John Legend’s Career, Future In Doubt After Being Stabbed in Neck

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John Legend's Career, Future In Doubt After Being Stabbed in Neck

 

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

R&B star John Legend was found this morning naked in Central Park, bleeding profusely from the neck in an apparent stabbing. Preliminary investigations have all but confirmed wife Chrissy Teigen’s version of events – that the star was accidentally stabbed in the throat by his wife’s abnormally sharp-edged shoulder. Paramedics on the scene were able to stem the blood flow, saving the singer’s life, but casting doubt on whether he’ll be able to sing again.

The celebrity couple were, according to Tegin, “attempting to live out a lifelong fantasy” of Legend’s.

“With my mama living a sort of nomadic life, and not having a house or bedroom to ourselves that we could keep on rocking until she comes knocking, the next best option was to…kiss…and stuff…underneath the stars in the park. It’s just a shame that I have such a hazardously perfect imperfection.”

Doctors treating Legend were upbeat about his diagnosis.

“Right now, we’re pretty positive,” said trauma surgeon Keith Van Der Bolt. “John’s going to live a full life. He’ll be back to making love in the relatively near future. We’d recommend some padding, though – Chrissy’s love apparently hurts.”

Despite the good news, the doctor in charge of his rehabilitation had a grim outlook on the singer’s career. “While he may not entirely lose his singing voice, his vocal range will never again match that of Beyonce,” said Dr Herb Whelan. “We’re hoping that he’ll at least be able to reach those pedestrian notes of Rihanna. But what’s more likely is that he’ll have to settle for Kesha’s half octave.”

At press time, Legend had just released his first statement since the accident, saying, “Garble garble, ugh, gnt, nut, flbble shmut.”

Inmate In Critical Condition After Being Stabbed By Charles Manson

CORCORAN, California – empire-news-charles-manson-granted-parole-prison-free

A man’s life hangs in the balance after he reportedly tried to steal a box of ramen noodles from the infamous Charles Manson at the California State Prison in Corcoran, California.

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Warden Connie Gipson says the incident happened this morning and that Raymond Garcia, 39, from Los Altos, California, is in critical condition. “It seems that Garcia attempted to steal a box of Manson’s ramen noodles, which he had stashed under his bunk. Mr. Manson caught Garcia and proceeded to stab him with a lollipop which had been sucked down to a sharp point. He then stabbed Mr. Garcia in the neck twice, and in the abdomen once. Garcia remains in critical condition at this time,” Gipson said in a statement.

If Garcia dies, Manson would be charged with murder and, ironically, is the first time he has actually committed an act of violence on another human being using his own two hands.

Warden Gipson says that Manson and Garcia had become friends, and Manson often drew pictures for Garcia to send home to his family. Corrections officers at the facility believe that Manson did not make good on a deal in which Garcia fronted him the box of ramen noodles in exchange for a hand-drawn family portrait, which Manson never completed.

Gipson said this was the first time in her career that she recalls an inmate being stabbed by a lollipop. “It seems bizarre, but it happened, so we have removed all lollipops and suckers from the commissary so that this does not happen again,” Gipson said.

‘Saved By The Bell’ Star Dustin Diamond Charged With Murder After Stabbing Victim Dies

PORT WASHINGTON, Wisconsin – 'Saved By The Bell' Star Dustin Diamond Charged With Murder After Stabbing Victim Dies

Former Saved By The Bell star Dustin Diamond, best known for his awkwardly hilarious character  Samuel “Screech” Powers on the timeless popular hit teen television series Saved By The Bell, has been charged with second-degree murder after a man he stabbed during a barroom brawl has died at a Wisconsin hospital.

Diamond, 37, initially told police that he accidentally stabbed the man with what he said was a ‘pen’, although he later referred to the weapon, which was never found, as a knife. According to Diamond, while trying to defend his fiance, 27-year-old Amanda Schutz, at the Grand Avenue Saloon in Port Washington, where Diamond is a resident, he was forced to brandish the weapon.

Diamond was initially charged with second-degree recklessly endangering safety, disorderly conduct, and carrying a concealed weapon and was released on $10,000 bail before the man, only being referred to by the name of ‘Casey’ per request of family, passed away. Originally reported that Casey was completely fine and his wounds mostly superficial, reports say he took a turn for the worse after a wound from the fight became infected. He died on the operating room table.

