Carmelo Anthony Reportedly Overdoses On Medical-Grade Marijuana

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NEW YORK, New York – 

In 2004, Carmelo Anthony of the NBA’s New York Knicks was cited for trying to board a place with a bag of marijuana. Although Anthony claimed he was just “holding it for a friend” who had borrowed his bag, Anthony has apparently started dipping into that friend’s stash, as he was hospitalized on Friday evening with acute marijuana poisoning.

“Carmelo Anthony was admitted to the New York State General Hospital on Friday evening after reportedly smoking over a quarter of a pound of marijuana,” said hospital administrators. “This is the first instance of marijuana overdose in the world, and we are working diligently to make sure Mr. Anthony is comfortable.”

Doctors say that they are providing Anthony with plenty of fluids, including Monster Energy drinks, as well as foods to keep him stable, such as Bugles and Fritos.

“He’ll no doubt be on his feet again in no time,” said Anthony’s physician. “We do recommend, though, that he cut back on the amount of weed he smokes. That’s an awful lot to take in at one time.”

Lamar Odom Credits ‘Hookers, Cocaine’ For Saving His Marriage

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Lamar Odom, former LA Lakers basketball player, was rushed to a Los Vegas hospital last week after collapsing at one of Vegas’ many famous whorehouses. Reportedly spending almost $100,000 at the brother over several days, Odom collapsed after what doctors say was “too much cocaine” and “too many blowjobs.”

The silver lining for Odom, though, is that estranged wife, Khloe Kardashian, immediately rushed to his hospital bedside. According to anonymous sources at the hospital, she has yet to leave his side.

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“Khloe has been sitting right there by Lamar’s bedside, and was patiently waiting for him to wake up,” said a nurse who asked not to be named. “The minute his eyes opened, she started crying, and said she’d never leave him.”

Despite Odom still having a long way to go to full recovery, including surgery to repair his kidneys, which are currently non-functioning, as well as lung issues, he reportedly credits “hookers and blow” for saving his marriage.

“If I wasn’t out there, snorting huge lines of crank of some hooker’s fat dumper, I would have never landed in the hospital, and Khloe and I might have never spoken again,” said Odom. “I am so glad that she is here by my side. Hookers and blow saved my motherfucking marriage!”

Shaquille O’Neil Plans Return To NBA As Free Agent

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MOUNT DORA, Florida-

Fan favorite basketball player Shaquille O’Neil has announced that he will be returning to the NBA pending a deal with a team. Shaq says he will be returning to the league as a free agent, and hopes a team will sign him and give him the chance to play the game that he “has always loved and respected.”

Shaq made his way with his basketball skills, but his persona off the court is what people really loved about him. Friends say he was always goofing around with his teammates and reporters, and has landed several jobs both behind and in front of the camera because of it. According to his doctor, Shaq is ready to play again and, reportedly hasn’t felt this good about the sport since he first started.

“I just want to go out and win for my team, whoever it may be, that’s all I want to do. I’m in great shape and still feel that I can ball with the best of them, especially when I’m wearing my new Icy Hot Backpatch. I’d love to dunk on Kobe and LeBron – nothing feels better than that – except for when I put new Icy Hot Slow-Release Pain Reliever on my feet after a long day,” said Shaq.

At the moment, no teams seem interested in signing him, but reports claim he has gone to a few team practices. It is unclear if these visit were for business, or if Shaq was just hanging out with some old friends. O’Neil has reportedly requested a 10-year contract for $15 million per year, and claims “the phones will be ringing any moment now.”

LA Clippers Guard Chris Paul Ordered To Avoid Women for Three Months

LA Clippers Guard Chris Paul Ordered To Avoid Women for Three Months

 

LOS ANGELES, California – 

On February 6, Clipper’s guard Chris Paul noted his disdain for a referee after a game. Following his critique of the referee, the player was disciplined. Now, Paul is in hot water after expressing his anger at a female valet at a night club. The player has now been instructed to make zero contact with females for a minimum of 90 days.

