World’s Oldest Woman Gives Birth At 119-Years-Old

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JAMAICA PLAIN, Massachusetts – 

Mrs. Josephine Smith, who officially turned 119-years-old on August 3rd, is the oldest woman in the world. Mrs. Smith, who attributes her longevity to Good ‘N’ Plenty Candy and regular bikini waxes, has something more to celebrate this year than just becoming a world record holder. This year, Mrs. Smith has actually become a dual-world record holder, as just two weeks after her birthday, she has given birth to a healthy baby boy.

“It was definitely the candies that helped me lived this long, but God knows what kept my uterus fertile all these years,” said Mrs. Smith. “It might have been all the pickles I ate in my teen years, or it might have been the fried chicken dinners my late husband made for my every Friday evening, without fail, for 62 years. I’m not really sure. Either way, I am so delighted to have given birth to my new son, Reginald.”

Mrs. Smith, who already has 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 16 great grandchildren, and 4 great-great grandchildren, is still very excited to welcome another bundle of joy into her life.

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“I can’t hold him or anything, because of my brittle, arthritic hands, and I’ve already forgotten to feed him a few times because my mind isn’t what it used to be, but it’s very exciting.”

The father, 22-year-old Ricky Tedesco, said he was very excited to be a new dad.

“I’ve been in love with Mrs. Smith ever since I started mowing her lawn when I was 11,” said Tedesco. “It wasn’t until I was 19 that we began a romantic relationship. I went from mowing her lawn to plowing her field, if you know what I mean. She’s excellent in bed, too, given her age. Did you know she once gave a reach-around to Fatty Arbuckle? She’s been around for ages! It’s so crazy to think that she is the mother of my child. I’m so happy.”

The couple will reportedly live separately, as Mrs. Smith currently resides in the Shady Pines Nursing Home in Jamaica Plain, and Tedesco still lives in his family’s basement.

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