LOS ANGELES, California –
Hollywood has always been one of the trendiest places in the world. A place where celebrities of all stature can grab onto any little thing that they enjoy and make it into a worldwide phenomenon. A new trend among Hollywood A-listers is spreading quickly throughout much of the West Coast: snake massages.
“Oh my God, it’s the greatest feeling in the world,” said Cheryl Jones, who claims to be 25. “I saw that Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Lawrence both love getting snake massages, so I had to try it, too. It’s amazing!”
Snake massage, unlike regular massage, requires no one’s hands to be all over you, making any sort of inappropriate touching or uncomfortable settings a thing of the past.
“I one time was finger-banged by a giant lesbian masseuse,” said Mary Lambert, 36. “I only went back another 4 or 5 times after that. It was just too awkward. Snake massage is so much more relaxing. They just slither all over your body and they shed their skin over you. It’s great for your pores, too. I love it. It’s also way less awkward when they slither between your legs than when Joanne The Bulldyke does it.”
Celebrities including Jolie, Lawrence, Chris Pratt, and Andy Dick are said to be “huge fans” of snake massage.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
The Supreme Court case of Ming’s House of Pleasure v. The state of Maine has ruled in favor of Ming’s in a shocking 7-3 vote. The Supreme Court of The United States has ruled that “happy endings” can be considered a legitimate massage procedure, and in no way should be considered prostitution.
”This case has been a court favorite for a while now,” said Court reporter Luis DeJesus. “The Justices asked to hear testimony from all 15 of Ming’s massage therapists. The early goings of the case did not look good for Ming, but the turning point of the case came when Ming offered the justices each a free massage.”
“The day of the free massage was the only time I ever saw Ruth smile,” said Ruth Ginsburg aide Sarah Nicole. ”I knew the men would enjoy it, but who knew the old girl was a freak?”
“The happy ending was a real pleasure,” said Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. “I had my reservations, but once I experienced it, I had a change of heart. I can see how it’s the perfect ending to a relaxing massage. To think this was considered prostitution is outrageous. Now that I’ve experienced it, I can’t think of anything more natural than a good ol’ fashioned to finish off a good deep tissue massage.”
“Well, it’s about time those old bastards finally got something right,” said frequent Ming’s patron Carmine Classi. ”Now my wife can’t give me hell when I go to Chinatown for a little release. Shit, now that it’s legal and I don’t have to worry about the cops busting in, I’ll probably go 3 or 4 times a week instead of my usual 2.”