New Confidential Report Reveals 9/11 Was An Accident, Not Terrorist Attack

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

New leaked documents that were retrieved by Anonymous hackers state that 9/11 was neither an inside job by the government nor a terrorist attack, but merely a coincidence of epic proportions. The text explains that multiple malfunctions caused two planes to crash into the Twin Towers in New York on September 11th, 2001, but that neither were hijacked or crashed on purpose.

“After through investigation, we have concluded that the planes that hit the World Trade Center at One World Plaza were both malfunctioning, and mechanical error is to blame,” stated the report, classified on September 14th, 2001. “[Named Redacted] has chosen to [redacted information] with the investigation, and that [redacted information] is the plan for release to public.”

Currently, the redacted information that was not in the reports is speculated to be discussing George W. Bush, and his decision to use the events to go to war in Iraq.

“It makes perfect sense that the government would take a terrible tragedy like that, and use it as a means to go to war for oil,” said Washington pundit Joe Goldsmith. “I mean, that’s exactly what happened anyway. It wouldn’t have mattered if it was pilot error, mechanical issues, or actual terrorists – our government used the crashes as an excuse for war; a war we’re still fighting, unnecessarily, 15 years later.”

Former President George W. Bush Diagnosed With Autism

Former President George W. Bush Diagnosed With Autism

AUSTIN, Texas – 

In news that has rocked the nation, and in particular the Republican Party, former President George W. Bush has been diagnosed with autism. After classified documents detailing Bush’s childhood and development were released to lead psychiatrists, researchers were unanimous in naming the much-dreaded disease as the source of all of his idiosyncrasies and poor decision making abilities.

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“I always suspected something of this kind,” said expert Chris Denio. “He is a very rigid, inflexible man. For example, his insistence on saying ‘nucular’ when he knew the term was ‘nuclear’. His oft-recognized kinship with [Russian President Vladimir] Putin, with whom there is definitely something… off. His weird relationship with [former British Prime Minister] Tony Blair – they did a lot of strange things together, like the time they created a blanket fort, but they hardly ever spoke. In fact, Bush hardly ever speaks unless he’s been told what to say.”

Current Iraqi President Fuad Masum expressed outrage at what he called the “arrogance of America. They allowed a man with a deep-seated disorder ruin our country! It’s just like when they allowed an actor to escalate the Cold War. I mean, an actor! To make decisions which could have led to the end of the world as we know it! Bloody Americans. Pfff.”

Friends and family of the politician rallied to his defence, while admitting that Bush truly is autistic.

“It’s not his fault,” said wife Laura. “Blame his parents. They gave him those vaccinations. Besides, he’s high functioning. And he has a wife who’s been behind all his decisions and actions, making sure he never did anything irreversible. Well, okay, war in Iraq was pretty irreversible, but other than that, hardly any f***-ups!”

The former President himself, when reached for comment, simply stated, “I know the square root of 2403302. Do you?”

George W. Bush Accepts Job Offer As Greeter At Dallas Walmart, Will Donate Earnings To Charity

DALLAS, Texas – George W. Bush Accepts Job Offer As Greeter At Dallas Walmart, Will Donate Earnings To Charity

George W. Bush, 43rd President of the United States, has accepted a job offer to become a greeter at a Dallas, Texas Walmart.

Bush, 68, was offered the position by second-shift manager Bob McDonald after he read about the former President in the local Dallas-Herald newspaper. In the article, Bush expressed that he was growing bored with painting and trying to golf, and would like a job some place involving customer assistance.

“I would like to be of service again and give back to the people, make a difference. You can take the boy out of the neighborhood, but you can’t take the neighborhood out of the backyard,” Bush said in the article.

After reading the piece, McDonald, a Walmart manager with twenty-two years experience at the store, says he wrote a letter to the president offering him a job as a second-shift door greeter. Much to McDonald’s surprise, Bush replied saying he would take the job with one condition – he needed to have the day off for Elvis’ birthday.

“I couldn’t believe it! My first thought was, ‘Holy cow, I’m going to be the boss of a former President of the United States of America!’ Usually we don’t give just anybody Elvis’ birthday off, but you know, I sure as heck couldn’t say no to W,” McDonald said.

Bush, who is also paid for motivational speaking gigs, announced the news to a sold-out crowd at the annual Exxon Oil company meeting in downtown Houston. Bush excitedly talked about his new job while speaking to the packed audience.

