Angry Mob Burns Down Denny’s Restaurant After Finding It Closed

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BANGOR, Maine – 

If there’s one thing that everyone knows about Denny’s Resturants, it’s that they’re always open, and that their food always gives you the blow shits.

One group of people who were hungry for a late night meal were enraged to find that their local restaurant was closed last Tuesday evening, and instead of finding a new place to eat, opted to burn the place to the ground.

“Denny’s is supposed to always be open, and it was bullshit that they weren’t!” said Jordan Scott, 20. “We drove 40 minutes, which is like 3 days of driving when you’re as high as we were, and when we got there, they weren’t even open. What the fuck is that? Denny’s doesn’t close! We were pissed.”

According to police, Scott and four of his friends arrived at a Denny’s location in Bangor, Maine at around 3am Tuesday morning, and when they found that it was closed for cleaning, they set the building on fire.

“Thankfully, the employees inside working were able to make it out unharmed,” said Police Chief Joe Goldsmith. “Unfortunately for the arsonists, the Denny’s they burned down was directly across the street from a 24-hour Dunkin Donuts, and that place was open. It was also filled with police officers.”

The group of delinquents were arrested, and charged with arson. The group say, though, that they plan to sue Denny’s for false advertising, and will use the money won to pay their own court costs.

Over 300 Bodies Found In Hudson River By NYPD; Police Suspect Foul Play

Over 300 Bodies Found In Hudson River By NYPD; Police Suspect Foul Play

 

NEW YORK, NEW YORK –

A group of divers from the New York Police Department made an eerie discovery this morning during a routine training exercise. So far, 327 bodies have been found on the floor of the Hudson river, just off the coast of Midtown-Manhattan, by the NYPD dive team, according to spokesperson James Dailey.

“At approximately 10:15 AM, our divers discovered the bodies during a training exercise. The identities of the deceased are unknown at this time,” Dailey said at an impromptu press conference held outside One Police Plaza in Manhattan. “All of the bodies found were chained to cinder blocks, which were most likely used to weigh down the corpses. We do believe that foul play was involved.”

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There is speculation amongst the department of whether or not the bodies are linked to the notorious Del Pino crime family, who had seized control over the city within the past five years, and are most notably believed to be responsible for the deaths of Peter “Half-Foot” Marcini and Ronnie “Staircase Nose” Nanatelli, both known for being masters of the bootleg dvd trade which preys upon tourists visiting the bustling Manhattan.

“It (the Hudson River) seems to suddenly be a very popular place for wrong-doers and murderers to dispose of bodies, much less go as low as to murder adversaries because of misunderstandings. Very rarely in the past would we have pulled a bloat from the Hudson, and we certainly wouldn’t have pulled 300 or more out. Back in the old days, you think the guys woulda resorted to violence to solve the common adversities that life had dealt them? Forget about it,” Dailey concluded. “I tell you though, we really, really need to start diving the Hudson more. Finding a body or two is one thing, finding this many? It’s going to take weeks to sort through them all.”

Florida Woman Sells Eye For $100 Cash

MIAMI, Florida – Florida Woman Sells Eye For 100 Cash

Unemployed single mother Mary Sampson, 30, who was in desperate need of grocery money to feed her six children, was recently presented with a unique business opportunity.

“It’s embarrassing, but I was out panhandling for the first time in my life, and not doing well at all, when I was approached by two large Russian men who said they had a business opportunity for me,” said Sampson.

According to her account, after several minutes of hesitation, Sampson got into a van with the Russian men, and was driven to a warehouse. The ‘business opportunity’ that they presented was an offer to buy her left eye for the sum of $50.

“At first I was like not only ‘no,’ but ‘hell no!’” Sampson said. “But they [the Russians] made me feel guilty. They said my eye would go to an elderly woman, blind from birth, who only had six months to live. She desperately wanted to see before she died, even if it were only through one eye. I spent the longest ten minutes of my life trying to decide if I should sell it or not.”

Sampson finally agreed to help the blind woman, but needed more than fifty dollars for the groceries she was planning to purchase. Sampson said asking for more money led to a somewhat intense back and forth negotiation with the Russians until both parties finally settled on one hundred dollars cash.

“At first they wanted to write me a check, but I’m not stupid. Even though they seemed sorta nice, they might have tried to write a bad check. I’ve had people write me bad checks before. I told them I’m a cash only girl,” said Sampson.

The Russians had their own doctor extract the eye in a medical room they had conveniently setup inside the warehouse, and Sampson was dropped back at her panhandling spot the next day.

Sampson said she’s now adjusting ‘okay’ to life with one eye, minus a couple of infections, but was just glad she could buy groceries for her children.

“Plus, I got to make an old woman somewhere very happy by giving her the gift of limited vision,” said Sampson, proudly.

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