Doctor Who Attacked Uber Driver Checks Into Rehab

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MIAMI, Florida

Anjali Ramkissoon, the Miami doctor who lashed out at an Uber driver in a drunken rage, has reportedly checked herself into rehab. After being placed on administrative leave by her job, Ramkissoon says she has nothing left to do but focus on her recovery.

Ramkissoon begged for the public’s forgiveness, but it was not forthcoming. She admitted, “There’s absolutely no excuse for my actions. I am ashamed. I am so sorry. I’ve hurt so many people with this – my family, my friends… The Uber driver – no one deserves to be treated that way.”

She hopes while she is in rehab the public will forget about her and random strangers will stop urinating on her car. She says she does not intend to stop drinking, either.

“It’s not the alcohol that’s the problem. I’m not going to stop drinking. God no. It’s my food addiction that’s the problem. I love Snickers bars, and I’m just not myself when I’m hungry, so then I get bombed and lash out at people who don’t deserve it. I hope after I’ve successfully completed treatment my job will take me back and Uber will lift the ban on me. This was just the one time, guys! I’m really sorry.”

Parents Turn Basement Into Rehab Dungeon After Finding Dabs in Teenager’s Room

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DAMON, South Dakota – 

Nora Ladd at first did not know what she was looking at when she found dabs, or “shatter,” in her 17 year old’s room. She at first thought the amber-colored drug was crack, due to the “crack-pipe” type rig and torch found with it. Dabs is a concentrated form of marijuana with up to 90% THC.

Nora immediately went to the internet to find out just what her teenage son, Scott, was up to. Nora says she would have preferred that it had been crack since she read dabs were extremely dangerous. “I read you could blow up from smoking dabs because it’s made with butane. I flushed it down the toilet, fearing for my life because it could have combusted any second. Then I called Bert and we agreed something had to be done.”

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Nora insisted Bert, her husband, convert his “man-cave” in the basement, because it was was the safest place for their son to be. She had him quickly transformed the space into a “Rehab” while their son was staying a friend’s for the weekend.

Authorities say that although Scott has been kept in the basement since before Christmas vacation started, the parents will be permitted to keep him there until his 18th birthday in May. Social workers have determined keeping him in the basement is the appropriate thing to do, given the severity of his addiction to marijuana. Natalie Parker of DHHS says, “The basement a clean, adequate facility. It has a private bathroom, mom’s home cooking- really all children should be so lucky.”

Some are calling these measures extreme and say “shatter” is neither explosive or harmful, but local users are either too high, or afraid of coming-out as smokers, to campaign for Scott’s freedom.

Liza Minnelli Voted ‘Most Fabulous Junkie’ in Rehab

Liza Minnelli Voted 'Most Fabulous Junkie' in Rehab

SAN DIEGO, California – 

Acclaimed singer and actress Liza Minnelli is reportedly the most fabulous junkie in Hope Winters Rehabilitation Center. Fellow addicts have unanimously agreed that the Cabaret star’s general demeanor, appearance, and movement and gait, are all far superior to the average alcoholic or narcotics user.

“This is a rehab for the upper class, super-super-rich, and we get lots of celebrities here, but none as fabulous as Liza,” said curator Don Hamilton. “We consider ourselves very fortunate to have the privilege of treating this generally gorgeous individual, and humble ourselves as regular, non-fabulous societal rejects before her.”

Famous alumni of the center include Charlie Sheen, Gerard Way, Nigella Lawson, and Lindsay Lohan – none of whom come anywhere near to Minnelli’s objectively superb fashion sense and mode of being.

“Liza has totally lit this place ablaze with her presence,” said a fellow narcotics user, on condition of anonymity. “Out of all the junkies I’ve met in my life – and there have been many – I’ve never met one who carries herself as fabulously as Liz. Usually, they’re downtrodden and miserable, and have scars on their arms and legs. She’s totally different: not a single scar!”

Minnelli’s spokesperson, Henrietta Birgitte, told media that the performer is flattered to have been voted into the position, and wants her supporters to know that no matter how low she falls, she’ll never lose her fabulousness.

“Her spirits are high, and her hair is looking better than ever,” said Birgitte. “She’s been performing songs from the various musicals she’s been in, entertaining the druggies with her vast talent, and even performed her part of My Chemical Romance’strack, Mama.

Various tv networks have expressed interest in filming a reality series at the center. Suggested titles have included “Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous (Junkies)”, “Cabare-hab”, and “Liza Minnelli’s Twelve Step Dance Program”.

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