Beyoncé and Jay-Z Announce Birth of Sextuplets

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LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Singer Beyoncé and her husband, entertainment mogul Jay-Z, officially announced the birth of their children yesterday, surprising the world by releasing a photo of sextuplets.

“We are extremely happy to welcome to the family our SIX NEW BABIES!” said Beyoncé in an instagram post, accompanied by a picture of the little ones, which she said are all happy and healthy. “We are so #blessed.”

The names of the children have not been released, but Jay-Z said in a social media post that all the babies and mom are “doing great.”

Woman Gives Birth 7 Years After Having Sex

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BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A modern medical marvel has occurred in Massachusetts this week, after a woman gave birth to a healthy, 7lb 4oz baby boy. The marvel, you ask? The woman, 28-year-old Maria Piers, has not had sex in 7 years.

“I know this sounds extremely strange, but I know the precise moment that I last had sex, and that’s because it was, for all intents and purposes, a rape,” said Piers.

According to police reports from the time, Piers filed charges against a man named Robert Smalls, who she says would not stop having sex with her after she told him to stop.

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“I did tell him it was okay, but I didn’t like it. He wasn’t gentle, and it hurt. I told him to stop and get off me, but he just laughed, and staid he wasn’t going to stop until he was done,” said Piers. “And he didn’t.”

Smalls was arrested and given 4 years for aggravated sexual assault, but Piers is terrified that now she’s going to have to deal with him again.

“He’s obviously the dad,” said Piers. “I don’t know how this happened, I really don’t. But I’m absolutely sure that I haven’t had sex. I haven’t even kissed a man since that night. This is both exciting and extremely terrifying for me.”

Doctors say they are at a loss for how this happened, but they could confirm that the baby, who Piers has named James, had a gestation period of about 360 weeks. She has been asked to stay in the hospital for continued testing and observation.

Hood Rat Gives Birth To Full-Grown, Adult Gangbanger

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COMPTON, California – 

La’La Brown, 20, shocked doctors last week when she gave birth to a full-grown man. Brown’s son, Ja’ma-al, was born at 63″ and weighed 192 pounds. He came out with a full head of hair, a do-rag, and a pistol.

“Giving birth to a full-grown man was hard enough, but to learn that he came out flying different colors, that’s going to be the hardest thing to deal with,” said Brown, who is part of the 3rd Street Mafia, a local gang. Her son is apparently already an active member in the Kobras, a rival gang. “I honestly don’t know whether I should love him, or shoot him.”

Doctors say that Brown had, for some reason, had a gestational period that was about 4 times as long as a normal woman, and that her baby grew about 15 times the normal size.

“I’ve never seen anything like it, to be honest,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Compton Central Hospital. “It’s really and truly a first for the medical community.”

“Look, most important thing is that I still get my food stamps and the welfare check for this baby,” said Brown. “It don’t matter none that he’s a man. He still just came out my hoo-ha and I get another 18 years before this baby stops earning me a check.”

Woman Gives Birth To Puppies After Admitting To Sex With Family Dog

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PROVO, Utah – 

Samantha Kedder, 24, has reportedly given birth to a litter of German Shepherd puppies after being hospitalized with severe stomach pains. Doctors were surprised to see Kedder go into labor, as she didn’t know she was pregnant.

“It was even more of a shock when three tiny puppies came out instead of a baby,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Provo Medical Center. “To be honest, we didn’t know this was possible. It’s both a marvel of modern medicine and extremely disturbing at the same time.”

Kedder admits that while she was recently living at home, she would often have sex with the family dog, Jonsey, because she couldn’t find a date.

“I didn’t know anyone in town. My parents moved to a new place, I lost my job, and had to move back home,” said Kedder. “I didn’t have time to meet any new guys while I was applying for jobs, so I would sometimes have sex with Jonsey. I don’t think it was wrong. He’s a big dog, and he wasn’t hurt by it. In fact, he really seemed to like it. I know I did.”

According to Dr. Brown, Kedder’s birth is the first on record for an inter-species relationship.

“This opens up a lot of doors in science and medicine that we thought were closed,” said Dr. Brown. “The fact that her eggs were able to be implanted by canine sperm, it’s just, well it’s just amazing. Still really, really gross, but definitely amazing.”

Woman Gives Birth To Baby Born 36 Weeks Late

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Selena Myers, 38, gave birth to a happy, healthy, 18 pound baby yesterday afternoon at an Atlanta hospital. The child, which clocks in at one of the heaviest ever delivered, was also an astounding 36 weeks late.

“It was very odd, because normally, you’re only pregnant for about 39 or 40 weeks,” said Myers’ midwife, Donna Landers. “Selena was not even closing to being to term at 40 weeks. In fact, she gestated extremely slowly. Her baby was almost 9 months late.”

Doctors are unsure how it is the Myers was able to carry her baby for the extra length of time, or why her body did not grow the child at a “proper rate,” but so far, all signs point to a healthy baby.

“During the pregnancy, I’d go in for my checkups, and they thought that maybe the baby would just be a little smaller than normal,” said Myers. “After a while, though, we realized that it was still going to be the size of a gummy bear when I gave birth, if I did so at the 9 month mark. In the end, I was closer to the 19th month.”

