Swipe Your Driver’s License For Free Gas Thanks To Leftover Campaign Funds [VIDEO]

Posted on April 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALLAS, Texas –

A rather frugal Texan recently made a video showing how anyone in the country could get a bit of free gas at their local gas station, thanks to new campaign laws that make it illegal for money to funnel back into the political candidate once they have left the race.

“These public funds, they could easily go back into a check or some other refund to the people who donated, or to the public via tax breaks, but this seems like a much easier way to get people their few dollars, and at a cheaper cost to the government,” said Craig Smith, who filmed the video. “Checks cost money to print and mail. Instead, it seems they just applied the money to the license of anyone who donated and voted. The money is there, you just have to use it.”

The original post, which was made available on Facebook, claims that it’s valid for anyone “until the fund dries up.”

$10.00 free gas!!!!! Just found out about this! After the Primary Election any money left over in the campaign funds goes into an account and you can get $10.00 free gas a month until the fund goes dry! I tried it and it works!!!! Share with everyone so others can enjoy!!!

Check out the original video below, which explains how the license can be used to obtain the free gas.

Doctor Who Attacked Uber Driver Checks Into Rehab

Posted on January 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

Anjali Ramkissoon, the Miami doctor who lashed out at an Uber driver in a drunken rage, has reportedly checked herself into rehab. After being placed on administrative leave by her job, Ramkissoon says she has nothing left to do but focus on her recovery.

Ramkissoon begged for the public’s forgiveness, but it was not forthcoming. She admitted, “There’s absolutely no excuse for my actions. I am ashamed. I am so sorry. I’ve hurt so many people with this – my family, my friends… The Uber driver – no one deserves to be treated that way.”

She hopes while she is in rehab the public will forget about her and random strangers will stop urinating on her car. She says she does not intend to stop drinking, either.

“It’s not the alcohol that’s the problem. I’m not going to stop drinking. God no. It’s my food addiction that’s the problem. I love Snickers bars, and I’m just not myself when I’m hungry, so then I get bombed and lash out at people who don’t deserve it. I hope after I’ve successfully completed treatment my job will take me back and Uber will lift the ban on me. This was just the one time, guys! I’m really sorry.”

Woman Crushed To Death While Having Sex With Horse

Posted on January 21, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

Elvis, a spotted saddle horse, has been removed from his owner’s custody after crushing a woman to death. According to husband Rick Brownlee, Mary Brownlee had grown up around horses and this wasn’t her first time, so he was not worried she would be injured.

Rick Brownlee, Steven Hutchinson, and Joseph Hutchinson, who all live in the home where the horse was stabled, were not immediately forthcoming about the manner in which Mary had been killed.

Officer Michael Deschenes says at first they pretended not to know how she had been killed when they were questioned.

“Of course it was suspicious because she had her pants around her ankles. There was a puddle of what appeared to be a large amount of ejaculate. I told them that they were going to fess up or they was all going to jail.”

The men finally confessed, and police seized a video showing Mary Brownlee’s last minutes. On the video the men can be heard cheering, laughing, and breathing heavily while the horse mounted Mary. Investigators say the cracking of her ribs can be isolated on the tape. Because Mary was being crushed she was unable to scream for help.

Joseph Hutchinson says they honestly did not know she was in trouble. “I heard a snap. Just thought it was the fence starting to give. I’m real sorry the horse had to go through this. You can tell he’s awfully traumatized over it.”

According to police, the horse will be placed with another local rancher who has promised that he will not let anyone have sex with it.

Jeb Bush Plans to Launch Presidential Bid; Expected to Release Video for Public to Mock

Posted on April 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

As yet, Senator Ted Cruz is the only Republican to have confirmed his intention to run in the 2016 Presidential Elections. His announcement was accompanied by a tacky video, which was roundly mocked on all social media platforms. Senator Jeb Bush is now expected to be the 2nd Republican candidate to announce his campaign, and with it his own short clip, cramming as much ridiculous rhetoric and gaffes into it as possible.

“In a long tradition of out of touch Republicans, Jeb will probably be the next to release a hilariously misinformed video,” said analyst Pete Richman. “I think he’s gonna go all out with this. Think references to black people getting Ebola; think inaccurate information about the economy; think discrimination against gays and atheists.”

Sen. Bush has been spotted strolling through an upper class white neighborhood, followed by a cameraman, indicating that his chosen representation of American life is based on the wealthy minority, ignoring not only the working class, but the middle class as well.

“While it portrays a sweet, idealized version of America, it’s going to lose him the vast majority whose lifestyles are nothing like he imagines,” continued Richman. “African Americans, workers being paid minimum wage, people who realize that not only the rich need to be taken care of – it’s as if he doesn’t recognize that those are the votes he needs to win.”

