Hackers Plan To Leak SEX TAPE of Donald Trump With His Daughter Ivanka – The President Is FURIOUS!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump has ordered the FBI and CIA to track down a group of “anonymous” hackers who are claiming that they have sex tapes featuring President Donald Trump and his daughter, Ivanka.

As seen in leaked images, the tapes  – allegedly stolen from a cell phone that belongs to Ivanka’s husband, Jared Kushner – are legitimate, and do depict Trump engaging in sexual acts with his daughter.

“This comes as no surprise to me at all,” said a White House staffer who asked not to be identified. “I was creeped out the first time he mentioned how hot she was, but he’s said it so many times since, that I’ve become kind of jaded by it. Yeah, Mr. President. Your daughter is hot. We get it. As it turns out, he’s been fucking her all along. Not even really a shocker at this point.”

As there is currently no FBI director, that bureau has made little progress in finding out who the hackers were, but so far, the CIA has reported that they haven’t had much luck either.

“Frankly, despite it being a serious concern for Trump, no one in the department really cares that much to find it,” said CIA John Brennan. “No one is surprised by this, and in reality, what damage could it really do to the guy? He’s been caught talking about grabbing women by the pussy because he thinks they like it. Does it really surprise anyone that he thinks his daughter, who he complements all the time about how ‘hot’ she is, has another pussy he can grab? And even if we do find the source of the tapes, hasn’t the damage already been done? I mean, it’s not like any Trump supporter is going to care anyway. They’ll call it fake news and move on with their lives.”

President Trump has not made any public comment on the matter. The video has been streamed on PornHub over 2 million times in less than 24 hours.

‘Anonymous’ Hackers Arrested In Sting Opperation

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A US Department of Justice and FBI sting of a group of apartments in downtown Boston yesterday yielded the arrests of a reported 24 members of the hacking group ‘Anonymous,’ who in this case, turned out to be anything but.

“Anonymous hackers have been bombarding Twitter with account information of supposed terrorists – whether they be ISIS or otherwise related – in hopes of having them [the accounts] removed,” said Federal Agent Richard Gill. “In those takedown requests, several members of the group left key information about their location, and we were able to track their whereabouts and make the arrest.”

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Although support for Anonymous has been at an all-time high after the group declared war on terrorists who use the internet to coordinate their attacks and pass along information, the FBI and other government agencies still list Anonymous themselves as a terrorist group.

“Hackers penetrate and ravage delicate public and privately owned computer systems, infecting them with viruses, and stealing information for their own ends,” said Gill. “These people, they’re terrorists.”

With an estimated half a million people on the internet claiming to be part of Anonymous or an avid supporter of the group, the arrest of 24 people – aged 19 to 38 – seems small in the grand scheme of things, although Agent Gill says it’s a “great start.”

“Naturally we know that we will never be able to arrest every member of Anonymous, and even if we could, a new generation of tech-enthusiasts would pop up in their place, but we need to put a stop to hacking, as much as possible,” said Gill. “Maybe it’s a war we can’t win, but hey, we’ve been uselessly fighting the war on drugs for decades, so why not the war on hackers, too?”

Outed Millionaire Cheater Puts $5 Million Bounty On Ashley Madison Hacker

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ONTARIO, Canada – 

An anonymous millionaire in Ontario, Canada has posted a $5 million dollar bounty on the hackers who leaked sensitive information from the website AshleyMadison.com, a website dedicated to helping married men and women have discreet hook-ups and affairs.

The millionaire, who took out full page ads in the Ontario Free Press, The New York News, and the LA Gazette, said that he was an active member of the website and, although many people are currently suing the AshleyMadison website, he felt that there was a better way of “getting justice.”

“Just because I can’t keep it in my pants, doesn’t mean that I want the world to know about it,” read the full-spread ad, included in Friday’s edition. “My name is one of over 35 million active users, and I paid for a service that was supposed to keep my name OUT of the spotlight. I’ve made enough money in my life that I can and will cum anywhere I want, whenever I want, on whoever I want, and I will do it discreetly so that my wife doesn’t take half my money in the divorce. This leak of private information is a disgrace and an outrage.”