Port Washington Police Department spokesperson Marvin Maxwell made the public announcement this morning that Diamond is now being sought for charges of second-degree murder.

“As requested by the family, the last name of the deceased is not to be released at this time and will only be referred to as ‘Casey,'” Maxwell said in the statement. “The case is thoroughly being investigated by the best detectives in Port Washington. Due to the fact that Mr. Diamond used a concealed weapon during the altercation, the police department had no choice but to charge him with second-degree homicide. Please keep in mind that Mr. Diamond is innocent until proven guilty by the court of law,” Maxwell added.

Those who witnessed the altercation seemed to have mixed opinions on what happened during the Christmas night brawl. Some say Diamond was behaving negatively and arrogantly and after refusing to shake the hand of a woman, the fight began. Others say two men had Diamonds girlfriend by the hair and had punched her in the face several times before Diamond got involved. One witness, Carl Peters, told police that the stabbing victim had verbally provoked Diamond.

“He told Screech he wanted to give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker. Screech didn’t like that very much, and that’s when the tussle began” Peters said. “It was just like that episode where Screech got mad at Zack for stealing Lisa away from him, only this time, Screech stabbed the guy. It was awesome. I was half expecting Mr. Belding to come rushing out to break it up and yell ‘hey, hey, hey! What is going on here?!'”

Diamond has been re-arrested following the official announcement of the murder charge. No further court dates have been announced at this time.

 

 

 

Office ‘Pencil Pusher’ Fired After Stabbing Co-Worker With Pencil

DAYTON, Ohio – Office 'Pencil-Pusher' Fired After Stabbing Co-Worker With Pencil

Rocco Faber, a 30-year employee of Drake Business Systems, redefined the conventional image of the mild-mannered office drone, after injuring co-worker Flip McKenzie during a spontaneous attack last week.

“He created tension for me at my expense,” said Faber.  “So I stabbed him in the neck.” Faber, speaking from a suburban Dayton anger management facility continued, “I could hear him on the other side of my cube, drumming his fingers on the table, and he chewed with his mouth open, and he made too many personal calls and I could hear them.  So I stabbed him in the neck.”

Increasingly common occurrences of workplace violence have dominated headlines, reflecting one of the bleaker elements of America’s present-day employment landscape.  The usual scenario includes an employee’s termination, issues of underlying anger, and the use of a weapon – usually and most violently, a firearm.

“I’m against guns and won’t have any in my house or anywhere near me,” said Faber, “but I got so angry that day and I did use my pencil as a weapon.  It was a bad mistake and I wish I could erase it, but I can’t.  It’s a permanent blot on my record.”

Office manager Helen Brown was stunned upon hearing of the unexpected behavior from one of the company’s most consistent employees.  “He’s been here longer than I have,” commented Brown.  “I remember him when I first started.  I sat across from him and he was quiet.  I moved up the ladder pretty quickly, and I didn’t get to know him too well.  Some of the old-timers over in HR were pretty upset.”

In exchange for prison time, a deal was negotiated between prosecutors and Faber’s victim.  “At the end of the day I wasn’t really hurt that bad.” said McKenzie.  “It was more of a scuffle, so I didn’t press charges, you know?  I mean the pencil was pretty dull and it just left a little mark right here on the side of my neck.  He really didn’t have a strong grip.”

Faber will participate in group therapy sessions, where proper coping mechanisms are stressed.  Anger management techniques are demonstrated by role-playing, with constructive criticism making up a large part of treatment.

“They were going to offer me some job training,” Faber said, “but I kept telling them I already have a career, so I asked them if I could continue doing it.  They gave me a job here as the accountant for the group home, and so far, so good.  I manage all the expenses and budgets, so it keeps me busy and not thinking about stabbing anyone in the neck.  I’m just lucky.  One of the guys here makes a lot of jokes, and he said that they gave me another stab at it.  That was a pretty good one and everybody in the room laughed.  He’s a pretty good guy,” said Faber, “but sometimes he tells too many jokes when we’re trying get work done.  We all have a good time though.  My favorite part is when we get to do the role playing, when we get to act out.”

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