12-Year-Old Girl Who Didn’t Get Pony For Christmas Murders Parents While Wearing Horse Mask

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CARLTON, California – 

A 12-year-old girl who asked her parents to get her a pony for Christmas has been arrested for murder, after it was discovered that she stabbed and cut up her parents for not getting her what she asked for.

“I wanted a goddamn pony, and they got me a horse,” said the girl, whose name is not being revealed due to her age. “I didn’t want a fucking horse, I wanted a pony. There’s a difference, and if they’re too stupid to know it, then they’re too stupid to live.”

According to police, the young girl herself called 911 to admit to her crime, and said that they could find her parents in the “goddamn stable” next to the “diced up body of that shitty horse.”

Police Chief Carl Lewis said it was the most gruesome scene that he’d ever witnessed.

“There were horse parts and body parts all over. We really had no idea which piece was human and which was not, it was insane. That fact that this was all done by a little girl, that’s what makes it even scarier,” said Lewis. “We also found a rubber horse mask, which she apparently wore during the crime.”

Currently, the girl is being housed in an undisclosed prison by police, with plans for her to be arraigned on January 3rd. If convicted, she will be the youngest person ever put on death row.

Trump Challenges Hillary To Game of HORSE To See Who Wins Election

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump has said that, in order to give Hillary a “fair chance” at winning after his “super-yuge” lead in the polls, he would allow Hillary to play him in a game of HORSE to decide the winner of the election.

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“I’m quite sure that I will win the election based on votes, and I don’t think it’s even fair to Hillary at this point,” said Trump. “I’m all about fair play. I love women. I respect women, and I respect Hillary. No one has more respect for Hillary than me. And with that respect comes the great admiration that always comes with respect. It with that admiration comes challenge, and with challenge comes sports, and basically, I think we should play a game of HORSE to decide the election, voting be damned.”

Hillary Clinton has not responded directly to the Trump challenge, but staffers on her campaign have said that she has been practicing her layups and 3-point shots in anticipation of a “hell of a game.”

Woman Crushed To Death While Having Sex With Horse

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HUNTSVILLE, Alabama – 

Elvis, a spotted saddle horse, has been removed from his owner’s custody after crushing a woman to death. According to husband Rick Brownlee, Mary Brownlee had grown up around horses and this wasn’t her first time, so he was not worried she would be injured.

Rick Brownlee, Steven Hutchinson, and Joseph Hutchinson, who all live in the home where the horse was stabled, were not immediately forthcoming about the manner in which Mary had been killed.

Officer Michael Deschenes says at first they pretended not to know how she had been killed when they were questioned.

“Of course it was suspicious because she had her pants around her ankles. There was a puddle of what appeared to be a large amount of ejaculate. I told them that they were going to fess up or they was all going to jail.”

The men finally confessed, and police seized a video showing Mary Brownlee’s last minutes. On the video the men can be heard cheering, laughing, and breathing heavily while the horse mounted Mary. Investigators say the cracking of her ribs can be isolated on the tape. Because Mary was being crushed she was unable to scream for help.

Joseph Hutchinson says they honestly did not know she was in trouble. “I heard a snap. Just thought it was the fence starting to give. I’m real sorry the horse had to go through this. You can tell he’s awfully traumatized over it.”

According to police, the horse will be placed with another local rancher who has promised that he will not let anyone have sex with it.

Man Who Had World’s First Horse Penis Transplant Signs Deal To Star In Series Of Adult Films

LOS ANGELES, California – Florida Man Successfully Receives Penis Transplant From Horse

Nicolas Waterbury, the recipient of the world’s first ever horse-to-human penis transplant in July of 2014, made news again earlier this week when he signed a deal with Elite Adult Entertainment, an up-and-coming giant in the adult film industry.

Owner and CEO of EA Entertainment, Ron Wetsherbed, has issued a statement regarding the deal.

“We are very, very excited to get this deal completed. We had been keeping in touch with Mr. Waterbury since his surgery, and have been following his progress. He has officially been cleared as having a completely healthy, normally functioning penis. Something that is music to our ears,” Wetsherbed said.

The deal, worth $2 million, consists of a series of ten films in which Waterbury will co-star with popular adult film actresses who will be announced at a later date.

Wetsherbed said that it is a tremendous and honorable opportunity for his company to become a pioneer of sorts. “This is a first, not just in the adult film industry, but a man with a real horse penis is huge news. Having that man in our films? It is absolutely priceless. It is something everyone will want to see, whether they like pornography or not, and whether they admit it or not. It is one of those things you just have to see to believe, and I can say I have seen it and just let me say, he is going to be a very, very popular man by the end of this year. Mark my words.”

