WAYNE, New Jersey –
Last week, a Florida mother petitioned big box retailer Toys ‘R’ Us to remove a line of action figures based around popular TV show Breaking Bad. The Fort Myers, Florida mother, Susan Schrivjer, started a petition on the website change.org, encouraging people to sign, hoping to get the retailer to remove the toys that she deemed were inappropriate for children.
This morning, Toys ‘R’ Us announced that, unbelievably, Schrivjer has won her battle, and the company will be removing the toys from their shelves immediately. “Let’s just say, the action figures have taken an indefinite sabbatical,” Toys R Us said in a written statement to the press. The retailer had maintained that the figures were sold in limited quantities in the adult-action-figure area of its stores, an area that every TRU store has.
Unfortunately, it looks as the retail giant will not stop with just the Breaking Bad figures, called out for their realism and adult-oriented accessories, including guns and bags of meth. Toys ‘R’ Us has officially announced that they will be pulling every toy from the shelves, lest anyone get offended.
“We know that to most people, toys, action figures, video games, and the like, are extremely mundane, and meant for fun – nothing to get offended over,” said Geoffrey Giraffe, the president of Toys ‘R’ Us. “There is that small sub-sect of people out there, though, that seek out things to be offended by, and then they start their complaints and their petitions, and it’s a media headache, and we just don’t want to deal with it, frankly.”
The company said that normally they’d be rushing to get the latest hot toys and games onto the shelves in preparation for a giant fourth-quarter and holiday season, but instead they are beginning to empty their shelves.
“Sadly, one bad egg has spoiled it for everyone. We deal with millions of customers a year, we want to make sure we listen to every single one of them. If even one is not happy, then we’re not doing our jobs. If they have a complaint, we put our tail between our legs and give in; that’s loyalty and customer dedication. Personally, I only wish we had the resolve of a company like Ben & Jerry’s,” said Giraffe, referencing that company’s announcement last week that they would not give into unnecessary and stupid customer complaint, and would continue use of the name of their ice cream ‘Hazed and Confused.’
“I think the mother who started the petition sounds like a meddling, obnoxious, do-gooder, pain in the ass,” said Robert Thomas, a customer of Toys ‘R’ Us. “I can’t believe that they’re pulling the figures. Seriously, they have Nightmare on Elm Street figures with Freddy Kruger who has knives for fingers. They have Barbies with unattainably-sized tiny hips and fat asses. They have creepy dolls that you feed and then they actually shit their diapers. Yet action figures, that no child should even be familiar with unless their parents let them watch the show in the first place, are offensive? Get a damn life, woman.”
“It’s a sad day for the world of toys and consumer choice, it really is,” said Giraffe. The company plans to remain open, despite not having any product to sell. “We may keep the candy, on the shelves, I suppose. I just hope we don’t offend any diabetics or anything.”