SAN DIEGO, California –
Acclaimed singer and actress Liza Minnelli is reportedly the most fabulous junkie in Hope Winters Rehabilitation Center. Fellow addicts have unanimously agreed that the Cabaret star’s general demeanor, appearance, and movement and gait, are all far superior to the average alcoholic or narcotics user.
“This is a rehab for the upper class, super-super-rich, and we get lots of celebrities here, but none as fabulous as Liza,” said curator Don Hamilton. “We consider ourselves very fortunate to have the privilege of treating this generally gorgeous individual, and humble ourselves as regular, non-fabulous societal rejects before her.”
Famous alumni of the center include Charlie Sheen, Gerard Way, Nigella Lawson, and Lindsay Lohan – none of whom come anywhere near to Minnelli’s objectively superb fashion sense and mode of being.
“Liza has totally lit this place ablaze with her presence,” said a fellow narcotics user, on condition of anonymity. “Out of all the junkies I’ve met in my life – and there have been many – I’ve never met one who carries herself as fabulously as Liz. Usually, they’re downtrodden and miserable, and have scars on their arms and legs. She’s totally different: not a single scar!”
Minnelli’s spokesperson, Henrietta Birgitte, told media that the performer is flattered to have been voted into the position, and wants her supporters to know that no matter how low she falls, she’ll never lose her fabulousness.
“Her spirits are high, and her hair is looking better than ever,” said Birgitte. “She’s been performing songs from the various musicals she’s been in, entertaining the druggies with her vast talent, and even performed her part of My Chemical Romance’strack, Mama.”
Various tv networks have expressed interest in filming a reality series at the center. Suggested titles have included “Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous (Junkies)”, “Cabare-hab”, and “Liza Minnelli’s Twelve Step Dance Program”.