Wendy’s Restaurants Admits Burgers Are Made With Horse Meat

TROY, New York – wendy's

“Where’s the Beef?!” was a popular phrase in the 80s, based on the 1984 TV commercial for Wendy’s restaurants featuring little old ladies sampling other restaurant’s menu items. Apparently the answer to the question is, ironically, not at Wendy’s. At a press conference this morning, Wendy Thomas, daughter of founder Dave Thomas, and president of operations Carl Frosty admitted that mounting internet rumors are true, and that Wendy’s stopped using beef in their burgers back in 1984.

“It’s true – the 1984 ‘Where’s the Beef’ ad was an inside joke started by my father. I really don’t see the big deal, honestly,” said Thomas. “Horse meat is FDA approved, is has been for ages. If you’ve enjoyed our burgers any time in the last 30 years, there’s no reason not to keep enjoying them. My father was a businessman; he experimented to find the cheapest, yet best tasting meat he could. He tried dog, cat, llama, and rats in our testing labs, but horse meat was the tastiest and the cheapest. It’s even less expensive than beef, if you can believe it.”

“We use horse meat in everything that our restaurant serves,” said Frosty. “Our chili, burgers and sandwiches – even our new ‘pulled pork’ sandwich is horse meat. It’s amazing, really. With the right seasoning, you can get horse meat to taste like anything. Wendy’s is not only fast food, but it’s good food, and I hope everyone keeps enjoying our burgers as much as we enjoy making them for you.”

 “Personally, I don’t see the big deal at all,” said Carmine Classi, a self-professed ‘Wendy’s lover’ who was at the press conference. “Horse meat, zebra, unicorn, antelope – I don’t care, as long as it tastes good and it’s cheap. Where else can you take the family out to dinner for $20 bucks? I’m on a tight budget all the time, thanks to a small problem I have with gambling. But hey, when I lose my money at the track I’d yell normally yell ‘I hope they make glue out of you!’ But now I can yell ‘I’ll see you at Wendy’s!'”

 

 

Man Files Lawsuit After His Horse Is Mocked By Neighbor’s Cow

BEAR LAKE, Pennsylvania – Empire-News-Man-Sues-After-His-Horse-Is-Mocked-By-Neighbors-Cow

Charlie Carey, whose horse got stuck in the fence while trying to get out of his corral, is suing his neighbor, Richard Lewis, after Carey tried to get a photo of his horse, and Lewis’ cow “photobombed” the stuck and frightened animal.

“This isn’t the first time Tank [the horse] had gotten stuck trying to get out,” said Carey. “I went out to take a photo, because I hired a team to build a new fence, and wanted to show them exactly what Tank kept doing so they could make something that would prevent it.”

Carey says that when he went out to take a picture, Lewis’ cow, Bessie, jumped right in the picture “with a huge grin on her face.”

“That cow hates me, and it hates Tank, and it was mocking us both.” Alleges Carey.

Carey filed suit in the Warren County Superior Court, citing both Lewis and his cow, saying that Bessie “intentionally mocked, with intent to annoy and humiliate.” He is seeking damages of $180,000, for his “wasted camera film” and emotional distress caused by the incident.

When Lewis was asked about the notion that Bessie knew she was “photobombing” Carey’s horse, he blew off the idea, saying it was all nonsense.

“This whole situation is a damn joke.” Says Lewis, who bought the house next door to Carey’s only about 5 months ago. “Bessie is a cow. She certainly doesn’t have any animosity towards anyone, except for maybe Ronald McDonald. Possibly the Burger King. Definitely not Carey. She doesn’t know him from Adam.”

Lewis and Carey have a history of bad blood, and according to police reports each man has already called them multiple times with various complaints against each other.

“He [Lewis] is the worst neighbor I’ve ever had.” Said Carey. “Ol’ Joe Parsons, he lived there before [Lewis], and he was the damn nicest man you’d ever want to meet. I’ve had nothing but problems since he moved in.”

Police reports show complaints from both men, ranging from “too many chickens running around loose” to “walking around the house naked with the curtains open.”

Martin Hastings, captain of the Bear Lake police department, said that he’s never seen two men have so many disagreements over what he claims is “absolute bull[expletive].”

“It’s gotten to the point where our dispatcher knows both men very well, and calls them by their first names. This photobombing cow thing – I’ve been on the force for 23 years, and now I know I’ve seen it all.”

“Like I said, Charlie is just a [expletive]. Suing me for my cow “mocking him?” Get real. He’s just milking this for all it’s worth. Er, no pun intended, Bessie.” Said Lewis.

 

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