WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Donald Trump has ordered the FBI and CIA to track down a group of “anonymous” hackers who are claiming that they have sex tapes featuring President Donald Trump and his daughter, Ivanka.
As seen in leaked images, the tapes – allegedly stolen from a cell phone that belongs to Ivanka’s husband, Jared Kushner – are legitimate, and do depict Trump engaging in sexual acts with his daughter.
“This comes as no surprise to me at all,” said a White House staffer who asked not to be identified. “I was creeped out the first time he mentioned how hot she was, but he’s said it so many times since, that I’ve become kind of jaded by it. Yeah, Mr. President. Your daughter is hot. We get it. As it turns out, he’s been fucking her all along. Not even really a shocker at this point.”
As there is currently no FBI director, that bureau has made little progress in finding out who the hackers were, but so far, the CIA has reported that they haven’t had much luck either.
“Frankly, despite it being a serious concern for Trump, no one in the department really cares that much to find it,” said CIA John Brennan. “No one is surprised by this, and in reality, what damage could it really do to the guy? He’s been caught talking about grabbing women by the pussy because he thinks they like it. Does it really surprise anyone that he thinks his daughter, who he complements all the time about how ‘hot’ she is, has another pussy he can grab? And even if we do find the source of the tapes, hasn’t the damage already been done? I mean, it’s not like any Trump supporter is going to care anyway. They’ll call it fake news and move on with their lives.”
President Trump has not made any public comment on the matter. The video has been streamed on PornHub over 2 million times in less than 24 hours.