“Hard work pays off. I am a prime example. If you never give up on life, you can make it anywhere, and eventually you’ll even end up with a greeter job at Walmart,” said Bush. “Yeah, I am 68-years-old, but this dog has not lost its bark. Walmart is a great American company, and it is my honor to serve.”

Bush said that although he has never shopped at a Walmart, he looks to the position with the company as a new challenge, and new adventure.

“Just like Louis Armstrong said, ‘This is one big step for man, and one giant leap for humanity,” the jolly ex-President said. “I would also like to announce that I will be donating my Walmart salary to the ice-water bucket challenge charity thingy, because no dog deserves to go thirsty.”

President Obama Scores 102 On IQ Test, Lowest In Presidential History

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama Scores 102 On IQ Test, Lowest In Presidential History

As it turns out, the Republicans may have been right all along, and President Obama is not the smartest person in the room after all. Since Woodrow Wilson took office in 1913, all presidents have been given an IQ test at some point during their time as leader. Gerald Ford always held the record for lowest score, with a 111, which is considered just slightly above average. On the other end of the spectrum, George W. Bush scored a 132, which is considered ‘gifted.’ Two-Thirds of people who take the standardized IQ test score between 85-115.

The White House today spun President Obama’s 102 as a ‘solid average’ that is nothing to be ashamed of.

”President Obama never claimed to be smarter than anybody else. As a matter as fact, he has always represented himself as a regular guy, ‘a man of the people,’ as it were,” said  Josh Earnest, White House Press Secretary. “The key to being a good leader is to surround yourself with smart people, which President Obama has always done. As far as needing to be a genius to run the country, well – George W. Bush had the highest score ever, and look at how that mess turned out. So, the next time President Obama bypasses congress with an executive order, and you’re about to say something cruel, racist, or otherwise completely ignorant, remember that he’s just a regular guy getting things done for you. And hey! At least he’s in the triple digits!”

 “Ha! I knew it! King Obama is just a few points away from being a dummy,” said Senator Ted Cruz. ”Einstein was a 160, and guess what America – I scored 145! I’m smarter than 99% of you! When I’m elected President, I’ll bring some common sense and smarts back into the White House. Let’s face it, don’t you want your President to be smarter than the guy asking you whether you want to ‘super size’ your fries at the drive through? ‘Vote for me America, I’m smart!’ Hell, I think I’ll make that a bumper sticker!”

 

George W. Bush Arrested for Cocaine Possession

DALLAS, Texas – George W Bush Arrested For Cocaine Possession

One of the most notorious Presidents in history of The United States of America is back in the spotlight, but not because of his politics. George W. Bush was arrested in a Dallas suburb late Tuesday evening after a routine traffic stop uncovered over an ounce of cocaine in his glove compartment.

Dallas police say they pulled over Bush after he made a right turn without signaling. Officers report they were surprised when seeing it was the ex-president, but felt something was off about his behavior. They say Bush seemed under the influence of a narcotic, and the officers on-scene asked to search the car. Curiously, Bush consented, and police found the narcotics.

“We pulled over the truck and were about to write a simple traffic ticket and things escalated fast,” said officer Charles Cane, a veteran officer with the Dallas Police Department. “At first my partner and I were stunned with who was in the truck ,and [Bush] began to crack jokes and asked if we wanted to take a picture with him. I noticed he was sniffling quite a bit and the glaze on his eyes screamed that the was under the influence.”

Cane said that once the officers uncovered the cocaine, Bush tried to bribe them to keep from getting arrested. When that failed, he turned to threats and rambling, reportedly saying that he would ‘get the FBI to kick their a–‘ and that ‘Presidents can break any laws they want.’

“I broke so many laws when I was in office, and I didn’t see you coming to try to arrest me then!” Bush shouted at police officers. “I’ve been doing coke for decades! I used to blow lines out of a Skull & Bones in New Haven tittie bars when you were making nice in your diapers, kid. You just want your name in the papers next to mine.”

“It was a tough arrest to make, but I didn’t become a police officer to make easy decisions. He begged me over and over to let it slide, then he offered me money, then he called me an ass—-, but that is the way the law goes. We don’t offer special treatment to anyone in Dallas. I don’t care who you are.”

Representatives for Bush have yet to comment, but bail was set at $5,000 and posted immediately. Bush spent less than 6 hours in a holding cell before being released.

 

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