Nickelodeon Announces Remakes Of Over 40 TV Shows From 90s

Nickelodeon To Remake All 90s TV Series

MIAMI, Florida –

For many the ages of 27 through 35 can be a tough transition into full-fledged adulthood. But for all the 90s kids in the world, life has finally thrown them a juicy bone. Nickelodeon has announced that starting in the Summer of 2015, a revamping of nearly 40 classic Nickelodeon shows will be reproduced and re-aired.

“It is time to return to the nostalgic era of Television,” said Director of Programming Arthur Nicholson. “The 90s kids are the reason we are where we are today, and we have to remember that.”

While the entire lineup has not been revealed, initial shows fingered for recreation include: Pete & Pete, Rockos Modern Life, Art You Afraid of the Dark?, Doug, Legends of the Hidden Temple, and Ren & Stimpy. Nichols hinted that nearly every show aired throughout the 90s will find its way to reproduction.

“I’m super stoked, man,” said Jake Festein, a 32-year-old clerk at a local Best Buy. He stated he grew up on the many shows on Nickelodeon.

“Those shows were so awesome. I can’t wait to chill out and watch all those shows again, man. I’d come home from school before my parents were off of work, and I’d like watch them and like laugh and stuff. It’s going to be great. Those shows were so awesome, man.”

As soon as the revamping of shows was announced, General Mills noted a influx of demand for their varied cereals, including many that had gone out of circulation.

“We haven’t seen demand like this in over 15 years,” stated General Mills Vice President of Supply, John Church.

“Thank God we brought French Toast Crunch back when we did. We have seen the demand for the product spike by nearly 2,500 percent since Nickelodeon made their announcement. We’re also getting high demand for Sprinkle Spangles, Minibuns, and Berry Berry Kix. It’s like nothing we’ve seen since I was in high school. These numbers are out of this world.”

In likely related news, marijuana dispensaries have noted a shortage in supply after a run on product, which appears to have been in line with Nickelodeon’s announcement.

Said Nicholos of the situation, “We’re just happy to see the fans are responding so positively. We can’t wait to introduce a whole new generation of kids to programming that will know will have a large impact on their lives.”

White Teen Murders Her Black Baby, Gets House Arrest; Judge Says ‘Child Would Have Been Gangbanger Anyway’

White Teen Who Murdered Her Black Baby Gets House Arrest; Judge says Child Would Have Been 'Gangbanger Anyway'


BOULDER, Colorado – 

In a stunning turn of events, a Colorado woman has been given a sentence of 6-months house arrest after she was convicted of murdering her child. The reason for the crime is almost as heinous as the crime itself, as the judge noted the loss of life being “less than substantial,” due to the color of the child as well as the background of the mother/father.

“Due to the father being a less-than-stellar member of society, as well as the mother being one to consort with this type of individual, I find no reason to extend her sentence longer than necessary, at a cost to the tax payers,” said Judge Jeffery Reinhold.

Social advocates have been in an uproar since the judgment, with many citing an obvious line of racism in the Judge’s sentencing.

“The man is a bigot and it’s as simple as that,” said Nancy Hartford of Conscious Social Change, a progressive action collective of citizens in Colorado. “Just because the father is African-American and may have a history of violent crimes, does not somehow wave the child’s rights.”

In response to the outrage, Reinhold has stood firm in his position.

“The bottom line is that incarcerating the mother would be a waste of taxpayer dollars. The father was a criminal, the mother a drug addict. Putting her in prison would make her a better criminal and cost us all more money. What is done cannot be undone. While tragic, it is logical to assume the child would have grown up to be a poor citizen. More than likely he’d listen to gangster rap and dream of being a gangbanger. So the loss of life is really not that big. Babies grow up, and this baby would have decidedly grown up to be a criminal, too.”

Nancy Hartford and the entire CSC collective stated they could not even find the words to respond to the ridiculous and heartless statements of Reinhold. And only questioned if the mother was given a short sentence due to her being white.

