Man Sues Parents For Having Him Circumcised As A Baby

Posted on March 21, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

GARDNER, Indiana –

Caleb Fartz, 38, has filed a lawsuit against his parents, Mary and Richard Fartz, both 70, after he says they “neglected to get his permission” for circumcision, a procedure that Caleb had done when he was only 4 days old.

“My parents did not ask me if I wanted to have a part of my penis lopped off, and if they had asked, I certainly wouldn’t have given them permission,” said Caleb Fartz. “The doctor must have taken too much off, too, because – not that I like to make this public, really – but I’m not very big down there. If I wasn’t circumcised, I’d be a lot bigger. At least by a couple millimeters.”

“We have no idea where this is coming from,” said Richard Fartz. “We gave him plenty of love as a child. He grew up in a pretty well-to-do home. I’m circumcised. Everyone in my family is. It’s not a big deal. Hell, he just isn’t a big kid. Never was. Nothing to be ashamed about. If he thinks he’s going to get anything out of me, then he can just kiss my smegma.”

According to his lawyers, the younger Fartz, which is pronounced like Fart-Zee, is seeking $650,000 in punitive damages, and another $3.5 million for “emotional distress.”

Lindsay Lohan Sues Doctor After Botched Plastic Surgery

Posted on November 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Representatives for Lindsay Lohan say that the star is planning a lawsuit against her former plastic surgeon, who reportedly botched her most recent “lip stretching” surgery, causing her face to be a wide open hole.

“Ms. Lohan request that her lips and mouth be slightly stretched, and the doctor presumably thought she wanted her face to be a gaping hole, or at the very least, that was the end result,” said Lohan’s publicist. “We are seeking legal action against her former surgeon, Dr. Larry Clarke, immediately.”

According to Dr. Clarke, though, he isn’t worried.

“Lindsay has had work done by me several times, including her eyes, breasts, and buttocks, and she was always happy with the result,” said Dr. Clarke. “Then she comes to me recently and says, ‘Doc, make my lips up here look like my lips down there,’ and points to her crotch. So, I did my best to make sure her face lips were as wide apart as her vaginal lips. I think it was a job well done.”

Lawyers for Lohan are reportedly being obtained, with a suit expected to be filed next week.

Caitlyn Jenner Sues Family Of Woman She Killed In Car Accident

Posted on November 4, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MALIBU, California –

Caitlyn Jenner is reportedly suing the family members of a woman she killed in a car accident earlier this year. After receiving a lawsuit from the family against her for wrongful death, Jenner said that she decided to sue the family as well.

“There was substantial damage to my car that was not covered by insurance,” said Jenner. “Someone needs to pay for that, and it shouldn’t have to be me. I’ve suffered enough, what with killing someone and all. The blood that was on the car took Jose, one of my employees, over 6 hours to scrub off. It was disgusting, and he should be heavily compensated for his time.”

Jenner maintains that the accident, which killed 69-year-old Kim Howe, was not her fault.

“I mean, just because I wasn’t paying attention and someone got killed doesn’t mean that it’s my fault,” said Jenner. “Mrs. Howe was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and sometimes, people just die. That doesn’t mean that I need to go to jail, and it certainly doesn’t mean that her family can sue me without getting sued back.”

Jenner has filed a $1.9 million dollar lawsuit against the family for, among other things, car repair and defamation.

“They said that I killed her, and that I had no remorse,” said Jenner. “That’s just not true! I think it’s pretty much not okay to kill someone, but like I said, accidents happen. My heart goes out to them, but my lawyers are going out to them, too.”

Marilyn Manson Threatens To Sue Denny’s Restaurants After They ‘Allowed’ Him To Be Assaulted While Dining There

Posted on April 15, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ALBERTA, BC, Canada –

Marilyn Manson, the shock-rocker known for his outlandish stage shows and dark and brooding songs and lyrics, was recently assaulted at an Alberta, Canada Denny’s restaurant by another patron. According to reports from the assailant, Manson had made rude comments about the man’s girlfriend, and he punched him after Manson allegedly called her a ‘bitch.’ According to Manson’s management, that’s not how the altercation started.

