NEW YORK CITY, New York –
No more than 72 hours after turning himself into authorities after allegations he sexually assaulted dozens of women of the last few decades, Harvey Weinstein has reportedly been “savagely beaten and raped, and left for dead” in a prison cell while he was awaiting sentencing.
According to police, Weinstein was supposed to be in a “restricted cell,” designed for celebrities and rich socialites, and to protect sexual deviants. Unfortunately, prison officials say there was a “slight mix-up,” and Weinstein was put into the general population.
“He only was with his cellmate for about 15 minutes before we found a massacre in the cell,” said Warden Shawn Michaels. “It was really one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever seen.”
Weinstein was rushed to an area hospital after the prison facilities proved to be unfit for his medical needs. He is currently in a medical-induced coma. Prison officials say that although there were only the two men in the cell – Weinstein and another unnamed prisoner – they currently have no leads on the attack, and say they are “looking into it.”
MIAMI, Florida –
College football team The Florida Gators has announced it will be changing its name following the death of a two-year-old boy who was grabbed and drowned by an alligator while vacationing with his family at the Disney World Resort in Florida.
The alligator snatched the toddler as he played at the edge of the Seven Seas Lagoon, a manmade lake at the Walt Disney resort.The boy’s parents, who were relaxing on the white sand shore nearby, sprang into action in a failed attempt to pry their child from the predator’s grip. A lifeguard who was on duty was unable to reach the boy before the alligator swam away with him.
Although the parents did not request the SEC Eastern Division champions change their name, the athletics department at the State University System of Florida says they have received a lot of public pressure. Coach Jim McElwain says he fears it may affect the team. “Personally, I think alligators get a bad rap. I’m worried a name change this close to start of the season is unrealistic and may affect team moral.”
The team has not settled on a new name, but the Raging Retires and Orange Crushers has been proposed.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
A man who was in our nation’s capital protesting the circumcision of infants was reportedly attacked and forcibly circumcised himself, by an assailant that is being referred to as “very angry.”
“He came out of nowhere, out of the shadows, and he pulled me into an alley,” said the protestor, John Jacobs. “He whispered into my ear that ‘dicks should look good, asshole,’ and then he pulled my penis out and cut off the tip.”
Unfortunately for Jacobs, he was actually already circumcised, and the entire head of his penis was cut off.
“The guy was very angry that we were trying to make people stop cutting their babies, and I have no idea why,” said Jacobs. “I think that sometimes people are very passionate about things, and they don’t know how to handle it. Unfortunately, I may have lost my penis, but I feel no ill will. I just want this poor man found so he can get the help he needs.”
SMITHSON, North Carolina –
Hilary Thibodaux, 49, was assaulted when she attempted to preach to shoppers and employees about the evils of Target’s gender-neutral bathroom policy. Thibodaux was upset about a recent Target statement that said, “We welcome transgender team members and guests to use the restroom or fitting room facility that corresponds with their gender identity.”
The mother of 12 marched through Target, waving her bible around and yelling at anyone who will listen while her family followed dutifully behind her. An unidentified woman thought she would knock some sense into Thibodaux, first throwing her bag of popcorn at the woman and then ramming her with her shopping cart. Seeing the size of Thibodaux’s family she backed down, abandoned the shopping cart and fled.
Witness Keli Danton says watched the events unfold.
“I was like, ‘who this crazy bible-thumper ranting and raving about what now?’ We live in small town North Carolina, honey. There aint never been a transgender in this Target. Why she preachin’ here?” said Danton. “I laughed when that crazy fat woman threw her popcorn at her. She shouldn’t have tried to plow her down with her basket though. That aint right. Even if she deserved it, that aint right. Good thing she got out of there. That bitch’s sons would have brought down the fury of the Lord on her ass.”
DETROIT, Michigan –
A Detroit man was arrested after he viciously beat and castrated a man who looked at his 16-year-old daughter while passing on the street. Carl Grover, 47, says that Mick Lowe, 19, deserved the attack, because he “checked out” his daughter.
“That sick bastard looked at my baby’s ass when we walked by on the street, and that ain’t no way to be acting around girls, especially my daughter,” said Grover. “Ain’t no one going to be thinking about putting their dick into my daughter, so ripped his off with my bare hands.”
Lowe, who is hospitalized and has already gone through 14 hours of extensive surgeries, is stable, but doctors say that his penis is completely gone, with no chance of being reattached.
“We have tried to make his penis a useable organ again, but the assailant was vicious in his attack, and tore it apart like a rabid dog,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, a surgeon who has been treating Lowe. “It’s the most violent attack I believe I’ve ever seen.”
Lowe says that he never even noticed Grover or his daughter, until he was attacked from behind after he has passed them by.
“I definitely didn’t look at his daughter like he says,” claims Lowe. “I don’t normally go around checking out the backside of girls as I walk down the street. I mean, that isn’t typical of any gay man that I know.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Former president Bill Clinton was hospitalized today after being attacked on the street by protestors who were rallying in support of Bernie Sanders. According to police, the attack was provoked by comments that Clinton made recently claiming that Sanders supporters wanted to shoot people on Wall Street.
“Former president Bill Clinton was airlifted to a local hospital after being beaten down by a group of Bernie Sanders supporters,” said police chief Walter Richards. “According to bystanders, the group were enraged by comments Clinton made about their tendency to want Wall Street members to be shot and killed.”
