Massive Sunken Ship, Treasure Found Off Coast of Boston

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Remnants of an old, sunken pirate ship were found off the coast of Boston, Massachusetts yesterday by treasure hunters who had reportedly found documentation claiming that a ship had sunk there over 600 years ago.

“We really didn’t expect to find anything, at least not so quickly,” said Gary Richards, who headed the expedition. “We found materials that lead us to that area, claiming that a ship, The Black Death, was wrecked there in 1423. The ship was said to have been a legitimate pirate ship, and could possible have contained billions of dollars worth of gold.”

What Richards and his team found, though, was something entirely more amazing.

“We did find the gold, yes. There was an entire ship down there, almost preserved by the salt water, and we were able to dive down using specialized equipment to board it. What we found were hundreds of small ‘treasure chest’ style boxes, filled with everything from doubloons to bones.”

Richards says that they believe that the boxes filled with bones may have been the crew’s way of discarding the bodies of dead hookers.

“We found what amounts to about $3.7 billion dollars worth of treasure on this ship, which will be parted out to museums,” said Richards. “Sadly, the bones of the dead whores will be left, buried at sea, with the memories of some ill-fated nights, no doubt.”

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Lamar Odom, former LA Lakers basketball player, was rushed to a Los Vegas hospital last week after collapsing at one of Vegas’ many famous whorehouses. Reportedly spending almost $100,000 at the brother over several days, Odom collapsed after what doctors say was “too much cocaine” and “too many blowjobs.”

The silver lining for Odom, though, is that estranged wife, Khloe Kardashian, immediately rushed to his hospital bedside. According to anonymous sources at the hospital, she has yet to leave his side.

“Khloe has been sitting right there by Lamar’s bedside, and was patiently waiting for him to wake up,” said a nurse who asked not to be named. “The minute his eyes opened, she started crying, and said she’d never leave him.”

Despite Odom still having a long way to go to full recovery, including surgery to repair his kidneys, which are currently non-functioning, as well as lung issues, he reportedly credits “hookers and blow” for saving his marriage.

“If I wasn’t out there, snorting huge lines of crank of some hooker’s fat dumper, I would have never landed in the hospital, and Khloe and I might have never spoken again,” said Odom. “I am so glad that she is here by my side. Hookers and blow saved my motherfucking marriage!”