ATLANTA, Georgia –
Coca-Cola officials have announced plans to release a new line of clear colas, dubbed Diamond Coke, after a craze in Europe has caused Pepsi to plan a relaunch of their Crystal Pepsi soda from the 80s.
“In the 80s, our largest competitor launched a clear cola, and frankly, it tasted like straight shit,” said Coke spokesman Charles DeMar. “We have created a perfect formula to launch Diamond Coke to the market with the exact same taste of regular Coca-Cola, but without all that black, brownish color. I can assure everyone that it tastes amazing.”
“Clearly naming their product Diamond Coke was a middle finger to Pepsi, and their ‘Crystal’ branding back in the day,” said frequent soda drinker Marvin Henry. “Frankly, I’m a Coke man through-and-through, so I will be buying plenty of Diamond as soon as it’s released. Diamonds are a guys best friend, now!”
Coca-Cola says that they plan to release their new Diamond sodas later this year. The soda will be available in original, cherry, and diet varieties.
In similar news, Coke says they are also looking to launch a dark version of their clear Sprite brand.
“We hope that Sprite Black takes off for us – all the great lemon-lime flavor of Sprite, but without all the pesky clearness!” said DeMar.