Coca-Cola Recalls Thousands of Dasani Waters After Clear Parasite Found In Bottles

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From Now 8 News:

If you purchase/drink Dasani water you might want to listen up. There has been a major recall by the Coca-Cola company today after several thousand bottles of their drinking water was found to be contaminated with a parasite. It has sent several hundred people to the hospital and is responsible for parasitic symptoms such as fever, rash, vomiting and stomach bloating.

This comes on the heels of a recent report in which Coca-Cola admitted that Dasani is really just“purified” tap water. The corporation admitted in January that their water brand was just purified tap water dressed in a fancy looking bottle. Like many other bottled waters, Dasani is sold at a premium price, and many people perceive it to be superior to tap water – even though it actually is just tap water.

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Coca-Cola To Bring Back Original Recipe Soda Made With Cocaine

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

For years, Coca-Cola has been the only company in the world with government licensing to import the coca plant, the same one used in making cocaine, for use in their products. The company literally “de-cocanizies” the plants, and uses natural extracts of them to create the “natural flavors” of the soda. All that changes, though, next month, when Coca-Cola brings back their original recipe, which no longer takes the cocaine out of the coca plant.

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“Back in the day, the original recipe for Coca-Cola called for actual cocaine extract, as it was a medicine and not a drink,” said company CEO Reed Sterling. “We plan to bring back that original recipe, and market it as a beverage. In this day and age, kids are looking for the next hot, new beverage. We believe Original Coca-Cola will be that drink.”

Sterling says that the normal price of the beverage, which is approximately $2 on average for a 2-liter, will, of course, drastically increase.

“Unfortunately, with these awesome changes we’re making, a market increase will naturally have to occur,” said Sterling. “The current average price of $2 will be closer to $30 based on the amount of cocaine we will be using per batch, per bottle, but we really feel that our consumers will enjoy the taste of what we’re calling Coca-Caineola.”

The new beverage is expected to hit shelves next month, in direct competition with PepsiCo’s new Pepsi 1893, which is made with real kola extract and natural sugars.

Doctors Advise Drinking Coca-Cola Can Help To Cure Diabetes

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

A recent study by a team of medical professionals hired by the Coca-Cola company reportedly proves that drinking the soda in large amounts can effectively cure diabetes in people who suffer from the disease.

“The way that Coca-Cola is made, we found that is has extremely high levels of sugar, and normally that would be bad,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, one of the lead researchers hired by the company. “But, what happens when you drink extreme amounts of Coca-Cola is that your body almost ‘forgets’ that it is drinking sugar. If you drink nothing but Coca-Cola and Coca-Cola products, eventually your body gets used to it, and believes, essentially, that you are drinking water.”

Brown says they studied 500 people with diabetes, and put them on a strict diet of nothing but Coca-Cola.

“I have been drinking nothing but Coke for over a year now,” said test subject Jamal Jenkins. “I feel mostly okay. I don’t move to good, since they removed my feet awhile back, but otherwise, I’m pretty decent. I’m also stoked that I have a lifetime supply of Coke thanks to being a part of this project. I do love me some soda. Can’t beat the real thing.”

Brown states that of the 500 people who had diabetes at the start of the research program, 132 of them had since died, and the rest still had diabetes.

“We’re counting those deaths in the ‘win’ column,” said Brown. “Those people definitely don’t have diabetes anymore.”

Lamar Odom Credits ‘Hookers, Cocaine’ For Saving His Marriage

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Lamar Odom, former LA Lakers basketball player, was rushed to a Los Vegas hospital last week after collapsing at one of Vegas’ many famous whorehouses. Reportedly spending almost $100,000 at the brother over several days, Odom collapsed after what doctors say was “too much cocaine” and “too many blowjobs.”

The silver lining for Odom, though, is that estranged wife, Khloe Kardashian, immediately rushed to his hospital bedside. According to anonymous sources at the hospital, she has yet to leave his side.