The NBA issued a directive to Chris Paul and the Clippers, stating that the player was not allowed to make any form of contact with females. This included eye contact of any kind. The Clippers declined to comment on the issue, stating that the Players Association would be handling their response.

The NBA issued a statement on their own behalf.

“The National Basketball Association feels no obligation to stand by a player who decides to mistreat individuals based on color, creed, or gender. Mr. Paul has continuously violated the trust of the Association, as well as the good faith of the female fans. Thus, Mr. Paul will be instructed to avert his eyes from any and all females until the Association feels he can do so without negative incident.”

Chris Paul was not available for comment, but his attorney made it clear that the player would not take the ruling lying down.

“My client did not mistreat anyone based on anything but incompetence,” said Mori Silverman. “The referee was out of line in the initial incident, and handled the situation poorly. The valet ran my client’s car into a pillar. The damages were more than $15,000 in total. My client is allowed to vent is anger at any individual for such behavior. It should not matter if it is a man, woman, ostrich, or egg.”

Kobe Bryant Announces Retirement From NBA

Kobe Bryant Announces Retirement From NBA

LOS ANGELES, California –

Kobe Bryant has made an official announcement through his publicist, Michelle Conway, stating that he will retire after this basketball season, with plans to enroll in adult acting classes to pursue his dream of becoming a Hollywood star.

Conway said in the statement that Bryant has always loved playing basketball, but said that his lifetime dream is to be an actor. “Kobe wants all of his fans to know that he is very grateful for the overwhelming support he has received over the years, but he wishes to go after his lifetime goal of being an actor,” Conway announced. “He has awards and championship rings up the wazoo, but his dream is to place an Oscar on his mantle. He sincerely hopes that his fans will understand, and continue to support him by seeing any and all of his future films.”

Former teammate Shaquille O’Neal stated that Bryant always talked about being an actor after he finished his career in basketball.

“He was always talking about how he wanted to be an actor when he ‘grew up.’ I wish him the best, he was good at the game, but showbiz is a totally different beast,” O’Neal said. “I don’t expect him to have it as easy as I did, it just came natural to me, like basketball does, but like everything else, he will have to just do what he has always done and fake his way through it, aiming for that gold. He should be all right in flicks.”

Bryant’s former coach Phil Jackson said that he believes in Kobe. “If he just uses the tools he learned as a player and finds peace within himself, keeps his mind open, and forever trusts in Buddah, he shall never fail,” Jackson commented.

 

 

Lamar Odom Pawns 2010 NBA Championship Ring For $200, Never Returns To Pay On Loan

Lamar Odom Pawns 2010 NBA Championship Ring For $200, Never Returns To Pay On Loan

 

BURBANK, California –

Lamar Odom recently pawned his 2010 NBA championship ring to a pawnbroker in Burbank, California. Jeffrey Newman, who owns and operates ‘Effin Jeffin’s Pawn Shop’ began displaying the ring under his glass top counter, along with its price tag of $10,000.

Newman said that Odom himself walked in on a typical Wednesday afternoon in August, and wanted to pawn the ring for $200. “It was crazy. He just came in and said he wanted to pawn the ring and did not want to have to pay more than $250 to get it back. So we set it up so that he was given a $200 loan, and he never came back during the 90 day period, so I am officially the owner now,” Newman said.

Odom has been the center of controversy in the past couple of years after a rocky relationship with Khloe Kardashian, who he married in September of 2009. After months and months of rumors that Lamar was addicted to crack cocaine, Khloe divorced Odom in December of 2014. Many say his life spun out of control at that point. He signed a deal with a professional basketball team in Spain, where he averaged only one point per game. He quit after only two games played.

Newman says he really doesn’t want the ring to sell right away. “I put a tag of ten-grand on it because I think it won’t sell for that much, and it is a great conversation piece. I have had many people try to buy it for up to five grand though – and I just refuse to budge on that price.”

Asked whether or not he would allow Odom to buy the ring back, he said he would, but not for what it was pawned for. “I’d sell it back to him for $2,000 if he walked through that door right now. Not a penny less,” Newman replied.

