement saying their sales are through the roof. The company noted that there have never been more customers claiming to be brought in by a single commercial as much as that of the one the company aired featuring Lohan.

“I don’t really know what to make of it,” said Head of Marketing, Jonathan Freidder. “The commercial was created in about a day. It is not like we had a plan of making an inspirational tale or something. It was a goof on her celebrity personality.”

Apparently, the joke is on Esurance, as hundreds of thousands of individuals have claimed to be so moved by Lohan’s performance that they canceled other insurance plans to switch over. Some even claimed to have taken on hefty penalties just to move over to Esurance.

“Cost me $835 to drop Geico and switch to Esurance,” said auto owner Ricky Tedesco. “Totally worth it. Lohan was awesome in the Super Bowl ad. I mean, honestly, she’s pretty awesome in everything. You ever seen Herbie Fully Loaded? Oh man, so hot.”

“At first I thought it was a joke. But apparently people really fell in love with the character,” said Freidder. “I wish I could point to what made it so successful, but quite frankly I’m miffed. We got Lindsay because she needed community service time served, and our commercial falls under some technical loophole. That was as far as we looked into it. I mean, you get Lohan for pennies on the dollar, and you bang out a commercial in a couple hours.”

Regardless of the intent, it is clear America has once again fallen in love with the former child star. There are already talks of a TV series based on the character she played in the commercial, ‘Sorta Mom,’ as well as an animated series, reportedly being courted by Cartoon Network. Reps have stated that Lohan’s voice “…carries the kind of melodic quality that is so very hard to find.”

Seattle Coach Pete Carroll In ‘Depths of Depression’ Following Super Bowl Failure

Seattle Coach Pete Carroll In 'Depths of Depression' Following Super Bowl Failure

SEATTLE, Washington – 

Pete Carroll’s final play call at the end of Superbowl XLIX confused many in attendance, and viewers watching across the globe. Now, it appears that a sort of serious depression has taken control of the coach.

“I first want to apologize to the fans of Seattle,” said Carroll in his open letter. “But in the end, it doesn’t even really matter anyway. What does a hunk of metal and glass really mean anyway? It’s only a game. Only the biggest game. It’s nothing. We’re all nothing, right? Just specs in the universe. Who cares?”

With seconds remaining on the clock, the Seahawks flubbed an opportunity for a seemingly simple run by Marshan Lynch, instead opting for a quick pass that was intercepted by the Patriots. The play resulted in the Seahawks failing to capture their second title in as many years. Many have since questioned why Carroll made the call he did.

“To everyone who wants to spend all their time talking about the play, I say spend your time doing something better. I mean, who cares? This is football. People are starving all over the world. We should put more time and effort into that and less into football. Way less. It’s just a game. Nobody cares. This is all over. There’s always next year. There’s always next year…”

While many fans have shown disdain for the remarks, some close to Carroll have voiced concern, stating that on top of the loss, the weather in Seattle may be partially to blame for the coach’s current mood.

“I’ve never heard him talk like this before,” said wife Glena Coranson. “He is usually rather chipper, and turning on some music, like the Eagles or Peter Frampton will pick him right up. But the last couple days, all he wants to do is listen to Nirvana and Alice in Chains. I think he might have SAD.”

Psychiatrist and Mental Health Specialist, Dr. Ingrid Houffheim, who has not treated Carroll, said the recent letter from Carroll should not be taken lightly.

“Given the magnitude of his mistake, I’d say it is important to keep an eye on him,” Houffheim stated. “Even before the play happened, you could see Carroll did not have positive body language. His reaction is one of a sad acceptance. While I cannot diagnose a person without speaking with them first, I would not be surprised if Carroll drew up that play as a sort of self sabotage. If he didn’t though, then damn, what a stupid move!”


Carroll's Reaction
Carroll’s Reaction To the interception by the Patriots

Katy Perry Plans ‘Intentional’ Wardrobe Malfunction at Super Bowl Halftime Show

PHOENIX, Arizona – Katy Perry Plans 'Intentional' Wardrobe Malfunction at Super Bowl Halftime Show

During a break from her rehearsal for the upcoming Super Bowl halftime show, the Pepsi-pitching pop princess Katy Perry met with members of the media. Perry answered a variety of questions, involving her set list, possible hair color, and guest musicians. But it was her answers surrounding what she would be – or possibly not be – wearing during the performance that tantalized the masses.

“First of all, I’m Hyped For Halftime,” cited Perry, referencing her teasing Super Bowl promotional commercials. “While I won’t say what or who I’ll be wearing, you can plan on one thing. I’m gonna have my own wardrobe malfunction…but will it be a malfunction? It’ll put Janet Jackson to shame, and I can guarantee it will be more than just my belly button. I sure hope you’ll be watching.”

Twitter users ran rampant with speculation if Perry was planning on showing significant skin for the show, or if it was a veiled jab at Taylor Swift, whom Perry has been at odds with over singer John Mayer. More Twitter users ruminated if Perry would be incorporating some type of burlesque act during one of her songs, possibly during a performance of her first big hit, ‘I Kissed a Girl.’

Most comments made by males on social media were nearly unanimous in approval of the possibility of Perry losing part of her clothing, however, there was a faction of Twitter users condemning Perry for allowing herself to be objectified for entertainment sake. Members of various religious groups were quick to call blasphemy, and claimed Perry was “all that was wrong” with the moral fabric of America.

Religious and parents groups are reportedly asking the FCC to intervene and ban the halftime show as too risqué for the youth of America.

“The last thing our sons and daughters need to see is a possible, half-naked, purple-haired singer corrupting our values. We as a faith need to unite and stop her before millions are subjected,” said Abigail Waters, a representative of the Way of Our Most Holy Church in Alabama. “These children are tuning in to see a football game. A morally sound American tradition filled with camaraderie, anger, tackles, hard-hits, concussions, and falls, failures, cheating, and brain injuries. It should not be about sex or women when there is a sport being played.”

“I guess you’ll have to tune in on Sunday, but let’s say you’ll be seeing more of me than you thought,” giggled the Roar singer. She then winked, blew a kiss, and walked away.

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