“The mother has a chance to be rehabilitated,” said Reinhold. “Six months includes visits from clergymen and from community members that can help her see the error of her ways and turn back to being a proper citizen that does not consort with gang members and drug addicts.”

When pressed for comment Hartford could only respond with “Some people in this world have a sick sense of right and wrong.”

50 Shades Of Grey Tanks At Box Office, Studio Says Women ‘Too Stupid’ To Appreciate Film

50 Shades Of Grey Tanks At Box Office, Studio Says Women 'Too Stupid' To Appreciate Film

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Following a disappointing opening weekend at the box office, studio executives made a rarely-seen move to critique their audience. According to executives at the Universal and Focus studios, fans were simply “too stupid” to understand the film they were making.

“Women generally cannot understand the high-brow sophistication that is involved with dominance and power” said executive David Rosenthal. “We looked at all angles and aspects of how they movie could play out. We tend to know what’s best for women and so we were rather surprised that they showed any level of defiance when it comes to this project.”

While there were women who enjoyed the film, statistics showed they were usually middle-aged fugglies that no man wanted anyways. This would explain the eagerness for re-buy viewers who wanted to watch the film two or more times. However, executives stated they were uninterested in fatties as much as they were uninterested in feminazis that hate the film categorically.

“A woman with no spine is as bad as a woman with no brain,” stated Rosenthal.

“But I’m getting pretty tired of these Women’s Rights dummies at their rallies, natter on about how our movie is ‘disrespectful to women’ and how we’re ‘out of touch with women’. I mean, did you see the book sales? Obviously we know exactly what women want. The problem is that when faced with reality, they become defense. Quite frankly, because they are dumb.”

As one would expect, women’s right advocates are upset at the tone of executives like Rosenthal.

“The reason we do not care for the movie has nothing to do with women’s rights,” said Claire Dempsey of the Women First: Equal Rights for Women Movement. “We dislike the film because it was poorly done, rushed into production, and lacks the essence of the story.”

She continued, “If the movie was well written, well acted, or well directed, we would say so. It was not. The movie was a mess.”

50 Shades of Grey has since already been given a nod by the academy, and is said to be likely to receive at least three nominations for the 2016 Academy Awards for writing, acting, and directing.

Said Rosenthal of the comment and subsequent Academy nod, “See? Women are dumb.”

United States Seeks To Implement 10-Hour Work Week

United States Government Seeks To Implement 10-Hour Work Week


With the presidential nominees slowly starting to become public and we gear up for the 2016 elections, many say that the country is ready to start a new chapter in its history, and that chapter looks to be filled with plenty of vacation time. According to sources, a proposed 10-hour work month is part of the new itinerary of the far-left party that seeks to gain control of the country.

According to documents found by media correspondence, every citizen will be asked to work a mandatory 40-hours a month, and no more. Those who violate the law would be punished for excessive profiteering.

Government spokesman, Peter Jacobs, spoke proudly as he assured the people of the economic plan. “Greece brought the world democracy, literary tragedies, and universities. There are no bad ideas in Greece. Now, the United States seeks to copy their ideas and bring work down to a minimum, and vacationing to the max, as it was meant to be.”

After stocks dropped and sell-offs occurred across the board in New York, President Obama assured the people that things were fine.

“The 40-hour work month simply removes those who do not truly understand economics,” said Obama. “With over 700 hours a month to devote to sleeping, eating, drinking, sleeping more, and playing video games, the United States will lead the world in relaxation. There is no price that can be placed on satisfaction and relaxation.”

Alabama Judge Looks to Reverse Gay Marriage Decision: ‘Alabama Must Keep Identity’

Alabama Judge Ready to Reverse Gay Marriage Decision: 'Alabama Must Keep Identity'


MONTGOMERY, Alabama – 

After Alabama is successfully allowed the legalization of gay marriage within its borders, the debate from both sides about whether or not it was the right decision for the state has reached a boiling point, and one judge has made it clear he cannot allow gay marriage to exist in this state during his tenure.

