WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Donald Trump has ordered the FBI and CIA to track down a group of “anonymous” hackers who are claiming that they have sex tapes featuring President Donald Trump and his daughter, Ivanka.
As seen in leaked images, the tapes – allegedly stolen from a cell phone that belongs to Ivanka’s husband, Jared Kushner – are legitimate, and do depict Trump engaging in sexual acts with his daughter.
“This comes as no surprise to me at all,” said a White House staffer who asked not to be identified. “I was creeped out the first time he mentioned how hot she was, but he’s said it so many times since, that I’ve become kind of jaded by it. Yeah, Mr. President. Your daughter is hot. We get it. As it turns out, he’s been fucking her all along. Not even really a shocker at this point.”
As there is currently no FBI director, that bureau has made little progress in finding out who the hackers were, but so far, the CIA has reported that they haven’t had much luck either.
“Frankly, despite it being a serious concern for Trump, no one in the department really cares that much to find it,” said CIA John Brennan. “No one is surprised by this, and in reality, what damage could it really do to the guy? He’s been caught talking about grabbing women by the pussy because he thinks they like it. Does it really surprise anyone that he thinks his daughter, who he complements all the time about how ‘hot’ she is, has another pussy he can grab? And even if we do find the source of the tapes, hasn’t the damage already been done? I mean, it’s not like any Trump supporter is going to care anyway. They’ll call it fake news and move on with their lives.”
President Trump has not made any public comment on the matter. The video has been streamed on PornHub over 2 million times in less than 24 hours.
CHICAGO, Illinois –
Business magnate and celebrity, Donald Trump, is in the process of donating nearly all of his wealth to cancer research. The billionaire’s estate is known to be associated with many charity organizations, but Trump seems to have a personal sympathy for this cause.
“It’s long been his dream to find a cure for cancer,” said daughter Ivanka. “He cares so much for all those poor, hideous people going through the rigors of chemotherapy.”
Other, more cynical commentators have however shed doubt on the purity of his actions. One of the major critics is son, Donald Jr.
“Dad would never give his money away for no reason,” young Donald said. “He has some sort of smart business plan, that’s going to make me… I mean him… lots more money. He has to, doesn’t he?”
Much of the conservative community has agreed with Trump Jr. Their argument is that “Donald typifies the ideal capitalist. He ruthlessly makes as much money as possible, uses it philanthropically when it will serve to make him more money, and never gives anything away for free. He embodies the values on which America was founded. If you give people handouts, they’ll never learn to take care of themselves. Cancer patients are no exception. It’s because of all the charity they get from liberals that you never see the dying victims themselves sitting in labs researching. They’re so entitled already.”
Trump, however, is not budging on the insistence of his pure motives.
“This is charity, plain and simple,” he announced at the American Association for Cancer Research (AARC) annual fundraiser. “All I want is for our esteemed biologists and doctors to come up with a way to relieve the torments of cancer. Especially the hair loss factor, and the pasty white skin. If they can just find a way to cure those symptoms, a lot of people’s lives will be vastly improved. I know mine will.”