Crips Gang Initiates First White, Suburban Teen

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LOS ANGELES, California –

The Los Angeles-based gang the Crips have taken steps to broaden their membership by adding to their roster the first white, suburban teenager to their ranks.

The teen, 17-year-old Stewart Smith, says that he is “extremely happy” to have been allowed to join the gang, and that he thinks it’s super progressive of them to let him in.

“The great thing is that I am able to go where my fellow gang members cannot,” said Smith. “For example, I am allowed to go to movie theatres, sporting events, and quiet, suburban neighborhoods without being looked at twice. It makes it a lot easier to commit crimes, because I’m white, and as all pigs know, it’s the blacks that commit the crimes.”

Smith says he’s also extremely excited that he can carry a gun, and no one will hassle him.

“In California, you can carry a gun, legally, at age 16, so no one even thinks anything of it,” said Smith. “If I was a black teen, then I’d have been shot ages ago. White privilege is a real thing, and I have to say, it’s really fucking great, too.”

PETA To Be Added To FBI Watch List Of Gangs, Hate Groups

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Following in the footsteps of the Bloods, The Cripps, and Juggalos, the animal rights group PETA has officially been added to the gang watch list at the FBI. According to a Bureau spokesperson, the PETA agency has been on their radar for years as a potential hate group, but it was only recently that it was decided they should be added officially.

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“If we are going to consider a group like the Juggalos a gang, then we have to have PETA members be a part of this as well,” said FBI spokesperson Denise Johnson. “PETA are more violent, more dangerous, and full of more lies and deceit than nearly any other gang we deal with. Whereas the Bloods may be violent in the open, PETA are a group of seriously deranged individuals who will stop at nothing to fight for their cause, breaking whatever laws and spouting whatever lies they need to in order to gain supporters.”

The FBI claims that over the years, PETA has been responsible for violent and hateful acts, including riots, protests, physical assaults, and at least 2 deaths.

“The group, known to the public, mostly, as a group campaigning for animal rights, have long been know to have resorted to hypocritical, and often evil, methods of operation,” said Johnson. “From here on out, they will be watched very closely.”

The FBI says that PETA members will no longer be able to congregate in groups over 3, and that they must refrain from using their cause as a way of approaching civilians on the street.

Taylor Swift Incites New Feud Between Rival Gangs Crips, Bloods

Taylor Swift Incites New Feud Between Rival Gangs Crips, Bloods

 

NASHVILLE, Tennessee – 

A long list of Taylor Swift’s ex-lovers has been leaked onto the internet, inciting renewed fighting between rival West Coast gangs, the Bloods and Crips. The tally included high percentages from the combined 60,000 members of both gangs, and as such, each gang considers Taylor to be their ‘territory’. Immense revenge attacks are being waged, leading to concerns over deaths of innocent bystanders.

“Lots of gang members from both sides, all of whom allegedly slept with Swift at some point, have been killed,” reported eyewitness news correspondent, Lisa Mcintosh. “The numbers of civilian deaths is not as yet known, but many people are speculating that the number could be in the triple digits.”

Unsubstantiated rumors suggest that celebrities who have been involved with the “Blank Space” singer have found asylum in police safehouses until the hostilities die down. Professional fame-by-association junkie, Harold Horvath, told reporters that his own evidence suggests this to be true.

“I’ve had no sightings of John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal, Joe Jonas, Harry Styles, or Cory Monteith in days,” he explained. “Neither have any of my vast network installed in popular celebrity restaurants, outside their houses, or even at Victoria Secrets fashion shows.”

Taylor Swift released a statement in response to the bloodshed. It read, “I am shocked and horrified of the war being waged on my account. However, I refuse to harbor the blame.”

Friends of the singer agreed that she’s doing really well to shake it off.

“You can’t blame her for who she sleeps with,” said Claire Kowakian. “Except for Taylor Lautner. She has no excuse for that one. I mean, who wants to sleep with someone who shares the same first name? When he’s crying out your name in bed, how can you be sure he’s not just super vain? I’m just glad that all this ex-lover stuff might actually give her useable fodder for a new hit song.”

Members of both the Crips and Bloods have independently stated that the feud could soon be over as, “everyone seems united in the belief that Taylor is insane.”

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