LA Clippers Guard Chris Paul Ordered To Avoid Women for Three Months

LA Clippers Guard Chris Paul Ordered To Avoid Women for Three Months


LOS ANGELES, California – 

On February 6, Clipper’s guard Chris Paul noted his disdain for a referee after a game. Following his critique of the referee, the player was disciplined. Now, Paul is in hot water after expressing his anger at a female valet at a night club. The player has now been instructed to make zero contact with females for a minimum of 90 days.

The NBA issued a directive to Chris Paul and the Clippers, stating that the player was not allowed to make any form of contact with females. This included eye contact of any kind. The Clippers declined to comment on the issue, stating that the Players Association would be handling their response.

The NBA issued a statement on their own behalf.

“The National Basketball Association feels no obligation to stand by a player who decides to mistreat individuals based on color, creed, or gender. Mr. Paul has continuously violated the trust of the Association, as well as the good faith of the female fans. Thus, Mr. Paul will be instructed to avert his eyes from any and all females until the Association feels he can do so without negative incident.”

Chris Paul was not available for comment, but his attorney made it clear that the player would not take the ruling lying down.

“My client did not mistreat anyone based on anything but incompetence,” said Mori Silverman. “The referee was out of line in the initial incident, and handled the situation poorly. The valet ran my client’s car into a pillar. The damages were more than $15,000 in total. My client is allowed to vent is anger at any individual for such behavior. It should not matter if it is a man, woman, ostrich, or egg.”

NBA Star Blake Griffin Pulls Drunk Driver From Moving Car

LOS ANGELES, California – NBA Star Blake Griffin Pulls Drunk Driver From Moving Car

LA Clippers superstar Blake Griffin is being called a hero today by basketball fans, drivers, pedestrians and members of Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD), after he was spotted pulling an apparently drunk driver from a moving vehicle in downtown Los Angeles.

“I was stuck in traffic, as usual,” said Griffin to local reporters who had gathered at his home, “and I noticed one car was moving. That caught my eye because the rest of us weren’t moving. I knew something was wrong.”

Wasting no time and demonstrating the quick response and agility that has made him one of the best players in the history of the NBA, the 6′ 10″ Griffin immediately sprang into action.

Leaping from the Kia sedan he had previously jumped over in 2011 to win the annual slam dunk contest, he pulled intoxicated driver Raymond Milland from his vehicle and immediately engaged the parking brake, bringing Milland’s car to a complete standstill to the cheers of hundreds of stranded drivers.

“It was a parking lot out there and I don’t deserve being called a hero,” said Griffin. “Anyone would have done the same, and I’d like to think if I was stuck in a moving car in LA, someone would do the same for me.”

Griffin attributes the incident to being in the right place at the right time. “I was open, I took the shot, it went in, no harm, no foul,” said the power forward. “I first knew something was wrong because my kneecap started tingling.” Griffin was referring to his left kneecap, which he broke during a pre-season game in 2009, causing him to miss the entire season.

“My kneecap’s kind of like my ‘spidey-sense.’ I can always tell when something’s wrong or it’s about to rain. We’re in a drought here in LA, so I figured something was wrong. The poor guy said he had been drinking all weekend and he looked kind of lost. I hope he gets the help he needs.”

Griffin returned to his car after police arrived. Milland was arrested and charged with DUI.

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