“Khloe has been sitting right there by Lamar’s bedside, and was patiently waiting for him to wake up,” said a nurse who asked not to be named. “The minute his eyes opened, she started crying, and said she’d never leave him.”

Despite Odom still having a long way to go to full recovery, including surgery to repair his kidneys, which are currently non-functioning, as well as lung issues, he reportedly credits “hookers and blow” for saving his marriage.

“If I wasn’t out there, snorting huge lines of crank of some hooker’s fat dumper, I would have never landed in the hospital, and Khloe and I might have never spoken again,” said Odom. “I am so glad that she is here by my side. Hookers and blow saved my motherfucking marriage!”

Coca-Cola To Release Clear Cola, ‘Diamond Coke’

Coca-Cola To Release Clear Cola, 'Diamond Coke'

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Coca-Cola officials have announced plans to release a new line of clear colas, dubbed Diamond Coke, after a craze in Europe has caused Pepsi to plan a relaunch of their Crystal Pepsi soda from the 80s.

“In the 80s, our largest competitor launched a clear cola, and frankly, it tasted like straight shit,” said Coke spokesman Charles DeMar. “We have created a perfect formula to launch Diamond Coke to the market with the exact same taste of regular Coca-Cola, but without all that black, brownish color. I can assure everyone that it tastes amazing.”

“Clearly naming their product Diamond Coke was a middle finger to Pepsi, and their ‘Crystal’ branding back in the day,” said frequent soda drinker Marvin Henry. “Frankly, I’m a Coke man through-and-through, so I will be buying plenty of Diamond as soon as it’s released. Diamonds are a guys best friend, now!”

Coca-Cola says that they plan to release their new Diamond sodas later this year. The soda will be available in original, cherry, and diet varieties.

In similar news, Coke says they are also looking to launch a dark version of their clear Sprite brand.

“We hope that Sprite Black takes off for us – all the great lemon-lime flavor of Sprite, but without all the pesky clearness!” said DeMar.

8 Texas Girls Scouts Arrested In Drug Trafficking Bust

DEL RIO, Texas – 8 Texas Girls Scouts Arrested In Drug Trafficking Bust

8 girl scouts have been arrested for delivering more than just addicting cookies to homes in Del Rio, Texas. The girls have been accused of working closely with a Mexican drug cartel, delivering cocaine door-to-door in cookie boxes. The names of the girls are being withheld due to their ages, ranging from 12 to 14.

“At this time, we are not sure how long the cartel has been using girl scouts,” said Del Rio Sheriff Wayne Walker. “The truth is, we stumbled on it accidentally when two of the girls delivered a box of cocaine to one of my deputies instead of dropping off the Samoas and Thin Mints he ordered.”

According to Walker, Deputy Johnson received a ¼ kilo of cocaine instead of the boxes of cookies he was expecting.

“We started surveillance of the girls immediately after, and made the bust when we were sure we had the major players. In total we apprehended 8 girl scouts, 6 customers, and one driver. We also recovered a van full of thin mints with each box containing ½ kilo of cocaine, with a total street value of approximately 20 million dollars, plus about $120 in cookies.”

I’m not sure why the Thin Mints delivered to my house only had a ¼ kilo instead of a ½ kilo of cocaine,” Deputy Johnson said via Skype while on vacation in Aruba. “It’s one of those mysteries we’ll never figure out I guess. The girls have lawyered up, and they’re not talking.”

Girl Scout Spokesperson Sally Smith says that you can’t blame the girls, and that they are just doing their best.

“These girls were obvious troubled youths. The Girl Scouts of America pride themselves of turning troubled girls around to a righteous path, but unfortunately we can’t help everyone,” said Smith. “With the knowledge that these girls had been selling cocaine, though, we have decided to give them their ‘Big Earner’ merit badge, which goes to only the most tenacious girls who are definitely future entrepreneurs!”

