UNKNOWN, Internet –
Last week, hacker group Anonymous posted a strange video on YouTube, giving lengthy admonitions to rapper Kanye West. The six minute clip showed a man in a Guy Fawkes mask – as is usual in appearances made by members of the group – talking about West’s childish rants about Beck, Kim Kardashian’s naked photos, and the bad example they’re setting for the nation’s children, as well as their own. Many were surprised that Anonymous chose to target West, but the hackers have managed to top their own unpredictability. Earlier today, a video was released targeting Taylor Swift, giving an in-depth critique of her dating choices.
“You go on too many dates, Taylor,” said the masked figure, in a digitally altered voice. “But it’s your taste in boys that gets to us. You dated a Jonas brother, for God’s sake. We need not comment on that one.
“Then you dated Taylor Lautner. Firstly, he has the same name as you. No respectable human being dates someone who shares their name. Secondly, he’s Taylor fucking Lautner. Thirdly, he looks like an alpaca. Forthly, he’s Taylor fucking Lautner.”
The clip did not stop there, choosing to go on to bash John Mayer, calling him “a pretentious douche”.
But it wasn’t all bad. They made special mention of Jake Gyllenhaal, who they hailed as the best decision of her life, and lamented their break-up.
“Jake is something special. You showed wisdom in selecting him, proving to us that you do have at least some taste. Yes, he broke up with you via text, which was pretty shit of him, but, as you yourself say, your exes ‘will tell you I’m insane’.
“You effectively canceled out the merit you won by dating Jake, when you decided to couple with Harry Styles. He’s like twelve years old. He has stupid hairstyles. He looks like a lesbian. And he’s a member of One Direction. Now, we like One Direction as much as the next person, but would never be so shortsighted as to think a relationship with one of those guys could actually be healthy and positive. For God’s sake Taylor – you really have to up your game!”
Anonymous are expected to go after Adam Sandler next, explaining why all of his movies are a crime against moviegoers everywhere.