Gay County Clerk Refusing To Give Straight Couples Marriage Licenses


LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – 

Marc Fine, a county clerk in Louisville, Kentucky, has reportedly been adamantly refusing to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, as he says it goes against his personal religious beliefs.

“I will not give any of them straights a marriage license,” said Fine in an interview with the local paper. “I think that what they do is disgusting. A penis going inside of a vagina? Natural? Please. It’s nasty, and it’s an abomination in the eyes of my personal Lord.”

Fine has been repeatedly told by his superiors that he needs to offer marriage licenses to all couples, straight or gay, but so far, Fine has refused.

“Thing of it is, no one has really complained. They just go on to another office, get their little license, and it’s all good,” said Fine. “That poor, ugly, trailer trash looking clerk woman who was arrested and put in jail should take a lesson from me. See, she wasn’t put in jail for her beliefs, she was put in jail for denying a court order, because she’s a dumbass. I haven’t gotten a court order, and until I do, I’ll keep doing my thing. If that order ever comes, well, I’ll just resign. My Lord and my principles come first.”

When asked what specific religion Fine was that allowed homosexual marriage but not straight marriage, he declined to comment.

Supreme Court Rules Men Will Have Sole Decision In Termination of Pregnancy

Supreme Court Rules Men Will Have Sole Decision In Termination of Pregnancy


In a landmark ruling, supreme court Judge Joe Bornstein has stated that in instances of pregnancy, the baby’s father will have the sole decision making abilities on the right to abort.

“Science and studies have shown that men are the better decision makers, especially under times of heavy duress. I don’t know of a time of more duress in a person’s life than an unplanned pregnancy,” said Bornstein. “It is because of these issues that I rule that in instances of unplanned pregnancy, the father will have the sole decision making responsibilities on whether or not to terminate.”

Naturally, many people, especially uppity feminists, were extremely upset at the court’s decision.

“This is an outrage! It’s a crime against women! Help, I’m being raped by the government!” said Nicole Mosier, 26, who is a self-proclaimed feminist. “These judges, these men in robes, they bang their little gavels like they bang their little dicks, and they think they have control over me? They think they have control over any woman? Let’s see them tell me whether or not my rapist has control over whether or not I abort his baby. What will they do then?!” 

According to Bornstein, he is unfazed by the comments made by the emerging feminist party, who are calling for his literal balls on a platter.

“In time, they will learn that this is a man’s world, run by men, controlled by men. Women have their places, yes. Women can do many things a man can do, yes. But the one thing she definitely cannot do is make decisions for her own body, health, or the body and health of a possibly unwanted baby.”


White Teen Murders Her Black Baby, Gets House Arrest; Judge Says ‘Child Would Have Been Gangbanger Anyway’

White Teen Who Murdered Her Black Baby Gets House Arrest; Judge says Child Would Have Been 'Gangbanger Anyway'


BOULDER, Colorado – 

In a stunning turn of events, a Colorado woman has been given a sentence of 6-months house arrest after she was convicted of murdering her child. The reason for the crime is almost as heinous as the crime itself, as the judge noted the loss of life being “less than substantial,” due to the color of the child as well as the background of the mother/father.

“Due to the father being a less-than-stellar member of society, as well as the mother being one to consort with this type of individual, I find no reason to extend her sentence longer than necessary, at a cost to the tax payers,” said Judge Jeffery Reinhold.

Social advocates have been in an uproar since the judgment, with many citing an obvious line of racism in the Judge’s sentencing.

“The man is a bigot and it’s as simple as that,” said Nancy Hartford of Conscious Social Change, a progressive action collective of citizens in Colorado. “Just because the father is African-American and may have a history of violent crimes, does not somehow wave the child’s rights.”

In response to the outrage, Reinhold has stood firm in his position.

“The bottom line is that incarcerating the mother would be a waste of taxpayer dollars. The father was a criminal, the mother a drug addict. Putting her in prison would make her a better criminal and cost us all more money. What is done cannot be undone. While tragic, it is logical to assume the child would have grown up to be a poor citizen. More than likely he’d listen to gangster rap and dream of being a gangbanger. So the loss of life is really not that big. Babies grow up, and this baby would have decidedly grown up to be a criminal, too.”