The ad went on to say that there was a $5 million dollar ‘bounty’ to the first person who could find the hackers, and release their names publicly.

“If they’re going to go ahead and release my name, and everyone’s name, then they should be known. Anonymous is bullshit! Unless, of course, you’re trying to get your rocks off without your wife knowing. Then anonymity is everything.”

So far, all 3 major newspapers have been inundated with calls and emails asking about the purchaser of the ad, but so far, they’ve actually been able to keep all information private.

 

Hacker Group “Anonymous” Gives In-Depth Critique of Taylor Swift’s Dating Choices

Hacker Group “Anonymous” Gives In-Depth Critique of Taylor Swift's Dating Choices

UNKNOWN, Internet – 

Last week, hacker group Anonymous posted a strange video on YouTube, giving lengthy admonitions to rapper Kanye West. The six minute clip showed a man in a Guy Fawkes mask – as is usual in appearances made by members of the group – talking about West’s childish rants about Beck, Kim Kardashian’s naked photos, and the bad example they’re setting for the nation’s children, as well as their own. Many were surprised that Anonymous chose to target West, but the hackers have managed to top their own unpredictability. Earlier today, a video was released targeting Taylor Swift, giving an in-depth critique of her dating choices.

“You go on too many dates, Taylor,” said the masked figure, in a digitally altered voice. “But it’s your taste in boys that gets to us. You dated a Jonas brother, for God’s sake. We need not comment on that one.

“Then you dated Taylor Lautner. Firstly, he has the same name as you. No respectable human being dates someone who shares their name. Secondly, he’s Taylor fucking Lautner. Thirdly, he looks like an alpaca. Forthly, he’s Taylor fucking Lautner.”

The clip did not stop there, choosing to go on to bash John Mayer, calling him “a pretentious douche”.

But it wasn’t all bad. They made special mention of Jake Gyllenhaal, who they hailed as the best decision of her life, and lamented their break-up.

“Jake is something special. You showed wisdom in selecting him, proving to us that you do have at least some taste. Yes, he broke up with you via text, which was pretty shit of him, but, as you yourself say, your exes ‘will tell you I’m insane’.

“You effectively canceled out the merit you won by dating Jake, when you decided to couple with Harry Styles. He’s like twelve years old. He has stupid hairstyles. He looks like a lesbian. And he’s a member of One Direction. Now, we like One Direction as much as the next person, but would never be so shortsighted as to think a relationship with one of those guys could actually be healthy and positive. For God’s sake Taylor – you really have to up your game!”

Anonymous are expected to go after Adam Sandler next, explaining why all of his movies are a crime against moviegoers everywhere.

Hollywood Gives Up On Fighting Piracy, Plans To Release All Movies Directly To ThePirateBay

Hollywood Gives Up On Fighting Piracy, Plans To Release All Movies Directly To ThePirateBay

 

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Hollywood has issued a surprising statement, informing of their intention to stop fighting piracy. Instead, they will embrace the means available, and release new movies directly to ThePirateBay (TPB), and other torrent or peer-to-peer networks. This move was not only unexpected, but un-thought of, according to experts in the industry.

“I can’t believe that everyone agreed to this,” said Bernie Ackerman. “ Seriously, to get people in Hollywood to agree on what to eat for lunch is hard enough.”

Richard Gansit explained some of the implications of the move.

“This drastic decision will impact the income of millions of individuals, as well as bring many big companies to the ground. The only beneficiaries I can think of are those too cheap to spend a few dollars on a movie ticket,” said Gansit. “Free media is the death of industries. Look at the music industry. Ever since tape dubbing became a thing, the sales of albums have dropped year over year. It’s insane.”

Production companies may be the hardest hit, seeing as features which previously would have been produced for the big screen, will now mostly be streaming or downloaded to home devices.

