Man Sues For Right To Be Sexually Harassed At Work


LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – 

Carl Smith, an office worker in Louisville, says that he is suing his employer, Carlton Business Solutions, over his right to be sexually harassed in the workplace.

“When I began working for Carlton, I did not sign an anti-sexual harassment policy disclosure, because I have no problems being sexually harassed,” said Smith. “Three years has gone by, and now HR is saying that I have to sign the paper if I want to continue working for the company. That isn’t fair in the slightest.”

Smith says that he wants to be able to be sexually harassed at work if another co-worker feels right in sexually harassing him.

“I’m not a pervert. I am not going to be hounding the ladies or making crude comments,” said Smith. “But that doesn’t mean that they might not to want to say something to me. Maybe they want to make a lewd joke that references the size of my penis. Or maybe they want to give me a playful ass-slap while I’m making coffee in the break room. Those are things I’m okay with, and as such, I refuse to sign any policies on the matter.”

Smith says that he has retained a lawyer, and plans on taking his case “all the way to the supreme court,” if necessary.

“I don’t have anyone to go home to a night, and this job is all I have,” said Smith. “I want to make it the kind of environment that I feel comfortable working in, that’s all.”

Supreme Court Rules Men Will Have Sole Decision In Termination of Pregnancy

Supreme Court Rules Men Will Have Sole Decision In Termination of Pregnancy


In a landmark ruling, supreme court Judge Joe Bornstein has stated that in instances of pregnancy, the baby’s father will have the sole decision making abilities on the right to abort.

“Science and studies have shown that men are the better decision makers, especially under times of heavy duress. I don’t know of a time of more duress in a person’s life than an unplanned pregnancy,” said Bornstein. “It is because of these issues that I rule that in instances of unplanned pregnancy, the father will have the sole decision making responsibilities on whether or not to terminate.”

Naturally, many people, especially uppity feminists, were extremely upset at the court’s decision.

“This is an outrage! It’s a crime against women! Help, I’m being raped by the government!” said Nicole Mosier, 26, who is a self-proclaimed feminist. “These judges, these men in robes, they bang their little gavels like they bang their little dicks, and they think they have control over me? They think they have control over any woman? Let’s see them tell me whether or not my rapist has control over whether or not I abort his baby. What will they do then?!” 

According to Bornstein, he is unfazed by the comments made by the emerging feminist party, who are calling for his literal balls on a platter.

“In time, they will learn that this is a man’s world, run by men, controlled by men. Women have their places, yes. Women can do many things a man can do, yes. But the one thing she definitely cannot do is make decisions for her own body, health, or the body and health of a possibly unwanted baby.”


Supreme Court Finds ‘Happy Endings’ To Be Legitimate Massage Procedure

Supreme Court Finds ‘Happy Endings’ To Be Legitimate Massage Procedure



The Supreme Court case of Ming’s House of Pleasure v. The state of Maine has ruled in favor of Ming’s in a shocking 7-3 vote. The Supreme Court of The United States has ruled that “happy endings” can be considered a legitimate massage procedure, and in no way should be considered prostitution. 

”This case has been a court favorite for a while now,” said Court reporter Luis DeJesus. “The Justices asked to hear testimony from all 15 of Ming’s massage therapists. The early goings of the case did not look good for Ming, but the turning point of the case came when Ming offered the justices each a free massage.”

“The day of the free massage was the only time I ever saw Ruth smile,” said Ruth Ginsburg aide Sarah Nicole. ”I knew the men would enjoy it, but who knew the old girl was a freak?”

“The happy ending was a real pleasure,” said Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. “I had my reservations, but once I experienced it, I had a change of heart. I can see how it’s the perfect ending to a relaxing massage. To think this was considered prostitution is outrageous. Now that I’ve experienced it, I can’t think of anything more natural than a good ol’ fashioned to finish off a good deep tissue massage.”

“Well, it’s about time those old bastards finally got something right,” said frequent Ming’s patron Carmine Classi. ”Now my wife can’t give me hell when I go to Chinatown for a little release. Shit, now that it’s legal and I don’t have to worry about the cops busting in, I’ll probably go 3 or 4 times a week instead of my usual 2.”

Hobby Lobby Adds ‘Abstinence Policy’ To Employee Handbooks

OKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma – Hobby Lobby Adds 'Abstinence Policy' To Employee Handbooks

Hobby Lobby is back in the spotlight today, after the company announced that they are adding new rule to their ‘Employee Code of Conduct,’ which will now include a passage that says the company expects all of their non-married workers to practice abstinence. The company is enacting the policy only a few short months after a media firestorm over their refusal to cover Plan B birth-control in their medical packages – a decision that was upheld by the Supreme Court in a landmark decision.

