COMPTON, California –
La’La Brown, 20, shocked doctors last week when she gave birth to a full-grown man. Brown’s son, Ja’ma-al, was born at 63″ and weighed 192 pounds. He came out with a full head of hair, a do-rag, and a pistol.
“Giving birth to a full-grown man was hard enough, but to learn that he came out flying different colors, that’s going to be the hardest thing to deal with,” said Brown, who is part of the 3rd Street Mafia, a local gang. Her son is apparently already an active member in the Kobras, a rival gang. “I honestly don’t know whether I should love him, or shoot him.”
Doctors say that Brown had, for some reason, had a gestational period that was about 4 times as long as a normal woman, and that her baby grew about 15 times the normal size.
“I’ve never seen anything like it, to be honest,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Compton Central Hospital. “It’s really and truly a first for the medical community.”
“Look, most important thing is that I still get my food stamps and the welfare check for this baby,” said Brown. “It don’t matter none that he’s a man. He still just came out my hoo-ha and I get another 18 years before this baby stops earning me a check.”
LOS ANGELES, California –
The Los Angeles-based gang the Crips have taken steps to broaden their membership by adding to their roster the first white, suburban teenager to their ranks.
The teen, 17-year-old Stewart Smith, says that he is “extremely happy” to have been allowed to join the gang, and that he thinks it’s super progressive of them to let him in.
“The great thing is that I am able to go where my fellow gang members cannot,” said Smith. “For example, I am allowed to go to movie theatres, sporting events, and quiet, suburban neighborhoods without being looked at twice. It makes it a lot easier to commit crimes, because I’m white, and as all pigs know, it’s the blacks that commit the crimes.”
Smith says he’s also extremely excited that he can carry a gun, and no one will hassle him.
“In California, you can carry a gun, legally, at age 16, so no one even thinks anything of it,” said Smith. “If I was a black teen, then I’d have been shot ages ago. White privilege is a real thing, and I have to say, it’s really fucking great, too.”
DENVER, Colorado –
Two gang members were shot and one stabbed at a motorcycle convention being held at the National Wester Complex in Denver, Colorado this week. Police spokesman Sonny Jackson says a total of nine people were sent to hospitals with injuries, and there were many other men with minor injuries. One of the men died of his gunshot wounds after being admitted to a local hospital.
A bystander, whose identity was not released, says a fight took place between rival biker gangs. At this time, no arrests have been made.
The Colorado Motorcycle Expo Facebook page said this will not stop the event coming up next Sunday. Promoter Tracy Wesson says if they can keep it to only one dead and a mere nine injured, it will be more successful than last year. “There’s a lot of testosterone flying when you get these motorcycle clubs together. I try to make sure there are enough broads around to relieve some of the tensions, but there are bound to be fights. So far, we are doing a lot better than we did last year.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Following in the footsteps of the Bloods, The Cripps, and Juggalos, the animal rights group PETA has officially been added to the gang watch list at the FBI. According to a Bureau spokesperson, the PETA agency has been on their radar for years as a potential hate group, but it was only recently that it was decided they should be added officially.
“If we are going to consider a group like the Juggalos a gang, then we have to have PETA members be a part of this as well,” said FBI spokesperson Denise Johnson. “PETA are more violent, more dangerous, and full of more lies and deceit than nearly any other gang we deal with. Whereas the Bloods may be violent in the open, PETA are a group of seriously deranged individuals who will stop at nothing to fight for their cause, breaking whatever laws and spouting whatever lies they need to in order to gain supporters.”
The FBI claims that over the years, PETA has been responsible for violent and hateful acts, including riots, protests, physical assaults, and at least 2 deaths.
“The group, known to the public, mostly, as a group campaigning for animal rights, have long been know to have resorted to hypocritical, and often evil, methods of operation,” said Johnson. “From here on out, they will be watched very closely.”
The FBI says that PETA members will no longer be able to congregate in groups over 3, and that they must refrain from using their cause as a way of approaching civilians on the street.