ORLANDO, Florida –
A family from Alabama plans to sue Disney World after they said an escaped snake at Disney’s Wild Animal Kingdom dropped from a tree and bit their young child. The family’s attorney, Matt Morgan, said Thursday that the boy’s grandmother saw the snake bite him, went into cardiac arrest from fright, and died soon after. They boy was treated with a band-aid and continued to enjoy the park after the incident.
While the family mourns her death, they say they will remember Grandma’s sacrifice as they spend the money they will receive from this lawsuit. “She would have said, ‘I’m old. I lived my life. Let God take me if it means my family can go on more memorable vacations.’ Next time we won’t be going anywhere with snakes though,” said one of the family members. The names are not being released at this time.
Disney says the snake was wild and not part of their attraction. Attorney Jeff Kendell plans to represent the snake, who did not intend to harm the boy. “The snake was nonvenomous, so it did not plan to hurt anyone. It was merely speaking out about the destruction of its wild habitat for a tourist destination in the only way it knew how.”
LOS ANGELES, California –
Hollywood has always been one of the trendiest places in the world. A place where celebrities of all stature can grab onto any little thing that they enjoy and make it into a worldwide phenomenon. A new trend among Hollywood A-listers is spreading quickly throughout much of the West Coast: snake massages.
“Oh my God, it’s the greatest feeling in the world,” said Cheryl Jones, who claims to be 25. “I saw that Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Lawrence both love getting snake massages, so I had to try it, too. It’s amazing!”
Snake massage, unlike regular massage, requires no one’s hands to be all over you, making any sort of inappropriate touching or uncomfortable settings a thing of the past.
“I one time was finger-banged by a giant lesbian masseuse,” said Mary Lambert, 36. “I only went back another 4 or 5 times after that. It was just too awkward. Snake massage is so much more relaxing. They just slither all over your body and they shed their skin over you. It’s great for your pores, too. I love it. It’s also way less awkward when they slither between your legs than when Joanne The Bulldyke does it.”
Celebrities including Jolie, Lawrence, Chris Pratt, and Andy Dick are said to be “huge fans” of snake massage.