LOS ANGELES, California –
Hollywood has always been one of the trendiest places in the world. A place where celebrities of all stature can grab onto any little thing that they enjoy and make it into a worldwide phenomenon. A new trend among Hollywood A-listers is spreading quickly throughout much of the West Coast: snake massages.
“Oh my God, it’s the greatest feeling in the world,” said Cheryl Jones, who claims to be 25. “I saw that Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Lawrence both love getting snake massages, so I had to try it, too. It’s amazing!”
Snake massage, unlike regular massage, requires no one’s hands to be all over you, making any sort of inappropriate touching or uncomfortable settings a thing of the past.
“I one time was finger-banged by a giant lesbian masseuse,” said Mary Lambert, 36. “I only went back another 4 or 5 times after that. It was just too awkward. Snake massage is so much more relaxing. They just slither all over your body and they shed their skin over you. It’s great for your pores, too. I love it. It’s also way less awkward when they slither between your legs than when Joanne The Bulldyke does it.”
Celebrities including Jolie, Lawrence, Chris Pratt, and Andy Dick are said to be “huge fans” of snake massage.