Ricky Carson, a Sanders supporter who was arrested in the assault, is facing 20 years in prison for the attack on a former President, but says he would do it all over again if he had to.
“Bernie Sanders is a man of the people, and those people are rallying behind him, in support. I am one of those people. We don’t want anyone dead, and I swear to God, I will beat the ever living shit out of anyone who disagrees with that, or with Bernie,” said Carson.
Police arrested a total of 9 assailants in the attack, and are still seeking 3 more who may have been involved. Ironically, Clinton had allowed his security team the day off so that his wife, Hillary Clinton, could have more security during her time in New York.
Doctors say that Clinton may suffer mild brain damage, but that it’s doubtful anyone would notice.
ARLINGTON, Texas –
The WWE has announced that they are “indefinitely postponing” this year’s Wrestlemania pay-per-view after alleged terrorist threats were received. FBI officials say they cautioned the WWE to cancel the event in the wake of attacks that have happened all over the world.
“The WWE wants our fans to be safe, and so we have decided to cancel the event, with a possible plan to stage it at a late date and time,” said WWE CEO Vince McMahon. “This year’s event was set to be the largest in our company’s history, and we cannot take the chance of there being issues at a spectacle that will house nearly 100,000 people.”
FBI officials say that the received a “credible” but anonymous threat that terrorists would attack during the event, and they are taking the threat seriously.
“We are extremely happy that the WWE has taken this threat as seriously as we have, and cancelled their event,” said FBI spokesman George Glass.
“Frankly, no one really cares if they cancel it, anyway,” said WWE fan Larry Moss. “I mean, it’s the same shit that happens every week on their regular show. Now that pay-per-views are included in the WWE Network, and it’s only $10, they don’t put much thought into it anyway. I’m glad that it’s not happening, really. I was going to miss The Walking Dead. Now I don’t have to.”
SANTA CLARA, California –
The National Football League announced today that they would be canceling this year’s Super Bowl after credible terrorist threats were made. The NFL has been working closely with the FBI for the last several days after the threat was received, and it was at the urging of the government that the NFL cancel the biggest game of the year.
“We did not want to give up the game, because it’s the biggest and most important game of the year, and it brings in hundreds of millions of tax-free dollars for our organization,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “We cannot, in good conscience, allow a game to be played, though, where people got be violently injured or killed. And in this rare instance, I’m referring to the fans, not the players, as their serious injuries come over years of play.”
According to FBI information, a secret organization of New England Patriots fans said they would detonate bombs around Levi’s Stadium during the Super Bowl, killing thousands. A message placed on several anonymous social media websites say that the fans are outraged that their team lost in the AFC championship game, and they planned to take it out on any fans of the two teams that are playing in the Super Bowl.
“We do not currently have plans to reschedule. It is possible we will play the game at a later date with no audience, and then air a taped version of the game, but as of now, no final decision has been made,” said Goodell.
MIAMI, Florida –
Anjali Ramkissoon, the Miami doctor who lashed out at an Uber driver in a drunken rage, has reportedly checked herself into rehab. After being placed on administrative leave by her job, Ramkissoon says she has nothing left to do but focus on her recovery.
Ramkissoon begged for the public’s forgiveness, but it was not forthcoming. She admitted, “There’s absolutely no excuse for my actions. I am ashamed. I am so sorry. I’ve hurt so many people with this – my family, my friends… The Uber driver – no one deserves to be treated that way.”
She hopes while she is in rehab the public will forget about her and random strangers will stop urinating on her car. She says she does not intend to stop drinking, either.
“It’s not the alcohol that’s the problem. I’m not going to stop drinking. God no. It’s my food addiction that’s the problem. I love Snickers bars, and I’m just not myself when I’m hungry, so then I get bombed and lash out at people who don’t deserve it. I hope after I’ve successfully completed treatment my job will take me back and Uber will lift the ban on me. This was just the one time, guys! I’m really sorry.”
DELUTH, Iowa –
Former Ruby Tuesday waitress Cassandra Stephenson says she should not have been terminated after dumping a glass of Coca-Cola on a patron. Bobby Gagne says he plans to sue the restaurant chain, as he now says he’s lost sight in both eyes from the sugary drink.
Stephenson admits telling other servers Gagne had annoyed her, but says she did not mean to dump the drink onto him. “He asked for a Pepsi, and I said, ‘We have Coke – is that ok?’ He sighed, like it was the biggest inconvenience of his life or something. I hate people like that. I didn’t do it on purpose though. It just slipped!”
Gagne says Stephenson gave him a meaningful look before dumping the coke. “She said ‘Here’s your Coke,’ sort of sarcastically, and I thought, ‘this bitch isn’t getting a tip.’ I wasn’t expecting her to dump it on me though. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with people these days. I have been blinded by this woman. I’m suing her, the restaurant, and hell, I may even sue Coca-Cola because of this fiasco! How harsh is this stuff?!”
Doctors say that it would be nearly impossible to be blinded by Coca-Cola, despite its harsh chemicals and use in cleaning auto parts and rust from metal. Lawyers for Stephenson protest that Gagne is a “serial asshole” who has sued more than 200 people or establishments in his lifetime.