 

Kevin Durant Accused of Being Illuminati By Teammates

OKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma – Kevin Durant Accused of Being Illuminati By Teammates

After a grueling loss to the Cleveland Cavaliers earlier in the week, the topic of conversation in the locker room of the Oklahoma City Thunder should be on the game. Instead, the only thing anyone is talking about is the high possibility of player Kevin Durant’s involvement with the Illuminati.

“There is definitely something up with that kid,” said head coach of the Thunder, Scott Brooks. “He used to be so incredibly nice. He was the most polite person ever. Once the Illuminati got their claws into him, though, things have turned around drastically. Kevin has the second most technical fouls in the league right now. I just don’t know what to do with him.”

The Illuminati was a secret society started in the late 1700s. At that point, it was designed to thwart government power and prejudices. Over time, though, the group changed, and they became less about stopping the powers-that-be from running the country and its people, and moved to become the group that ran the world.

“He’s making money. He’s not spending it. We haven’t seen him buy anything extravagant. He lives the life of a pauper outside of the stadium, and it’s frightening,” said a member of the team, speaking on the guise of anonymity. “The rest of us guys, we go out and blow money on whatever we want. I’ve got 16 cars in my garage. I’ve got mountains of girls in my bed. I’ve got it all, baby. Durant…man, Kevin…his money…He must be giving it all to those Illuminati peoples.”

Reportedly, Durant has been ostracized during pre-game warm ups and after game drills.

“They won’t help me out. They won’t pass me the ball in games. I can’t even get any of the guys to talk to me anymore. They think I’m some kind of freak,” said Durant, clearly frustrated with his team’s actions towards him. “I can honestly say that I am not in the Illuminati. I don’t even know who they are or what they’re about. Man, I’m 26 years old and I play pro ball. How much do you really think I know about the world? I only heard of the Illuminati the same way everyone else did – watching them movies with Tom Hanks.”

Well of course he said he’s not Illuminati,” said Brooks, when told about what Durant said. “Did you really think he was going to admit it? All I’m saying is…there are signs.”

Durant could not be reached for further comment. A spokesperson for the NBA, who wishes to remain anonymous, did say that the NBA has their suspicions, but are not currently taking any action at this time.

NBA Star Blake Griffin Pulls Drunk Driver From Moving Car

LOS ANGELES, California – NBA Star Blake Griffin Pulls Drunk Driver From Moving Car

LA Clippers superstar Blake Griffin is being called a hero today by basketball fans, drivers, pedestrians and members of Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD), after he was spotted pulling an apparently drunk driver from a moving vehicle in downtown Los Angeles.

“I was stuck in traffic, as usual,” said Griffin to local reporters who had gathered at his home, “and I noticed one car was moving. That caught my eye because the rest of us weren’t moving. I knew something was wrong.”

Wasting no time and demonstrating the quick response and agility that has made him one of the best players in the history of the NBA, the 6′ 10″ Griffin immediately sprang into action.

Leaping from the Kia sedan he had previously jumped over in 2011 to win the annual slam dunk contest, he pulled intoxicated driver Raymond Milland from his vehicle and immediately engaged the parking brake, bringing Milland’s car to a complete standstill to the cheers of hundreds of stranded drivers.

“It was a parking lot out there and I don’t deserve being called a hero,” said Griffin. “Anyone would have done the same, and I’d like to think if I was stuck in a moving car in LA, someone would do the same for me.”

Griffin attributes the incident to being in the right place at the right time. “I was open, I took the shot, it went in, no harm, no foul,” said the power forward. “I first knew something was wrong because my kneecap started tingling.” Griffin was referring to his left kneecap, which he broke during a pre-season game in 2009, causing him to miss the entire season.

“My kneecap’s kind of like my ‘spidey-sense.’ I can always tell when something’s wrong or it’s about to rain. We’re in a drought here in LA, so I figured something was wrong. The poor guy said he had been drinking all weekend and he looked kind of lost. I hope he gets the help he needs.”

Griffin returned to his car after police arrived. Milland was arrested and charged with DUI.