“They’ve ruined us,” said OneProduction’s Robert Milton. “They’ve destroyed our prospects, and in turn, the lives of our families, friends, and anyone unfortunate enough to be associated with us. I guess it’s par for the course with Hollywood executives, anyway.”

Reception from hackers was similarly negative. The general sentiment seems to be one of suspicion, that some money-making plan is behind it all.

“I can’t believe TBP’s agreed to this,” said one loyalist. “I always thought they worked for us, for the common man, but now it comes out that they’re just in it for the money. I don’t know what Hollywood has offered them, but it can’t be enough to justify selling their souls.”

The vast majority of the general public, however, were indifferent, with their stance being that nothing has changed.

“I’ve been downloading movies from piratebay for years now,” said Henry Morris. “I’ll continue doing that as long as there are good quality movies for me to grab. The fact that Hollywood will be releasing films directly to the site seems like a great idea – every movie will be a pristine copy, and I’ll never have to deal with a cam version where I can hear people coughing and talking in the theatre. I download movies to get away from that shit. But, whether it’s criminals uploading or Hollywood uploading, and whether someone else is making money, who cares? I’m still getting it for free, aren’t I?”

Hackers Attack Social Media Website Google+

Hackers Attack Social Media Website Google+

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California – 

Google+ was recently attacked by a group of hackers who call themselves The GorillaGods, and the site was reportedly down for almost a week. The case is being investigated by internal Google programmers and federal authorities, but reportedly is not considered a “high priority.”

After 7 days one user, Billy Johnson, eventually noticed Google+ was missing. “I logged into my Gmail account, as I normally do every day, but after checking emails, I needed to take a look at Google Maps, so I clicked on the Apps. I accidentally chose Google+ instead of maps, though, and was taken to an empty website with random graffiti-style tags all over it,” said Johnson. “Normally I wouldn’t have bothered doing anything about it, but I couldn’t get back to my emails, nor move forward to the maps. That’s why I informed the Google people. I’d never used Google+ before. Shit, I didn’t even know it existed.”

Programmers from Google brought the website back very quickly after Johnson informed them of the attack. Reportedly, a few clicks were enough to bring the site back.

“As it turned out, the hackers didn’t get deeply into the structure of Google+; Our programmers suspect their aim was attacking another website, but they shut down Google+ by a mistake,” said Google spokesperson Amanda Fuller. “We didn’t even notice ourselves, to be honest. I know I didn’t. I mean, I have a G+ account, but it’s not really useful, since I have Facebook.”

“We still don’t know who attacked Google+,” says Patrick Murphy, one of the federal agents assigned to the investigation. “The main theory claims it was Google that staged the hack in order to make a fuss and gain some popularity, because no one even remembers that Google+ is even a thing. Clearly, if it wasn’t Google, then someone attacked them by accident, because no self-respecting hacker group would bother with such a waste of a website.”

The website is back up and fully-functioning, although at the time of this writing, it still appeared very desolate and unused.

Independent Theatre Owner Calls Major Chains, Film Studio ‘Pussies,’ Still Wants To Play ‘The Interview’

CONCORD, Massachusetts – theinterviewposter Independent Movie Theatre Will Still Play 'The Interview', Owner Calls Major Theatre Owners 'A Bunch of Scared Pussies'2222Independent Movie Theatre Will Still Play 'The Interview', Owner Calls Major Theatre Owners 'A Bunch of Scared Pussies'2222

With news breaking late Tuesday evening that most major movie theatre chains – including AMC, Cinemark, Cinemagic, and Regal, among others – would be dropping their bookings for the Seth Rogen comedy The Interview over threats of violence from hackers, Sony Pictures officially announced that they would be pulling the film from theatres all together.

One lone theatre owner in Massachusetts says he’s upset that he’s being denied a movie he’s had pre-booked for weeks.

“I should be able to show whatever Goddamned movie I want to show,” said Cletus Lorde, 79. “I’ve been showing the pictures here for the last 53 years, and my dad was showing ’em for another 40 before that. We’ve always showed what the people want to see, and the local kids have said they want to see that film.”

