Angry Mob Burns Down Denny’s Restaurant After Finding It Closed

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BANGOR, Maine – 

If there’s one thing that everyone knows about Denny’s Resturants, it’s that they’re always open, and that their food always gives you the blow shits.

One group of people who were hungry for a late night meal were enraged to find that their local restaurant was closed last Tuesday evening, and instead of finding a new place to eat, opted to burn the place to the ground.

“Denny’s is supposed to always be open, and it was bullshit that they weren’t!” said Jordan Scott, 20. “We drove 40 minutes, which is like 3 days of driving when you’re as high as we were, and when we got there, they weren’t even open. What the fuck is that? Denny’s doesn’t close! We were pissed.”

According to police, Scott and four of his friends arrived at a Denny’s location in Bangor, Maine at around 3am Tuesday morning, and when they found that it was closed for cleaning, they set the building on fire.

“Thankfully, the employees inside working were able to make it out unharmed,” said Police Chief Joe Goldsmith. “Unfortunately for the arsonists, the Denny’s they burned down was directly across the street from a 24-hour Dunkin Donuts, and that place was open. It was also filled with police officers.”

The group of delinquents were arrested, and charged with arson. The group say, though, that they plan to sue Denny’s for false advertising, and will use the money won to pay their own court costs.

Marilyn Manson Threatens To Sue Denny’s Restaurants After They ‘Allowed’ Him To Be Assaulted While Dining There

Marilyn Manson Threatens To Sue Denny's Restaurants After They 'Allowed' Him To Be Assaulted While Dining There

ALBERTA, BC, Canada – 

Marilyn Manson, the shock-rocker known for his outlandish stage shows and dark and brooding songs and lyrics, was recently assaulted at an Alberta, Canada Denny’s restaurant by another patron. According to reports from the assailant, Manson had made rude comments about the man’s girlfriend, and he punched him after Manson allegedly called her a ‘bitch.’ According to Manson’s management, that’s not how the altercation started.

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Manson’s manager claims that Manson was posing for pictures in the restaurant after a late-night concert, when the assailant ‘came out of nowhere’ and punched him in the face. Police reports say that at least three people were involved in the incident, but no one was charged. Manson’s manager said that Manson plans on pressing charges against his attacker, but it appears now he is taking it further.

“I’m going to sue the shit out of that Denny’s,” said Manson during a morning radio interview in Alberta. “If I had been anywhere else, like a hotel or a private club, and someone tried to swing on me, security would have stepped in and beat his ass. At Denny’s, they’re too busy fucking up the drunk at the next table’s order of Moons Over My Hammy and refilling my shitty coffee to worry about stopping a famous celebrity from getting punched in the face. It’s ridiculous.”

Manson was reportedly not seriously injured in the altercation, but is seeking heavy damages.

“Damn right they deserve to pay, I could have been seriously hurt or killed. I’m not as young and spry as I used to be, and I bruise easily in my old age. The guy who hit me, he’ll get his turn in court, too, but Denny’s – I’m coming for you, and all your breakfast money.”

A spokesperson for Denny’s corporate attorneys, George Omlet and Richard Egg, could not be reached for comment. Lawyers for Manson say they think he has a “strong case.”

Homeless Waitress Receives $1 Million Dollar Tip

Homeless Waitress Receives $1 Million Dollar Tip

SAN FRANCISCO, California – 

Heartwarming scenes took place earlier today at a Denny’s in San Francisco, where a waitress was left a $1 million dollar tip by an anonymous philanthropist. The patron seemingly took note of Miss Debra Warding’s shabby appearance, realizing that she is homeless, and took matters into his own hands.

“We’re all very excited for Debra,” said branch manager, Tony Mascherano. “She deserves to have something good in her life because, let’s be honest, she’s a total mess. Maybe she can finally get her disgusting face sorted out and possibly wash her damn apron and shirt.”

Other coworkers were just as effusive with their sympathetic joy at their colleague’s luck.

“One million dollars,” gasped Monica Tripp continuously. “What a lucky bitch – oh, that’s my term of affection for her. Bitch. She can buy herself some friends now, at least!”

“The poor girl,” Sandra Dee moaned. “She has nothing – no family, no joy, no good looks or personality traits. If anyone needed this, it’s her. And the rest of us – we’re going to be rid of her putrid stench…which we’re all going to miss. Of course.”

Other customers at the fast food joint were no less touched, with many of them bursting into tears and rushing out of the restaurant, never to return. One, however, has taken inspiration from the formerly down-and-out woman.

“I’m becoming a waiter,” Dan Lewin said as he ripped holes in his clothing. “I’m moving out of my house and I’m going to live on the street for a bit. Debra has set a very humble example, and I’m going to follow it until I get as lucky as she did.”

What is perhaps even more moving is that a trainee waiter had something to do with Debra’s good fortune.

“I gave the guy the idea,” Stan Patel told us. “I even gave him the one million dollar bill that he left for her. I guess I reckoned someone would have figured out the joke by now, I mean hell, it was a million dollar bill. Do those even exist? Shit, watching this play out is far more rewarding than I could have imagined.”

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