Nancy Hartford and the entire CSC collective stated they could not even find the words to respond to the ridiculous and heartless statements of Reinhold. And only questioned if the mother was given a short sentence due to her being white.

“The mother has a chance to be rehabilitated,” said Reinhold. “Six months includes visits from clergymen and from community members that can help her see the error of her ways and turn back to being a proper citizen that does not consort with gang members and drug addicts.”

When pressed for comment Hartford could only respond with “Some people in this world have a sick sense of right and wrong.”

Alabama Judge Looks to Reverse Gay Marriage Decision: ‘Alabama Must Keep Identity’

Alabama Judge Ready to Reverse Gay Marriage Decision: 'Alabama Must Keep Identity'


MONTGOMERY, Alabama – 

After Alabama is successfully allowed the legalization of gay marriage within its borders, the debate from both sides about whether or not it was the right decision for the state has reached a boiling point, and one judge has made it clear he cannot allow gay marriage to exist in this state during his tenure.

“It is not in keeping with the spirit and history of Alabama,” said Honorable Judge Oscar Wellington. “Our state has kept a long and proud history of being far behind the times as compared to other states. We cannot suddenly allow ourselves to be within the first half of states to legalize gay marriage.”

Judge Wellington is not interested in stopping gay marriage for the usual moral reasons, fully admitting there is no actual threat or danger to allowing gays to marry. He states quite bluntly, “This is not about morality or legality. This is about our heritage as the citizens of Alabama.”

“What would we be saying to our children if we did not hold out until the bitter end? Blind racism is still strong in our state. Hell, we only recently technically allowed interracial marriage. Incestuous marriage is still plenty legal within our borders. We have a clear line of reasoning, or lack thereof, and we need to stay true to it.”

Judge Wellington is indeed correct, as Alabama does hold some of the most ridiculous laws still on the books. Dominoes cannot be played on Sundays. It is illegal to wear a false mustache – with intent to cause laughter – in a church. It is still an offense to open an umbrella on a street or sidewalk. These and other laws set a precedent that reasonable action in law has no place in the state.

“Approximately one in every seven individuals cannot read in the state of Alabama. Nearly one out of every four students do not graduate high school. One out of every ten teenagers between ages 10-19 become pregnant. Hell, we consider a fetus a person with full rights here! It’s absurd, and that’s the way we love it here in this great state,” said Wellington. “Alabama must retain this history and its heritage of poor reasonability, else, we lose our identity. That is why gays like myself cannot, and will not, be allowed to marry here!”

Man Sues Dating Website, Says ‘My Perfect Matches Are Always Black’

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina – Man Sues Dating Website, Says 'My Perfect Matches Are Always Black'

A Charlotte man has filed a lawsuit against a popular online dating site, citing his ‘extreme unhappiness’ with the results the website had been giving him. Gil Green, age 33, claims that all of the ‘perfect matches’ recommended to him through the site were African-American.

“I want to find myself a nice white woman and the site couldn’t get that straight,” said Green. “It isn’t fair to me at all that they would assume that I’m into black girls. I put in all my own information, and what I was looking for in a girl, and every time I checked who it matched me with, it was some dark-skinned broad.”

Green is claiming that the website was ‘deliberately sabotaging’ his love life, and that is why he was filing suit.

“I’m just a simple man, and I’m trying to find a wife, or at least a couple good dates, maybe a couple of blowjays, you know? But no mater how many times computer tells me my perfect match is black, I can’t just settle on that,” said Green. “It’s not a racist thing, I’ve met black people before. Some of them are even pretty cool. I just don’t find black women attractive. I’m sure plenty of black women don’t find me attractive. I shouldn’t have to change my standards to find a date on the internet.”

Green’s lawyer, Joe Goldsmith, Esq., who filed the suit in a North Carolina Superior Court, said he thinks that Green has ‘no chance in hell’ of ever winning the case.

“I only took this case for the money, my practice is struggling, and whatever pays the bills, you know?” said Goldsmith. “Mr. Green seems to be really confused about the internet and online dating in general, because the website he is filing suit against is ‘’. Obviously his matches are going to be African-American. Frankly, Mr. Green is an idiot, and quite possibly a bigot.”

Representatives of have yet to comment on the lawsuit, except to say that they “assume the outcome of the case will be a no-brainer.”



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