“It is not in keeping with the spirit and history of Alabama,” said Honorable Judge Oscar Wellington. “Our state has kept a long and proud history of being far behind the times as compared to other states. We cannot suddenly allow ourselves to be within the first half of states to legalize gay marriage.”

Judge Wellington is not interested in stopping gay marriage for the usual moral reasons, fully admitting there is no actual threat or danger to allowing gays to marry. He states quite bluntly, “This is not about morality or legality. This is about our heritage as the citizens of Alabama.”

“What would we be saying to our children if we did not hold out until the bitter end? Blind racism is still strong in our state. Hell, we only recently technically allowed interracial marriage. Incestuous marriage is still plenty legal within our borders. We have a clear line of reasoning, or lack thereof, and we need to stay true to it.”

Judge Wellington is indeed correct, as Alabama does hold some of the most ridiculous laws still on the books. Dominoes cannot be played on Sundays. It is illegal to wear a false mustache – with intent to cause laughter – in a church. It is still an offense to open an umbrella on a street or sidewalk. These and other laws set a precedent that reasonable action in law has no place in the state.

“Approximately one in every seven individuals cannot read in the state of Alabama. Nearly one out of every four students do not graduate high school. One out of every ten teenagers between ages 10-19 become pregnant. Hell, we consider a fetus a person with full rights here! It’s absurd, and that’s the way we love it here in this great state,” said Wellington. “Alabama must retain this history and its heritage of poor reasonability, else, we lose our identity. That is why gays like myself cannot, and will not, be allowed to marry here!”

Lindsay Lohan’s Esurance Commercial To Spin-Off Into TV Series


Lindsay Lohan's Esurance Commercial To Spin-Off Into TV Series

SAN FRANSISCO, California – 

After only a short time following the Super Bowl ad staring Lindsey Lohan, Esurance released a statement saying their sales are through the roof. The company noted that there have never been more customers claiming to be brought in by a single commercial as much as that of the one the company aired featuring Lohan.

“I don’t really know what to make of it,” said Head of Marketing, Jonathan Freidder. “The commercial was created in about a day. It is not like we had a plan of making an inspirational tale or something. It was a goof on her celebrity personality.”

Apparently, the joke is on Esurance, as hundreds of thousands of individuals have claimed to be so moved by Lohan’s performance that they canceled other insurance plans to switch over. Some even claimed to have taken on hefty penalties just to move over to Esurance.

“Cost me $835 to drop Geico and switch to Esurance,” said auto owner Ricky Tedesco. “Totally worth it. Lohan was awesome in the Super Bowl ad. I mean, honestly, she’s pretty awesome in everything. You ever seen Herbie Fully Loaded? Oh man, so hot.”

“At first I thought it was a joke. But apparently people really fell in love with the character,” said Freidder. “I wish I could point to what made it so successful, but quite frankly I’m miffed. We got Lindsay because she needed community service time served, and our commercial falls under some technical loophole. That was as far as we looked into it. I mean, you get Lohan for pennies on the dollar, and you bang out a commercial in a couple hours.”

Regardless of the intent, it is clear America has once again fallen in love with the former child star. There are already talks of a TV series based on the character she played in the commercial, ‘Sorta Mom,’ as well as an animated series, reportedly being courted by Cartoon Network. Reps have stated that Lohan’s voice “…carries the kind of melodic quality that is so very hard to find.”

U.S. Flooding Vodka Into Russia to Slow Military Aggressions

U.S. Flooding Vodka Into Russia to Slow Military Aggressions


MOSCOW, Russia – 

In the global arms war, it is often about who can advance in technology and tactics the fastest. Despite that fact, the United States government has seemingly decided to take a different approach while handling the very difficult situation in Ukraine regarding Russia.