Lorde says he is carrying on a tradition of showing controversial films started by his father, Francis Lorde, when he showed the pro-Ku Klux Klan film The Birth of a Nation back in 1917.

“Dad fought the town like crazy to be able to play that. The entire city council tried to shut the theatre down, but dad stood his ground and, in the end, he played it. The movie sold out every show for 2 straight months. Controversy brings the dollars. That’s another reason I want to make sure I play this movie. There’s a Regal theatre a few miles away; been stealing my business for the last decade. ‘Bout time I take some back, if I do say so myself.”

Sony Pictures, the distribution company for The Interview originally said they had no plans of completely pulling the film from theatres, and would stand behind any company that didn’t wish to play it, but changed their stance on Wednesday afternoon.

“Those big-wigs at the megaplex chains and the studios, they’re all a bunch of scared little pussies,” said Lorde. “Those big-talking internet assclowns ain’t gonna do nothing to nobody. It’s all hogwash. You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if the film company themselves is making this big deal out of it just to drum up business for when they release it on DVD. Damn home video is killing my theatre. Well I tell you what, ol’ Cletus ain’t afraid of no internet people, and I ain’t afraid to show a movie with a little controversy, neither. If they change their minds yet again, my theatre will absolutely play it.”

When asked what he thought about the fact that  Sony was essentially giving in to demands of bullies, Lorde said he’s not surprised. “It’s just a giant kick in the balls, both to potential viewers, and to little theatres like me who need that business,” said Lorde. “Looks like the terrorists really have won, because instead of The Interview, a movie people actually wanted to see, I’ll be stuck playing Annie, a movie no one even asked for. I hate Hollywood.”

Facebook Urges Users To ‘Quit Bitching’ About Privacy Policies

SILICON VALLEY, California – Facebook Urges Users To 'Quit Their Bitching' About Privacy Policies

A disgruntled mediator of the Facebook Products & Services page finally cracked this morning, posting a status that was what he claimed everyone at the company has been thinking; “Stop bitching about our privacy settings. It’s not like you even pay for this service.”

“We slave over these new apps, services, and features to make staying in touch with friends and family easier and more enjoyable. We even give the individuals a chance to decide to what degree they would like to be Facebook-stalked. So, we collect some data. So what?” said the post, made earlier today.

Of the 167 million people who have liked the product service page, many immediately replied that they hated being required to get Facebook Messenger on their phones, stating the terms and conditions did not respect their privacy.

“Oh, you want more privacy? Didn’t think that was your first concern, seeing as how you blast your friends’ feeds with a play-by-play of a fight with your boyfriend, of the food you’re having for dinner, and the consistency of the shit you took this morning. This whole entire website is based on voyeurism. You post every one of your stupid thoughts and inane opinions, but you’re worried about what we’re doing with your information. Really?

One use replied “STOP GIVING OUR INFORMATION TO THE GOVERNMENT,” to which the unnamed Facebook employee commented, “Oh, shut the fuck up with your conspiracies – Do you think the feds really care to track your weed runs, anyway, loser? Are you that important? If you’re carrying a cell phone, the government can track you on their own without our help, anyway.”

Until it was taken down, the initial post got a hundreds of ‘Lmfao’ comments, as well as several people saying they would delete their accounts and move to other social media websites. Most of those had responses from other users asking ‘where in the hell’ they would go, as they correctly pointed out that Facebook is the only social media website that people care about. The post itself had just over 97,000 ‘likes.’

In an email announcement, Facebook representative Erin Slate said, “Facebook has terminated the posting employee from his position, and have also deactivated his person account. We recently sent out a notification to users to let everyone know we care about privacy concerns. Obviously, this one individual does not speak for the company as a whole, even if we did give him full access to our page, passwords, and servers. We appreciate positive user feedback, and always strive to improve satisfaction. All the changes we make are to make our users even happier. Please see our data policy for more details.”

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