Man Sues For Right To Be Sexually Harassed At Work

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LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – 

Carl Smith, an office worker in Louisville, says that he is suing his employer, Carlton Business Solutions, over his right to be sexually harassed in the workplace.

“When I began working for Carlton, I did not sign an anti-sexual harassment policy disclosure, because I have no problems being sexually harassed,” said Smith. “Three years has gone by, and now HR is saying that I have to sign the paper if I want to continue working for the company. That isn’t fair in the slightest.”

Smith says that he wants to be able to be sexually harassed at work if another co-worker feels right in sexually harassing him.

“I’m not a pervert. I am not going to be hounding the ladies or making crude comments,” said Smith. “But that doesn’t mean that they might not to want to say something to me. Maybe they want to make a lewd joke that references the size of my penis. Or maybe they want to give me a playful ass-slap while I’m making coffee in the break room. Those are things I’m okay with, and as such, I refuse to sign any policies on the matter.”

Smith says that he has retained a lawyer, and plans on taking his case “all the way to the supreme court,” if necessary.

“I don’t have anyone to go home to a night, and this job is all I have,” said Smith. “I want to make it the kind of environment that I feel comfortable working in, that’s all.”

Office ‘Pencil Pusher’ Fired After Stabbing Co-Worker With Pencil

DAYTON, Ohio – Office 'Pencil-Pusher' Fired After Stabbing Co-Worker With Pencil

Rocco Faber, a 30-year employee of Drake Business Systems, redefined the conventional image of the mild-mannered office drone, after injuring co-worker Flip McKenzie during a spontaneous attack last week.

“He created tension for me at my expense,” said Faber.  “So I stabbed him in the neck.” Faber, speaking from a suburban Dayton anger management facility continued, “I could hear him on the other side of my cube, drumming his fingers on the table, and he chewed with his mouth open, and he made too many personal calls and I could hear them.  So I stabbed him in the neck.”

Increasingly common occurrences of workplace violence have dominated headlines, reflecting one of the bleaker elements of America’s present-day employment landscape.  The usual scenario includes an employee’s termination, issues of underlying anger, and the use of a weapon – usually and most violently, a firearm.

“I’m against guns and won’t have any in my house or anywhere near me,” said Faber, “but I got so angry that day and I did use my pencil as a weapon.  It was a bad mistake and I wish I could erase it, but I can’t.  It’s a permanent blot on my record.”

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Office manager Helen Brown was stunned upon hearing of the unexpected behavior from one of the company’s most consistent employees.  “He’s been here longer than I have,” commented Brown.  “I remember him when I first started.  I sat across from him and he was quiet.  I moved up the ladder pretty quickly, and I didn’t get to know him too well.  Some of the old-timers over in HR were pretty upset.”

In exchange for prison time, a deal was negotiated between prosecutors and Faber’s victim.  “At the end of the day I wasn’t really hurt that bad.” said McKenzie.  “It was more of a scuffle, so I didn’t press charges, you know?  I mean the pencil was pretty dull and it just left a little mark right here on the side of my neck.  He really didn’t have a strong grip.”

Faber will participate in group therapy sessions, where proper coping mechanisms are stressed.  Anger management techniques are demonstrated by role-playing, with constructive criticism making up a large part of treatment.

“They were going to offer me some job training,” Faber said, “but I kept telling them I already have a career, so I asked them if I could continue doing it.  They gave me a job here as the accountant for the group home, and so far, so good.  I manage all the expenses and budgets, so it keeps me busy and not thinking about stabbing anyone in the neck.  I’m just lucky.  One of the guys here makes a lot of jokes, and he said that they gave me another stab at it.  That was a pretty good one and everybody in the room laughed.  He’s a pretty good guy,” said Faber, “but sometimes he tells too many jokes when we’re trying get work done.  We all have a good time though.  My favorite part is when we get to do the role playing, when we get to act out.”

Fortune 500 Company Executive Speaks Out Against Sexism in the Workplace

LOS ANGELES, California – fortune 500 exectuive speaks out against sexism in workplace

A Senior Vice-President at a prominent Fortune 500 Los Angeles firm wrote in an email to the L.A. Times that he is “fed up” with sexism in the workplace. The executive, who asked that his company not be named, and signed the email simply as “Howard,” has some extreme examples for what he feels would be a positive step to eliminating sexism in the workplace.

“It’s gotten downright out of control,” Howard writes in his letter to the Times. “Whenever I express myself in an aggressive way, I’m perceived as an ass—-. But when a woman is aggressive, people say she’s just ‘assertive.’”

“What’s worse,” he continues, “is the ‘glass ceiling’ debacle. As a direct result of Janine over in Corporate Finance beating me out of my promotion to CEO, I can’t afford to install the skylight I’ve always wanted on the fourth floor of my Summer estate. It’s so depressing I can’t bring myself to vacation there. Just this once, I wanted a damn glass ceiling.”

Apparently it isn’t just Howard suffering a financial strain as a result of corporate sexism—it’s also his company. He claims that, “It’s one thing for women to take our jobs, but equal pay too? The amount we are paying our female staff has led to budget cuts resulting in my flying business class instead of first class on business trips, and I’m forced to stay in dismal 4-star accommodations that don’t even have a minibar.”

Howard also points out the undue consideration given his female colleagues when it comes to the use of office space, citing as an example the recent conversion of the office billiards room to a breast-feeding room: “Why can’t we just buy a porta-potty for that? Isn’t how they do it at football games?”

He continues, arguing that sexism is forcing men to settle for traditionally “male” roles such as a blacksmith or a shoeshine boy.

The contents of Howard’s email, however, didn’t contain mere complaints—He also proposed a solution to what he deems this “silent epidemic.”

“Simply put,” he states, “all of these issues can be stopped in their tracks and prevented by placing a ban on ‘Bring Your Daughter to Work Day’ in corporate workplaces. If they don’t know about work, they can’t eventually get into the workplace. Easy-peasy.”

Howard says that he plans to start a Facebook page dedicated to the movement he refers to as MESI (Men for the End of Sexual Injustice).

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