Over the last 90 days, the number of cases of vodka has risen by nearly 100 percent per week across the boarder of the Ukraine and into counties in Southwest Russia. Soldiers have been seen inebriated in public areas and on military posts have increased by 25 percent in the last two months. None of the overflow of vodka has not gone to waste, as the Russian public seems to keep pace with any supply increase.

“We have seen an increase of vodka, yes,” Said General Tarasovich. “We believe the Americans are attempting to challenge our ability to stay a united and driven front. The attempt is futile. We have a long and storied history of drinking. The Americans have no idea what they are dealing with.”

Sources say that the attempt may be to slow the effective advancement of troops into the Ukraine over the coming months. The United States has a lot on its respective plates in Iraq and atrocities in Africa. A hefty push by Russia into the Ukraine is the last thing the military needs.

Said U.S. Admiral Jonathan Hathaway, “The United States Government can neither confirm, nor deny, the use of indigestible spirits as a strategy of war. Nor could we discuss any discussions regarding the possibility of such strategies.”

The Admiral did divulge one piece of supposed information.

“I will say that if the U.S. Government had been using spirits to attempt to inebriate the soldiers of Russia, in order to slow their advances, that it would be a wholly misguided attempt. The one thing you cannot do to a Russia is challenge him to drink, and expect to come out the victor.”

He continued, “If one were to send alcohol to the Russians, it would be better served as a pledge of good faith that they will behave themselves while we deal with other pressing matters that deserve our attention.”

In the weeks since the increase, Ukrainian hospitals have seen the admission levels for drunk driving and alcohol poisoning skyrocket. No reports of Russian soldiers have been noted in any of the facilities thus far. Various Russian military vehicles have been found ditched on the side of the road, however.

Academy To Give Leonardo DiCaprio ‘Retroactive’ Oscars For Past Performances


Academy To Give Leonardo DiCaprio 'Retroactive' Oscars For Past Performances

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

After two decades of stellar work in the acting field, Leonardo DiCaprio may finally be receiving the award he deserves. The Academy has hinted at the actor being given retroactive awards for his many Oscar-worthy performances. The news comes from a verified anonymous source in the Academy that stated the members could no longer deny the many mistakes they’ve made in overlooking the actor.

“Quite frankly, there came a point where we were doing ourselves a disservice by passing him up over and over again,” the source explained. “If you miss one or two solid performances, it can always be chalked up to there being such a wide pool of talent. But with DiCaprio, we found ourselves simply overlooking too many great performances. So it is time we atone for our earlier mistakes.”

With humble beginnings on television, it was likely impossible for anyone to know just how grand DiCaprio’s career would become. Even less probable was the number of times the actor would be overlooked for great work. The earlier half of his film career was filled with heart-throb roles. However, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape was a riveting performances that the young actor failed to cash in on. That nomination came in 1994 for best supporting actor, but was a curious loss to Tommy Lee Jones for his role in The Fugitive, a role identical to every other role that Tommy Lee Jones has ever played.

The Aviator, Blood Diamond, and The Wolf of Wall Street also all failed to earn DiCaprio an Oscar after being nominated. What is worse, some of his very best performances were wholly overlooked by the Academy – DiCaprio’s roles in The Departed, Shutter Island, and Django Unchained were each undeniable forces that were ignored by those holding a vote.

Now the Academy looks to make good on their oversights by handing the actor six Oscars for the various opportunities missed. According to the source, the former winners will be allowed to keep their awards as well.

When reached for comment, DiCaprio could not be understood over the background sounds of many jovial models, money being thrown around, and tropical island waves splashing against a giant yacht.

D’Angelo Fans Upset Performer is Not Shirtless During Live Shows, Threaten Lawsuit

D'Angelo Fans Upset Performer is Not Shirtless During Live Shows, Threaten Lawsuit


In the midst of his world tour to promote his newest album, Black Messiah, performer D’Angelo has faced a surprising backlash from some fans. During his tour, the singer/songwriter has worn mesh tops, social-political messages scrawled across t-shirts, and ruffled tops. But the on thing he has not done is gone shirtless, and this has seemed to upset some of his most loyal fans.

