HOLLYWOOD, California –
Hollywood has issued a surprising statement, informing of their intention to stop fighting piracy. Instead, they will embrace the means available, and release new movies directly to ThePirateBay (TPB), and other torrent or peer-to-peer networks. This move was not only unexpected, but un-thought of, according to experts in the industry.
“I can’t believe that everyone agreed to this,” said Bernie Ackerman. “ Seriously, to get people in Hollywood to agree on what to eat for lunch is hard enough.”
Richard Gansit explained some of the implications of the move.
“This drastic decision will impact the income of millions of individuals, as well as bring many big companies to the ground. The only beneficiaries I can think of are those too cheap to spend a few dollars on a movie ticket,” said Gansit. “Free media is the death of industries. Look at the music industry. Ever since tape dubbing became a thing, the sales of albums have dropped year over year. It’s insane.”
Production companies may be the hardest hit, seeing as features which previously would have been produced for the big screen, will now mostly be streaming or downloaded to home devices.
“They’ve ruined us,” said OneProduction’s Robert Milton. “They’ve destroyed our prospects, and in turn, the lives of our families, friends, and anyone unfortunate enough to be associated with us. I guess it’s par for the course with Hollywood executives, anyway.”
Reception from hackers was similarly negative. The general sentiment seems to be one of suspicion, that some money-making plan is behind it all.
“I can’t believe TBP’s agreed to this,” said one loyalist. “I always thought they worked for us, for the common man, but now it comes out that they’re just in it for the money. I don’t know what Hollywood has offered them, but it can’t be enough to justify selling their souls.”
The vast majority of the general public, however, were indifferent, with their stance being that nothing has changed.
“I’ve been downloading movies from piratebay for years now,” said Henry Morris. “I’ll continue doing that as long as there are good quality movies for me to grab. The fact that Hollywood will be releasing films directly to the site seems like a great idea – every movie will be a pristine copy, and I’ll never have to deal with a cam version where I can hear people coughing and talking in the theatre. I download movies to get away from that shit. But, whether it’s criminals uploading or Hollywood uploading, and whether someone else is making money, who cares? I’m still getting it for free, aren’t I?”