George W. Bush Accepts Job Offer As Greeter At Dallas Walmart, Will Donate Earnings To Charity

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DALLAS, Texas – George W. Bush Accepts Job Offer As Greeter At Dallas Walmart, Will Donate Earnings To Charity

George W. Bush, 43rd President of the United States, has accepted a job offer to become a greeter at a Dallas, Texas Walmart.

Bush, 68, was offered the position by second-shift manager Bob McDonald after he read about the former President in the local Dallas-Herald newspaper. In the article, Bush expressed that he was growing bored with painting and trying to golf, and would like a job some place involving customer assistance.

“I would like to be of service again and give back to the people, make a difference. You can take the boy out of the neighborhood, but you can’t take the neighborhood out of the backyard,” Bush said in the article.

After reading the piece, McDonald, a Walmart manager with twenty-two years experience at the store, says he wrote a letter to the president offering him a job as a second-shift door greeter. Much to McDonald’s surprise, Bush replied saying he would take the job with one condition – he needed to have the day off for Elvis’ birthday.

“I couldn’t believe it! My first thought was, ‘Holy cow, I’m going to be the boss of a former President of the United States of America!’ Usually we don’t give just anybody Elvis’ birthday off, but you know, I sure as heck couldn’t say no to W,” McDonald said.

Bush, who is also paid for motivational speaking gigs, announced the news to a sold-out crowd at the annual Exxon Oil company meeting in downtown Houston. Bush excitedly talked about his new job while speaking to the packed audience.

“Hard work pays off. I am a prime example. If you never give up on life, you can make it anywhere, and eventually you’ll even end up with a greeter job at Walmart,” said Bush. “Yeah, I am 68-years-old, but this dog has not lost its bark. Walmart is a great American company, and it is my honor to serve.”

Bush said that although he has never shopped at a Walmart, he looks to the position with the company as a new challenge, and new adventure.

“Just like Louis Armstrong said, ‘This is one big step for man, and one giant leap for humanity,” the jolly ex-President said. “I would also like to announce that I will be donating my Walmart salary to the ice-water bucket challenge charity thingy, because no dog deserves to go thirsty.”

Maine Woman Claims ‘It’s the Government’s Fault I’m Lazy’

AUGUSTA, Maine – Maine Woman Says 'It's the Government's Fault I'm Lazy'

Candi, 30, of Augusta, Maine, is a career welfare recipient who knows just who to blame for her station in life – and depending on who you ask, it’s either the least or most likely candidate: the US government.

“Honestly, I think it’s all part of the conspiracy to keep the poor white woman down. If Obama would get the economy together and make some better jobs, maybe I’d take one. But what am I going to do, go work at McDonalds, and deal with bitchy customers all day so I can make less than my assistance benefits? F— that,” said Candi, who said she’d only speak with us if we didn’t use her last name, which is Sutphen.

But according to Candi, since she has been out of the working world so long, even McDonalds doesn’t find her to be a worthy candidate. “No one wants to hire you when the last job you had was almost 6 years ago,” she claims. When asked how she got into the welfare system in the first place, Sutphen says the blame lies with Obama.

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“He screwed the economy all up as soon as he got into office, and I got laid off from my great call center job. I got unemployment, and at first I did look for work, but after so much rejection, I stopped really trying, and just I’d applied for random jobs I knew were hiring, but I wasn’t even qualified for in the first place. Obama put through so many unemployment extensions, I had a free ride for almost two years.” Candi says by the end of her time on unemployment, she had given birth to a daughter, Emma, and switched over to Maine’s Temporary Assistance for Needy Families program. That was 3 years ago.

“I tell you what. If I ever did have to find a job, like really find a job, I’d make sure they scheduled me just enough so I didn’t lost my benefits. My friend Desiree works full-time, and now she doesn’t qualify for food stamps or heating assistance. She’s more broke now than she ever was before,” stated Candi. “People think my life is easy. Essentially I’m getting paid to sit on Facebook all day. Granted, that’s nice, but it gets boring, and boring is hard. I’m actually very depressed now. After a full day of watching Judge Judy and Maury, I don’t even feel like doing the dishes.”

The TANF program in Maine has a five-year cap on benefits. When asked what she would do after that, Candi answered, “If things keep going on like this I’m going to apply for disability. Either my lungs are gonna go from these cheap cigarettes I’m forced to smoke, or my doctor at the free clinic says I’ll get it for my depression.”

When asked what would help turn things around, Candi brightened a little. “If I had a car I think I’d be happier, and if I was happier I’d be much more motivated to look for work. I mean, we can afford to drop all these bombs, and feed people overseas, but we can’t make sure our own citizens have transportation. That’s seriously messed up,” said Candi. “I’m not asking for anything fancy like a Subaru or nothing. Just something like a Jetta or a Neon, you know? Not too old, though. Yeah, that would truly make me the happiest girl in the world.”

President Obama To Offer Asylum, Health Care Options To ISIS Members

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama Will Offer Asylum, Health Care Options To ISIS Members

A White House official confirmed this morning that President Barack Obama will be delivering a speech on Friday evening explaining his plan to offer asylum and free health care to ISIS members, with hopes of dismantling the organization by getting members to leave their fellow fighters and home country to seek refuge in the United States.

President Obama, who sources say already expects some backlash on his decision to ‘kill ISIS with kindness,’ says that he feels that he knows what is best for the US, and will be pushing the bill through in the next couple of weeks while Congress takes its recurring 7 week recess.

“I have done many great things as President of this country,” said Obama via written brief statement to the press, “But ISIS members, terrorists in general, they need to know they are not stuck in their evil ways. We as a country have plenty of room to accept all people, and I am opening our borders and our metaphoric arms to them by offering asylum, jobs, and healthcare. Killing them with kindness, breaking down the walls, is what we need to do to beat these villains. I want everyone to love this country as much as I do.”

“I do not agree with the President’s plan. It is moronic. He is inviting some of the cruelest, hate filled people into our country, and then offering them free health care,” said Texas Governor Rick Perry. “If there was ever a way to make your numbers go down in the popularity polls, this would be it.”

President Obama says will go more into detail on Friday about what exactly he plans to offer the former ISIS members that decide to leave their home country and come to the U.S. According to reports, the President expects to start receiving the first refugees by the end of the month.

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