 

 

Man Sets Fire To Restaurant After Ordering Pepsi, Receiving Coca-Cola

NORFOLK, Virginia – Man Sets Fire To Restaurant After Ordering Pepsi, Receiving Coca-Cola

Gary Bonner, 47, is under arrest this afternoon for charges of arson, after police say he set fire to a local restaurant after an altercation with a waitress over a drink order. According to police, Bonner has already admitted to setting the blaze.

Police reports say Bonner, who ate lunch at the Millstone Cafe every Friday afternoon, went in as normal yesterday around 3PM, but unfortunately for the restaurant employees and other patrons who were dining, something about the Cafe had changed.

“For the past 3 years or so, Mr. Bonner has been coming in here, and always orders the same thing: Turkey club on whole wheat with no mayo and an extra slice of cheese, and a large fountain Pepsi,” said Amy Fray, a server at the Cafe. “Unfortunately though, during this past week we had switched from Pepsi to Coca-Cola, because they had cheaper syrup. Anyway, it didn’t even dawn on me that when Mr. Bonner ordered his Pepsi that I should have told him that’s not what we carried anymore, and that it would be a Coke instead.”

During the week, installers from Coca-Cola had come in and replaced all the equipment in the restaurant and provided their products, but the Cafe had not had a chance to remove Pepsi cola signs, or to amend the menus to show Coke products in place of Pepsi.

“So Mr. Bonner came in, and ordered his usual, and when I gave it to him, I had only walked away a couple of feet when I heard a kind of spraying noise,” said Fray. “I turned around, and he was spitting the soda out of his mouth, like he was choking on it. I asked him what was wrong, and he said ‘I ordered a Pepsi, damn it!’ I told him it was a Pepsi, only because I didn’t want to start a scene, but I agreed to grab him a fresh one. I told him maybe there was something wrong with the fountain and apologized. When I gave him the second drink, he immediately exploded in anger.”

Fray says that it was at that point she explained that they no longer served Pepsi products, and that she had forgotten to tell him when he ordered. Bonner then reportedly stood up, violently flipped his table over, and stormed out of the restaurant. Minutes later, employees began smelling smoke, and the restaurant was evacuated for a fire. Within an hour, the entire restaurant had burned to the ground.

Bonner curiously stayed around the entire time as the restaurant was burning, later admitting that he had set the fire out of anger over receiving the wrong drink. He was immediately arrested for arson and reckless endangerment, as well as possible attempted murder charges, as he knew the restaurant was full when he set the blaze. Bonner said that although he is aware he may be spending many years in jail, he is planning a countersuit over the ‘false advertising’ of the Cafe.

“They still had their Pepsi signs everywhere, yet they gave me a Coke. Don’t they realize they could have killed me? They’ll be seeing me in court as soon as they’re done seeing me in court, if you know what I mean,” said Bonner. His trial date is still pending.

Coca-Cola Recalls 2 Million Bottles With The Name ‘Michael,’ The Reason Why Will Shock You

ATLANTA, Georgia – Coca-Cola Recalls 2 Million Bottles With The Name 'Michael,' The Reason Why Will Shock You

Coca-Cola spokesperson Gabriella Sanchez announced in an impromptu press conference this morning that the iconic cola company is urgently recalling all twenty-ounce size bottles of the drink with the name ‘Michael’ on them due to “compromising of ingredients”. She went on to say that several customers had returned their drinks to stores and/or called the Coca-Cola customer service hotline after noticing their personalized bottles, with the name ‘Michael’ on them, had an odd taste.

“Several calls began to come in on Friday afternoon with customers complaining that their bottles of cola had an odd taste, all of which were part of our ‘Share a Coke With…’ campaign, and had the name Michael on them.” Sanchez announced to the unassuming press. “Naturally, we immediately launched an investigation on the issue and after thorough lab testing we discovered that the ingredients of a particular series of batches were compromised. Our investigation and research found a disgruntled employee, who is not being named due to criminal investigation,  had been adding literal top soil – dirt – into her batches. If consumed, these bottles of cola are not necessarily considered dangerous so there is not cause for panic, but of course we do not want our very loyal and longtime Coke lovers ingesting this foul-tasting soda.”