LeBron James’ 10-Year-Old Son Signed To Play Pro-Ball in Europe

RIGA, Latvia –  LeBron James’ 10-Year-Old Son Signed To Play Pro-Ball in Europe

LeBron James Jr., 10, has been signed by the Latvian National Basketball Association to a 2-year exclusive contract beginning in June, when the young phenom begins his 5th grade summer vacation.

Latvian President Andris Bērziņš made the joint announcement via Skype during a Saturday afternoon international press conference, while Foreign Minister Edgars Rinkevics offered his comments via translator.

“We are very happy to welcome this young sports prodigy, LeBron James, Jr., into our sports family and to our country, where he will add cultural significance, honor, and international legitimacy to our basketball program.”

James, Jr.’s transition will be helped greatly by Jerry Jackson, former McCaksey High School basketball star from Lancaster PA, now enjoying his seventh season overseas.  Said Jackson, “It will be good to have a young protégé to help train and develop. He’s got the raw talent and he looks good out there. I didn’t have that when I started, even though my teammates accepted me with open arms.”

James Jr. is already taller than 80% of the Latvian population, which will make him the recipient of instant attention when he does arrive in the Spring.

“Hopefully, he’ll get used to that,” said Jackson. “I know he’s been brought up to get along with people, but at his age, it’s a lot to handle.”

Latvia has its share of pre-teen groupies who flock to anything foreign. Everyone, it seems, wants to be American, or near anyone or anything that’s American.

“Gold diggers start earlier and earlier, you know,” said Jackson. “It’ll be my job to keep the pre-adolescent little shawties far away from little LeBron. He doesn’t need any of that when his mind should be on the game.”  At the age of 10, James, Jr. will need careful guidance and attention, especially in light of his father’s US schedule keeping him away.

“I’m really excited to go to Latvia,” said James Jr. “They are paying me way more than my dad paid me for taking out the trash and doing all my other stupid chores. Plus they’re giving me a car! I guess over there you can drive even without a license, ’cause it’s like backwards over there or something? Anyway, I’m real excited!”

Until the spring, James, Jr. is expected to live his 5th grade life just as any other 10-year old – as normally as can be expected that is, when your father is two-time NBA champ LeBron James, Sr.

 

 

 

 

 

LeBron James Says He Will Retire After Season, Regrets Signing With Cleveland Cavaliers

CLEVELAND, Ohio – LeBron James Says He Will Retire After Season, Regrets Signing With Cleveland Cavaliers

In a stunning developing story, NBA superstar LeBron James said in an interview with Bryant Gumbel this morning that this would be his last year playing basketball because of sore knees, combined with his regret of signing with the Cleveland Cavaliers.

James made the shocking announcement during this mornings taping of Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel. When asked what life after basketball may bring the basketball star, he said he wasn’t sure but would find out soon. Gumbel, with a puzzled looked then asked James what he meant by the statement.

“Well I got this thing with my knees going on, and coming back to Cleveland just isn’t what I thought it would be, so, I’ve decided that maybe this will be my last season,” ‘King’ James said. “I just turned thirty, which is ancient in this sport. I already have a hard time climbing out of bed in the morning. Then last week my son beat me in three straight games of one-on-one. I think it is safe to say you can put a fork in me.”

The Cleveland Cavaliers were expected to instantly be considered NBA title contenders this season, and those expectations are clearly unrealistic given the teams mediocre performance and poor chemistry among players and head coach David Blatt.

“I just should have put more thought into it before I signed, should have maybe spent another year in Miami. I kinda regret signing with Cleveland like I did, but now I’m stuck here,” a disappointed James stated.

James went on to say that he is doing what he said he had promised Cavalier fans. “I said when I signed that I would finish my career where I started, right here in Cleveland. I thought it would last a little longer, but my body just isn’t up to the task anymore to deal with playing for a team that probably will not be a title contender. I love it here, Cleveland is great, ya’ know? But when it’s time, its time. I will finish out the season playing the best I can, and give my fans all over the world the best show I can – but this is it. I am considering going into high school coaching, I’m just not sure yet.”

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