Hair Stylists Stabs Man In Head With Scissors After He Refuses To Tip

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MIAMI, Florida – 

A Florida man is in critical condition after a hair stylist stabbed in him the head with a pair of scissors late yesterday afternoon.

According to police, Marvin Jones was getting his haircut at a StyleCuts location in Miami, and when he was done, he was paying via a credit card.

“Eye witnesses say that the assailant, Missy Richards, asked Jones if he would like to leave a gratuity on the card, but Jones declined,” said police chief Marvin Simmons. “At that point, Ms. Richards picked up a pair of scissors from her station, and stabbed Mr. Jones in the head or face area with them.”

“I’ve been cutting hair for years, and it still pisses me off when someone doesn’t tip,” said Richards, 29. “I mean, if you’re a grown-ass man, and you come in to my shop, or any shop that provides a service, really, and you can’t even be bothered to tip? Well fuck you, I’ve got a tip for you, then. The tip of my scissors in your damn face!”

Police have arrested Richards, and she is being charged with assault with a deadly weapon, as well as attempted murder. Doctors are unsure at this time if Jones will survive, but they say he will probably lose sight in the eye closest to where he was stabbed.

Woman To Receive World’s First Cat Eye Transplant

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POMONA VALLEY, California –

After a vicious attack, Cheryl Wrigley thought she would never see again. Although she could not afford a traditional human eye transplant, she now hopes she will see again after being selected for an experimental cat’s eye transplant.

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The rods and cones of a cat’s eye are quite different from humans, meaning Cheryl’s color vision will be altered, but she will be able to see better at night. Researchers at Pomona Valley Hospital Medical Center’s experimental unit are interested to find out exactly how her perception changes.

Because cats have ultra-violet transparent lenses, unlike humans, UV light will reach her retina, potentially allowing her to see more of the light spectrum than any other person has. Scientists are unsure whether her brain will be able to process the UV light in the same way a cat’s brain will, and are interested to see if this works.

“I always thought about getting like some cat’s eye contacts. I’m going to look so sexy after my operation,” says Wrigley. Although a cat’s eyeball is significantly smaller than a humans, Wrigley will receive plastic surgery to alter her face and make the rest of her features proportional.

Florida Woman Sells Eye For $100 Cash

MIAMI, Florida – Florida Woman Sells Eye For 100 Cash

Unemployed single mother Mary Sampson, 30, who was in desperate need of grocery money to feed her six children, was recently presented with a unique business opportunity.

“It’s embarrassing, but I was out panhandling for the first time in my life, and not doing well at all, when I was approached by two large Russian men who said they had a business opportunity for me,” said Sampson.

According to her account, after several minutes of hesitation, Sampson got into a van with the Russian men, and was driven to a warehouse. The ‘business opportunity’ that they presented was an offer to buy her left eye for the sum of $50.

“At first I was like not only ‘no,’ but ‘hell no!’” Sampson said. “But they [the Russians] made me feel guilty. They said my eye would go to an elderly woman, blind from birth, who only had six months to live. She desperately wanted to see before she died, even if it were only through one eye. I spent the longest ten minutes of my life trying to decide if I should sell it or not.”

Sampson finally agreed to help the blind woman, but needed more than fifty dollars for the groceries she was planning to purchase. Sampson said asking for more money led to a somewhat intense back and forth negotiation with the Russians until both parties finally settled on one hundred dollars cash.

“At first they wanted to write me a check, but I’m not stupid. Even though they seemed sorta nice, they might have tried to write a bad check. I’ve had people write me bad checks before. I told them I’m a cash only girl,” said Sampson.

The Russians had their own doctor extract the eye in a medical room they had conveniently setup inside the warehouse, and Sampson was dropped back at her panhandling spot the next day.

Sampson said she’s now adjusting ‘okay’ to life with one eye, minus a couple of infections, but was just glad she could buy groceries for her children.

“Plus, I got to make an old woman somewhere very happy by giving her the gift of limited vision,” said Sampson, proudly.

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