Barack Obama Goes Into Hiding After FBI Issues Arrest Warrant Over MASSIVE White House Scandal

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump has, along with the FBI, issued an arrest warrant for former President Barack Obama, after it was confirmed that he is involved in a high-profile scandal.

According to reports, Obama may have been illegally downloading movies while living in the White House.

“This kind of behavior is entirely disgusting, and even the President is not above the law when it comes to copyright infringement,” said President Trump in a statement. “We have confirmed that Obama may have used the White House wi-fi to download and stream movies and TV shows, illegally. We cannot let this rest. Piracy is NOT a victimless crime.”

The FBI says they attempted to serve the warrant, with plans to arrest Obama, but according to their reports, the former President has gone into hiding.

“We believe the he caught wind of our investigation, and has since run from his home, and is in hiding,” said FBI spokesman Dan Carthwright. “The government was able to locate Bin Laden in a cave, so we are confident that we will find Barack Obama. We know his movie and TV show tastes. Once a pirate, always a pirate. We are monitoring the entire internet in hopes of catching him red handed, wherever he may be.”

The report from the FBI states that Obama downloaded Orange is the New Black, Transformers, and Southside With You, which is a story about his life.

Hollywood Gives Up On Fighting Piracy, Plans To Release All Movies Directly To ThePirateBay

Hollywood Gives Up On Fighting Piracy, Plans To Release All Movies Directly To ThePirateBay

 

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Hollywood has issued a surprising statement, informing of their intention to stop fighting piracy. Instead, they will embrace the means available, and release new movies directly to ThePirateBay (TPB), and other torrent or peer-to-peer networks. This move was not only unexpected, but un-thought of, according to experts in the industry.

“I can’t believe that everyone agreed to this,” said Bernie Ackerman. “ Seriously, to get people in Hollywood to agree on what to eat for lunch is hard enough.”

Richard Gansit explained some of the implications of the move.

“This drastic decision will impact the income of millions of individuals, as well as bring many big companies to the ground. The only beneficiaries I can think of are those too cheap to spend a few dollars on a movie ticket,” said Gansit. “Free media is the death of industries. Look at the music industry. Ever since tape dubbing became a thing, the sales of albums have dropped year over year. It’s insane.”

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Production companies may be the hardest hit, seeing as features which previously would have been produced for the big screen, will now mostly be streaming or downloaded to home devices.

“They’ve ruined us,” said OneProduction’s Robert Milton. “They’ve destroyed our prospects, and in turn, the lives of our families, friends, and anyone unfortunate enough to be associated with us. I guess it’s par for the course with Hollywood executives, anyway.”

Reception from hackers was similarly negative. The general sentiment seems to be one of suspicion, that some money-making plan is behind it all.

“I can’t believe TBP’s agreed to this,” said one loyalist. “I always thought they worked for us, for the common man, but now it comes out that they’re just in it for the money. I don’t know what Hollywood has offered them, but it can’t be enough to justify selling their souls.”

The vast majority of the general public, however, were indifferent, with their stance being that nothing has changed.

“I’ve been downloading movies from piratebay for years now,” said Henry Morris. “I’ll continue doing that as long as there are good quality movies for me to grab. The fact that Hollywood will be releasing films directly to the site seems like a great idea – every movie will be a pristine copy, and I’ll never have to deal with a cam version where I can hear people coughing and talking in the theatre. I download movies to get away from that shit. But, whether it’s criminals uploading or Hollywood uploading, and whether someone else is making money, who cares? I’m still getting it for free, aren’t I?”

Netflix Files For Bankruptcy, Claims They Can’t Compete With Piracy ‘Industry’

LOS GATOS, California – Netflix Files For Bankruptcy, Claims They Can't Compete With Piracy 'Industry'

The company that almost single-handily took down Blockbuster and every Mom & Pop video store in the country is now on its way out the door as well. Netflix has announced that they have filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy, and will be shutting down most of their services by the end of the year. Having already mostly abandoned their original model of DVDs-By-Mail, the company says the amount of illegal downloads from peer-to-peer file sharing sites has put the final nail in the coffin for the once-powerhouse movie provider.

“When we started, this system was gold, but now people can get their content anywhere,” said Carl Kazaa, CEO of Netflix. “With the leak of The Expendables 3 a few weeks ago cutting massively into the profits of the film’s box office take, we realized that customers don’t care about 99% of the films we have streaming at all. They want new films, movies that aren’t even released to theatres yet. They can’t wait anymore. They just can’t wait. A subscriber will drop us the second they discover they can get a movie free from the bowels of the internet. Especially if it’s a film we don’t have available.”

The Expendables 3, the PG-13 action film starring Sylvester Stallone and Jason Statham, had a near-DVD quality copy of the movie leak to the internet almost a full month before the film hit theatres. The film has performed poorly at the box office in comparison to its previous films, and many studio insiders blame the leak, and illegal downloads and streams, for the poor ticket sales.

“We were charging such a low amount of money for our service, but spending hundreds of millions of dollars to get these old movies. I love films like Commando, The Stupids, and The Shaggy Dog, but people weren’t watching them,” said Netflix CFO Paul Bay. “We spent $40 million dollars to get the rights to stream all the Indiana Jones films, but people aren’t even watching those movies – and they’re classics! We should have just been a TV-streaming service. That’s where we make our money.”

Netflix had a small influx in subscribers after shows like House of Cards and Orange is the New Black caught people’s attention. The lower-budget, in-house productions made money for Netflix, because they weren’t having to buy the rights at a marked-up price from other companies.

“Sadly, even House of Cards is one of the most illegally downloaded shows on the internet right now,” said Kazaa. “If you search for ‘House of Cards+Torrent’ on Google, you get almost 3 million results. It’s sad that people would rather steal our content than just pay the $9.99 a month, but apparently that’s how it goes.”

The company plans to re-sell the streaming rights they have purchased to their films, with most contracts running out sometime in 2016, to other companies that offer similar services, including Hulu and Amazon.

“We are extremely excited to snag all of Netflix’s mediocre film and awesome TV content at a discounted rate,” said Tom Rent, marketing director at Amazon. “Piracy and illegal downloads haven’t hit us too hard, but again, we’re not a one-trick pony. We have all this media streaming, but we’re also the biggest online retailer on the planet, so we’re not hard-up for subscribers or anything.”

“With websites like ThePirateBay ‘releasing’ movies days, weeks, and occasionally months before they are available anywhere else, we just couldn’t keep competing,” said Kazaa. “It’s a sad truth. People want their content yesterday, and they can’t keep waiting for it. The binge-watching that we’ve created with shows has put people into a frenzy of ‘need it now,’ and they’ve proven that what they need isn’t necessarily something they want to pay for.”

 

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