Accompanying the video, a series of Twitter gaffes, in which Bush accidentally insults even his own supporters, is expected.

“He’ll probably say something like, ‘The upper class is just the same as everyone else’, which his following will take to mean that they’re as pathetic as they believe working and middle class people are. They’ll say things like, ‘We worked to get where we are; those who don’t make it don’t deserve it,’ and his campaign will spend millions correcting the mistakes they already spent millions on.”

The public can look forward to the already denigrated video coming in early April.

Woman Posts ‘Ten Hours Walking in Heels’ Video To Internet – The Comments She Gets Are Disgusting

Posted on March 8, 2015 by Justin Birch

CHICAGO, Illinois –

One of the most recent fads on the internet is the “ten hours walking” video – a montage of a person, usually with some particular identifying characteristic, walking down the streets of a city to prove a point. The latest of these is “Ten Hours Walking in Heels,” filmed by possibly the bravest woman on the planet.

Sandra Gaaf said she got the idea one day when she was trying on a pair of high heels at a shoe store, walking up and down the aisle to get a feel for them, when a man walked by and said simply: “those look painful.”

That was the only spark she needed.

“I still can’t believe we live in a world where a woman can’t walk around in bone-deformingly high heels without getting comments about them,” said Gaaf.

The following day she set out wearing the same pair of heels and walked the streets of Chicago. Men and women alike turned their heads and grimaced as she walked by. Out of all the comments and looks, Gaaf says one stood out and stuck with her for the entire day.

“This woman had the nerve to act compassionate and concerned. It’s about three minutes into the video – she says, ‘hey lady, I’ve got a spare pair of sneakers – you look like you could use them!’ Can you believe that? I mean, what was she trying to say with that last part?”

As part of Gaaf’s experiment she bit her lip and kept walking, but couldn’t shake the remark even during our interview.

Baby Mermaid Washes Ashore In Caribbean, Proves Existence of Mythical Creatures [VIDEO]

Posted on March 7, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PACIFIC OCEAN, CARIBBEAN –

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) has confirmed that a baby mermaid that washed ashore just off of South America is, in fact, a real mermaid.

The creature, the first specimen of its kind to be studied by the agency, washed up on a beach, and was unfortunately already deceased. NOAA officials have said, though, that they had been tracking mermaids for some time, and although they had been able to photograph them previously, this was the first time that one had made its way to shore.

NOAA spokesperson Sandy Nixon first reported the findings to the Weekly World News, where she insisted that these “magical females,” which have been part of the lore of many different groups of people over thousands of years, were real.

“At least 65 mermaid researchers and experts gathered on the island of Tahiti to examine the known evidence and have concluded that the half-human, half-fish hybrids are living peacefully among us,” Nixon told WWN.

Experts indicate that the mermaids generally stick to warmer waters of the Caribbean, but are not unknown in the waters of the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, including a small group of mermaids said to live off the shores of the coast of Maryland.

Netflix Announces Ability To Stream Adult Movies Beginning In April

Posted on February 6, 2015 by JP

LOS GATOS, California –

The massive movie streaming company Netflix is making a bold business decision, as they have decided to stream adult, erotic entertainment along with their slew of television shows and movies. The decision was made after executives began realizing that the market, although saturated on the web, was lacking on any streaming video service.

While the company has said previously that it was not their intent, Netflix did almost single-handedly take down video rental stores like Blockbuster, leaving consumers with a void for acquiring pornography.

“We are sorry-not-sorry that we killed the video stores across the country,” said Netflix CEO Gary Redbox. “Because we destroyed the way that a lot of consumers rented their porn, we have decided to replace that service by offering adult fare through our streaming service, in a new section called Netflixxx. From the comfort of ones own home, any customer of Netflix will be able to watch classic porn titles such as The Balls and The Beautiful, Schindler’s Fist, and How To Fuck A Mockingbird starring Gregory Pecker. These titles and more, at no extra streaming cost.”

While the pornography business is a billion dollar industry, even as most users find it free via the internet, several people in the adult industry are saying that they feel this is a great idea, and that any way that people can see their finished product is better for their bottom line.

“We certainly make a lot of titles. Not all of them are classics like The Cockfather, but even our compilation pornos are really sexy,” said adult filmmaker Dick Hardson. “People don’t seem to realize this, but Netflix pays out millions upon millions of dollars to film studios for the rights to show their movies. Now, Netflix is going to have to pay the porno industry millions – which means we can make way more movies! Hell, it only takes about 6 or 7 hours from first scene to fully complete film, so with this kind of money, we can make hundreds of movies a week!”

Netflix says that they expect the pricing for the customers to stay the same, or possibly even be lowered, as thousands of new customers are anticipated to sign up once the list of available porn titles is released.