Manson’s manager claims that Manson was posing for pictures in the restaurant after a late-night concert, when the assailant ‘came out of nowhere’ and punched him in the face. Police reports say that at least three people were involved in the incident, but no one was charged. Manson’s manager said that Manson plans on pressing charges against his attacker, but it appears now he is taking it further.

“I’m going to sue the shit out of that Denny’s,” said Manson during a morning radio interview in Alberta. “If I had been anywhere else, like a hotel or a private club, and someone tried to swing on me, security would have stepped in and beat his ass. At Denny’s, they’re too busy fucking up the drunk at the next table’s order of Moons Over My Hammy and refilling my shitty coffee to worry about stopping a famous celebrity from getting punched in the face. It’s ridiculous.”

Manson was reportedly not seriously injured in the altercation, but is seeking heavy damages.

“Damn right they deserve to pay, I could have been seriously hurt or killed. I’m not as young and spry as I used to be, and I bruise easily in my old age. The guy who hit me, he’ll get his turn in court, too, but Denny’s – I’m coming for you, and all your breakfast money.”

A spokesperson for Denny’s corporate attorneys, George Omlet and Richard Egg, could not be reached for comment. Lawyers for Manson say they think he has a “strong case.”

Man Files Lawsuit After His Horse Is Mocked By Neighbor’s Cow

Posted on June 10, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BEAR LAKE, Pennsylvania –

Charlie Carey, whose horse got stuck in the fence while trying to get out of his corral, is suing his neighbor, Richard Lewis, after Carey tried to get a photo of his horse, and Lewis’ cow “photobombed” the stuck and frightened animal.

“This isn’t the first time Tank [the horse] had gotten stuck trying to get out,” said Carey. “I went out to take a photo, because I hired a team to build a new fence, and wanted to show them exactly what Tank kept doing so they could make something that would prevent it.”

Carey says that when he went out to take a picture, Lewis’ cow, Bessie, jumped right in the picture “with a huge grin on her face.”

“That cow hates me, and it hates Tank, and it was mocking us both.” Alleges Carey.

Carey filed suit in the Warren County Superior Court, citing both Lewis and his cow, saying that Bessie “intentionally mocked, with intent to annoy and humiliate.” He is seeking damages of $180,000, for his “wasted camera film” and emotional distress caused by the incident.

When Lewis was asked about the notion that Bessie knew she was “photobombing” Carey’s horse, he blew off the idea, saying it was all nonsense.

“This whole situation is a damn joke.” Says Lewis, who bought the house next door to Carey’s only about 5 months ago. “Bessie is a cow. She certainly doesn’t have any animosity towards anyone, except for maybe Ronald McDonald. Possibly the Burger King. Definitely not Carey. She doesn’t know him from Adam.”

Lewis and Carey have a history of bad blood, and according to police reports each man has already called them multiple times with various complaints against each other.

“He [Lewis] is the worst neighbor I’ve ever had.” Said Carey. “Ol’ Joe Parsons, he lived there before [Lewis], and he was the damn nicest man you’d ever want to meet. I’ve had nothing but problems since he moved in.”

Police reports show complaints from both men, ranging from “too many chickens running around loose” to “walking around the house naked with the curtains open.”

Martin Hastings, captain of the Bear Lake police department, said that he’s never seen two men have so many disagreements over what he claims is “absolute bull[expletive].”

“It’s gotten to the point where our dispatcher knows both men very well, and calls them by their first names. This photobombing cow thing – I’ve been on the force for 23 years, and now I know I’ve seen it all.”

“Like I said, Charlie is just a [expletive]. Suing me for my cow “mocking him?” Get real. He’s just milking this for all it’s worth. Er, no pun intended, Bessie.” Said Lewis.