“Hobby Lobby is a private company, and we were founded on Christian values. Our employees have a choice, though –  They can embrace our values, or they are free to seek employment with a more secular company,” said Dick Red, Hobby Lobby spokesman. “In light of the backlash we took for our refusal to cover methods of ‘birth-control’ that we felt were more in line with ‘termination of pregnancy’ techniques, we have elected to take our Supreme Court victory a step further. Effective immediately, sexual activities outside of marriage by our employees will be grounds for termination. If a non-married employee becomes pregnant, she will be terminated so she can find her place with a new employer. If we catch any of our non-married employees having sex with each other on top of the paint brushes or balls of yarn, well then they’ll be terminated as well. Promiscuity is not a value that we here at Hobby Lobby are prepared to tolerate any longer.”

Support for the policy has poured in from Christian Rights groups and religious individuals alike. Televangelist Joey Ostein touched on the controversial policy in a recent sermon.

“God has spoken, and this company [Hobby Lobby] has heeded the call. We have become a nation of deviants and harlots. We have spiraled into a nation of homosexuals and sinners. The Bible is clear on these issues. Sex is to be between a man and a woman inside the sacred bond of marriage. Brothers and sisters, we must strive to save these sinners, as Lot strove to save the Sodomites; but like Lot, if our words shall fall on deaf ears, we must turn our backs and let God’s will be done.”

Several employees have said they plan to file suit against Hobby Lobby, claiming religious discrimination, but Red is not worried.

“God saw us through the tribulations of our previous struggle, and He will see us through this one as well. These feminists, harlots, and menaces, they say that they only want to keep the government out of their vaginas. Well I say they can start by keeping everyone else out of their vaginas as well,” said Red. “At our stores, we are going to restore the Christian values that this country was founded on. If we lose a few customers in the process, then so be it. I would rather go out of business and see my Christian customers in Heaven than pander to the ideals of Satan and wind up peddling craft supplies in Hell.”


Insane Clown Posse, Juggalos To Appeal Supreme Court Decision That Categorizes Them As Gang Members

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Insane Clown Posse, Juggalos To Appeal Supreme Court Decision Naming Them Gang Members

In a recent Supreme Court verdict, a judge upheld the decision made by the US Government that had declared “Juggalos,” super-fans of the musical group Insane Clown Posse, to be classified as gang members.  Thousands of fans, who say that they are more of a “family” than a gang, are disgusted by this verdict.

The Insane Clown Posse, or ICP, have been making music together since 1985.  With two platinum and five gold albums, they have a fan base in the hundreds of thousands.

“We always knew we would be huge woop woop,” ICP frontman Shaggy 2 Dope says.  “It was just a matter of time before we made it big.  This whole gang s*** is really getting us down. Just because we talk about this stuff all the time, it’s only about family.  All the Juggalos and Juggalettes are my family, whether I know them or not.  They would die for us, and kill for us, and we would do the same for them.”

The recent court ruling decided that anyone associated with the Juggalos are members of a gang.

“These Juggalos go around, talking about killing people and rape and they think that’s okay,” Says FCC Chairman Tom Wheeler. ” They do this all while being painted up like clowns and in large groups.  Someone walking by overhears it and gets uncomfortable, it is a no brainer to me that this is gang-like behavior.  Strength in numbers and what not.”

The Juggalo community is quite split on the decision, some have always looked at it as a gang, while others just look at it as a community.

“Woop woop, I don’t get why all dis s*** is being stirred over us mother f***ers.  We just doing our thang WOOP WOOP.” Says Juggalo Curtis Brown, who goes by his ‘Juggalo Name’ Mizta Nut Busta.  “I ain’t never f***in kill n***as, I just f***ing sing da shit dey sing woop woop.  We’s a family and that’s it, none of us has ever killed n***as or f***ed s*** up fo’ no reason, we ain’t like that.”

Apparently, not all Juggalos are on the same page about what being a fan of ICP, and being a Juggalo itself, even means.

“Man we always been a gang.  We ain’t never wanted nothing but to kill s*** and f*** s*** up.  I just smoke mah weed, rock my faygo, and spray b****es with my sperm, woop woop,” Said ‘Masta-Bata 187,’ a Juggalo from Detroit.

In a stunning reaction to the ruling, hundreds of Juggalos and Juggaletes flooded the streets with signs and face paint, protesting the court ruling.

“I have never seen such a seemingly motley crew organize so quickly,”  Says famous Anthropologist Napoleon Chagnon.  “They seem like a variable hodgepodge of Mongoloids that don’t seem capable of doing anything but smoking pot and listening to bad music.  I am not sure that this protest will help their cause, because they keep throwing out gang signs and their faces are all painted.  It is pretty much just an excuse to get drunk and party in public with signs.”

As of the writing of this article, it is unclear whether representatives for ICP actually filed the appeal, or if they were too busy getting high and just thought they filed them.

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