Myers has said that she is naming her baby Miracle Sparkle Myers.

Idaho Becomes First State To Make Having Babies Out Of Wedlock A Crime

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BOISE, Idaho – 

Idaho lawmakers have become the first in the nation to make having a baby out of wedlock a crime, punishable by fines and jail time.

According to state representative Richard Marques, the bill was passed after a 25-2 vote, wherein any couple who becomes pregnant and delivers their baby before they are legally married could face penalties of up to $20,000 per child. Couples with twins, triplets, or more would be subject to that fine per child. Subsequent offenses could also mean arrest and prosecution.

“We want people to have babies. No one is saying that couple should not have children,” said representative Marques. “But, we do want those couples to be married, too. To provide a stable, loving home for the child. Everyone knows that babies born to unwed couples are more likely to later become criminals, drug-dealers, and rapists. We are just trying to slow those numbers down.”

When asked about how this would effect the levels of abortions in the state, Marques said that he didn’t think it would change anything.

“The amount of whores out there having abortions will stay the same, and the amount of precious, beautiful women who want to have babies will stay the same. The difference now, is, that the latter will be married women, and the former will still be whores,” said Marques. “I know I’d rather my daughter be married than be a harlot.”

Marques continued, saying that the law would apply to anyone – including women who were raped.

“We can’t prove they were raped. No one can. Maybe they got knocked up at a party, and they cried rape later. Happens every day. In fact, that happens more than actual rape,” said Marques. “Now, the woman who wants to keep her ‘rape baby’ will just either have to marry her alleged rapist, or she will have to find some other man to marry quickly. It will all work out.”

Marques says the law goes into effect on January 1st. Women who are currently pregnant and due after that date, but who are currently unmarried, will have to be wed before the law goes into effect, or risk fines.

World’s Oldest Woman Gives Birth At 119-Years-Old

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JAMAICA PLAIN, Massachusetts – 

Mrs. Josephine Smith, who officially turned 119-years-old on August 3rd, is the oldest woman in the world. Mrs. Smith, who attributes her longevity to Good ‘N’ Plenty Candy and regular bikini waxes, has something more to celebrate this year than just becoming a world record holder. This year, Mrs. Smith has actually become a dual-world record holder, as just two weeks after her birthday, she has given birth to a healthy baby boy.

“It was definitely the candies that helped me lived this long, but God knows what kept my uterus fertile all these years,” said Mrs. Smith. “It might have been all the pickles I ate in my teen years, or it might have been the fried chicken dinners my late husband made for my every Friday evening, without fail, for 62 years. I’m not really sure. Either way, I am so delighted to have given birth to my new son, Reginald.”

Mrs. Smith, who already has 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 16 great grandchildren, and 4 great-great grandchildren, is still very excited to welcome another bundle of joy into her life.

“I can’t hold him or anything, because of my brittle, arthritic hands, and I’ve already forgotten to feed him a few times because my mind isn’t what it used to be, but it’s very exciting.”

The father, 22-year-old Ricky Tedesco, said he was very excited to be a new dad.

“I’ve been in love with Mrs. Smith ever since I started mowing her lawn when I was 11,” said Tedesco. “It wasn’t until I was 19 that we began a romantic relationship. I went from mowing her lawn to plowing her field, if you know what I mean. She’s excellent in bed, too, given her age. Did you know she once gave a reach-around to Fatty Arbuckle? She’s been around for ages! It’s so crazy to think that she is the mother of my child. I’m so happy.”

The couple will reportedly live separately, as Mrs. Smith currently resides in the Shady Pines Nursing Home in Jamaica Plain, and Tedesco still lives in his family’s basement.

Woman Gives Birth, Confuses Doctors By Asking For Maternity Test

BILOXI, Mississippi – http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1301903/thumbs/r-174342530-large570.jpg?6

A Biloxi woman gave birth to a baby boy late Friday evening, and confused doctors by immediately asking for a maternity test. Sarah Keller, 26, said that she didn’t believe that she was the mother of the baby, and wanted a maternity test to prove that she wasn’t.

“My boyfriend and I always use condoms, or he pulls out. There’s no way that I’m the mother.” said Keller. “I thought that Joe had been cheating on me, and now I can get all the proof I need.”

Keller said that her boyfriend, Joe Camden, also 26, and her had been together for 4 years and had never even had a pregnancy scare before she found out she was pregnant last November. When she got the news, Keller said she became  enraged, and told Camden that she knew he had been sleeping around.

“I don’t know why she thinks I’ve been cheatin’.” Said Camden. “I’ve been as faithful to her as eggs are to chickens.”

Through an odd series of events, testing done by the hospital actually showed that Camden was not the father of the baby. When the hospital told her the news, Keller seemed confused.

“That’s not possible. He’s definitely the father.” Said Keller. “I screwed around with a few guys when Joe and I was on a little ‘break’ we took last year. But them guys weren’t my boyfriends, so they couldn’t have gotten me pregnant.”

Doctors calmly explained to Keller how reproduction worked, and that it was impossible that she wasn’t the mother. They then immediately contacted the Mississippi State Child Welfare Department. They also reached out to eight men who Keller reluctantly named as the ones she had been with while temporarily separated from Camden. They hope to discover true paternity in the next few weeks.

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