John Legend’s Career, Future In Doubt After Being Stabbed in Neck

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John Legend's Career, Future In Doubt After Being Stabbed in Neck

 

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

R&B star John Legend was found this morning naked in Central Park, bleeding profusely from the neck in an apparent stabbing. Preliminary investigations have all but confirmed wife Chrissy Teigen’s version of events – that the star was accidentally stabbed in the throat by his wife’s abnormally sharp-edged shoulder. Paramedics on the scene were able to stem the blood flow, saving the singer’s life, but casting doubt on whether he’ll be able to sing again.

The celebrity couple were, according to Tegin, “attempting to live out a lifelong fantasy” of Legend’s.

“With my mama living a sort of nomadic life, and not having a house or bedroom to ourselves that we could keep on rocking until she comes knocking, the next best option was to…kiss…and stuff…underneath the stars in the park. It’s just a shame that I have such a hazardously perfect imperfection.”

Doctors treating Legend were upbeat about his diagnosis.

“Right now, we’re pretty positive,” said trauma surgeon Keith Van Der Bolt. “John’s going to live a full life. He’ll be back to making love in the relatively near future. We’d recommend some padding, though – Chrissy’s love apparently hurts.”

Despite the good news, the doctor in charge of his rehabilitation had a grim outlook on the singer’s career. “While he may not entirely lose his singing voice, his vocal range will never again match that of Beyonce,” said Dr Herb Whelan. “We’re hoping that he’ll at least be able to reach those pedestrian notes of Rihanna. But what’s more likely is that he’ll have to settle for Kesha’s half octave.”

At press time, Legend had just released his first statement since the accident, saying, “Garble garble, ugh, gnt, nut, flbble shmut.”

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