“I didn’t come to a show for music alone,” Says Raykeesha Johnson of Cincinnati, Ohio. “I’ve been waiting a long time for D’Angelo to come back around. I was fixen to throw my unmentionables the moment he took his shirt off. But he went the whole show with a top on!”

D’Angelo made waves with his music video “Untitled (How Does it Feel)” off his album Voodoo in 2000. The video had D’Angelo standing naked with an all-black background, singing his song. The video was an unbridled success, but came with a price. From that point on, D’Angelo felt he was an object of desire, and his music came second.

“My songs started being drown out by women screaming for me to take my clothes off. After a while I started to just stand on stage with no shirt just to get it out of the way. That didn’t help either. They always wanted more.”

The artist then went into hiding for over a decade after Voodoo, working on producing music for others rather than make his own. In late 2014, D’Angelo reemerged and released Black Messiah. The album has been a successful return to form for the artist, but the struggles on stage have returned just as quickly.

“I just want some of that gorgeous man,” said enthused fan, Regina Hamilton. “I became a woman to Voodoo. And now I’m ready to get my groove back with Black Messiah, child. I can’t have him wearing no shirts on stage. I paid good money to see that man’s body. If I don’t get it, I’m going to sue the hell out of his entertainment company, producer, booker – anyone I can until I see that him without his clothes.”

“I was hoping a little weight gain and time would have removed their interest,” said D’Angelo. Who has already had to stop three shows short due to fan interruptions. One show included a shower of boos and jeers until he took his shirt and scarf. “But ticket sales are down because fans are warning I’m not performing shirtless. I guess there’s just no running from it. We’re looking to change some of the dynamics of the show to fit fans’ needs.”

The dynamics D’Angelo mentioned include a two-story picture of him standing naked, as well as a hologram that will strip on stage during his shows. There is also an industrial size vacuum being used to collect undergarments thrown on stage by fans.

NY Mets Ready to Forfeit Season; Spare Fans Heartache Of Multiple Losses

NY Mets Ready to Forfeit Season; Spare Fans Heartache Of Multiple Losses

NEW YORK, New York – 

Baseball owners of the New York Mets have called a meeting for Tuesday, February 17. Rumor has it that the owners will be making the unprecedented move of forfeiting the season. The reasons will be made clear on Tuesday, but many suspect the reasoning behind the move is to avoid New York fans getting their hopes up this year.

“The idea will likely be to spare the fans the disappointment that has been seen year after year in New York,” said New York Post columnist, Joel Sherman. “Every year the fans get their hopes up for a new season filled with new talent. Then at some point they remember that they are fans of the Mets, and everything falls apart. I think the owners would rather work on the team under-board and allow fans to get to their summer plans without worrying about the team or the standings.”

The idea to forfeit the season would not mean the team would not play, however. Rather, the players would simply not be required to show up, nor would the coaches be required to coach in their respective positions if they didn’t feel like it.

“Think of it as volunteer work at that point,” explained Sherman. “This does open up some fun opportunities for fans as well. If players don’t feel like taking the field, fans could volunteer their time and fulfill a dream of playing for the New York Mets. No pressure, just fun!”

If the press conference goes as planned, fans will be able to sign up online to be on call to take positions as needed. The system will work something like jury duty, with 20 fans being called at a time, who will then be widdled down to four who will sit on the bench or play in the field as needed.

Manager Terry Collins had this to say about the idea, “I like it. It takes the pressure off of me for this season. Realistically I had about half the season before they fired me. Now I can at least focus on getting the right talent ready for 2016, while fans get a chance to really enjoy the season. A 120-loss season won’t look so bad when we’ve already forfeited. Hell, 42 wins would look pretty good in that case.”

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