Sources close to the situation, which requested to remain anonymous, leaked the story to a reporter about the case as early as Sunday morning, saying that a female employee, who was claiming sexual harassment by her supervisor, who just happened to be named ‘Michael,’ had ‘spiked large batches of the drink with top soil she had been bringing to work,’ via her purse.  She did so after discovering that all batches she was put in charge of would be added to two-million 20-ounce bottles which would be labeled “Share a Coke with…Michael.”

Coca-Cola said that the unidentified employee had filed harassment documentation against the supervisor, whose name is also being withheld due to the ongoing criminal investigation, and told co-workers that her complaint had been ignored. Another Coca-Cola employee, also female, stated anonymously that the women in the Atlanta, Georgia bottling plant ‘are treated like objects on a regular basis.’

“The young woman who had contaminated the drinks, in my opinion, deserves to be fired and face criminal charges, even though she was wrongfully driven to commit the act,” said the employee. “The people, the customers, do not deserve to drink dirt, that was absurd. That being said, we should be thankful it wasn’t something more dangerous she put into the bottles.”

“We encourage all who have the ‘Michael’ bottles to call our customer service hotline immediately. Do not throw the bottles away, you will be asked for the bar code number, your name, address, the store where you purchased the items, and we’ll also ask that you mail us back, at your cost, the remaining soda in the bottle. We will be refunding your purchase price via gift certificate, which can be redeemed anywhere Coca-Cola is sold, as long as that store does not also sell Pepsi. We apologize to all who have been affected by this inconvenience, and we want the world to know that this matter has been fully resolved. Increased security measures are already in place that will prevent any possibility of future attempts of corrupt, bitchy employee tampering.”

Sanchez added, “To those who have already drank the bottles of soda but didn’t notice there was dirt in it, do not worry. It is no worse than breathing dust on a hot, dry, American summer day while drinking a cold, crisp, refreshing Coca-Cola.”

 

George W. Bush Arrested for Cocaine Possession

DALLAS, Texas – George W Bush Arrested For Cocaine Possession

One of the most notorious Presidents in history of The United States of America is back in the spotlight, but not because of his politics. George W. Bush was arrested in a Dallas suburb late Tuesday evening after a routine traffic stop uncovered over an ounce of cocaine in his glove compartment.

Dallas police say they pulled over Bush after he made a right turn without signaling. Officers report they were surprised when seeing it was the ex-president, but felt something was off about his behavior. They say Bush seemed under the influence of a narcotic, and the officers on-scene asked to search the car. Curiously, Bush consented, and police found the narcotics.

“We pulled over the truck and were about to write a simple traffic ticket and things escalated fast,” said officer Charles Cane, a veteran officer with the Dallas Police Department. “At first my partner and I were stunned with who was in the truck ,and [Bush] began to crack jokes and asked if we wanted to take a picture with him. I noticed he was sniffling quite a bit and the glaze on his eyes screamed that the was under the influence.”

Cane said that once the officers uncovered the cocaine, Bush tried to bribe them to keep from getting arrested. When that failed, he turned to threats and rambling, reportedly saying that he would ‘get the FBI to kick their a–‘ and that ‘Presidents can break any laws they want.’

“I broke so many laws when I was in office, and I didn’t see you coming to try to arrest me then!” Bush shouted at police officers. “I’ve been doing coke for decades! I used to blow lines out of a Skull & Bones in New Haven tittie bars when you were making nice in your diapers, kid. You just want your name in the papers next to mine.”

“It was a tough arrest to make, but I didn’t become a police officer to make easy decisions. He begged me over and over to let it slide, then he offered me money, then he called me an ass—-, but that is the way the law goes. We don’t offer special treatment to anyone in Dallas. I don’t care who you are.”

Representatives for Bush have yet to comment, but bail was set at $5,000 and posted immediately. Bush spent less than 6 hours in a holding cell before being released.

 

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