Homeless Waitress Receives $1 Million Dollar Tip

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Homeless Waitress Receives $1 Million Dollar Tip

SAN FRANCISCO, California – 

Heartwarming scenes took place earlier today at a Denny’s in San Francisco, where a waitress was left a $1 million dollar tip by an anonymous philanthropist. The patron seemingly took note of Miss Debra Warding’s shabby appearance, realizing that she is homeless, and took matters into his own hands.

“We’re all very excited for Debra,” said branch manager, Tony Mascherano. “She deserves to have something good in her life because, let’s be honest, she’s a total mess. Maybe she can finally get her disgusting face sorted out and possibly wash her damn apron and shirt.”

Other coworkers were just as effusive with their sympathetic joy at their colleague’s luck.

“One million dollars,” gasped Monica Tripp continuously. “What a lucky bitch – oh, that’s my term of affection for her. Bitch. She can buy herself some friends now, at least!”

“The poor girl,” Sandra Dee moaned. “She has nothing – no family, no joy, no good looks or personality traits. If anyone needed this, it’s her. And the rest of us – we’re going to be rid of her putrid stench…which we’re all going to miss. Of course.”

Other customers at the fast food joint were no less touched, with many of them bursting into tears and rushing out of the restaurant, never to return. One, however, has taken inspiration from the formerly down-and-out woman.

“I’m becoming a waiter,” Dan Lewin said as he ripped holes in his clothing. “I’m moving out of my house and I’m going to live on the street for a bit. Debra has set a very humble example, and I’m going to follow it until I get as lucky as she did.”

What is perhaps even more moving is that a trainee waiter had something to do with Debra’s good fortune.

“I gave the guy the idea,” Stan Patel told us. “I even gave him the one million dollar bill that he left for her. I guess I reckoned someone would have figured out the joke by now, I mean hell, it was a million dollar bill. Do those even exist? Shit, watching this play out is far more rewarding than I could have imagined.”

Donald Trump to Give All His Money to Cancer Research

Donald Trump to Give All His Money to Cancer Research

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Business magnate and celebrity, Donald Trump, is in the process of donating nearly all of his wealth to cancer research. The billionaire’s estate is known to be associated with many charity organizations, but Trump seems to have a personal sympathy for this cause.

“It’s long been his dream to find a cure for cancer,” said daughter Ivanka. “He cares so much for all those poor, hideous people going through the rigors of chemotherapy.”

Other, more cynical commentators have however shed doubt on the purity of his actions. One of the major critics is son, Donald Jr.

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“Dad would never give his money away for no reason,” young Donald said. “He has some sort of smart business plan, that’s going to make me… I mean him… lots more money. He has to, doesn’t he?”

Much of the conservative community has agreed with Trump Jr. Their argument is that “Donald typifies the ideal capitalist. He ruthlessly makes as much money as possible, uses it philanthropically when it will serve to make him more money, and never gives anything away for free. He embodies the values on which America was founded. If you give people handouts, they’ll never learn to take care of themselves. Cancer patients are no exception. It’s because of all the charity they get from liberals that you never see the dying victims themselves sitting in labs researching. They’re so entitled already.”

Trump, however, is not budging on the insistence of his pure motives.

“This is charity, plain and simple,” he announced at the American Association for Cancer Research (AARC) annual fundraiser. “All I want is for our esteemed biologists and doctors to come up with a way to relieve the torments of cancer. Especially the hair loss factor, and the pasty white skin. If they can just find a way to cure those symptoms, a lot of people’s lives will be vastly improved. I know mine will.”

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