John McCain Says He ‘Accidentally’ Voted No On Healthcare Repeal: ‘My Brain Tumor Got The Best of Me!’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Senator John McCain shocked the entire country by voting NO on the Obamacare repeal on the Senate floor the other day, but even though he made a wave of new fans from the left, he is now saying he made a mistake, and that his brain tumor is to brain.

“I momentarily lost my senses, and literally couldn’t remember which way was up, and which was down,” said McCain, speaking from his home, where doctors have put him on bedrest. “I meant, of course, to vote TO repeal it, as was the plan. As I’ve mentioned before. There’s nothing that Republicans like doing more than screwing the entire country, and so naturally I should have given a thumbs-up. I swear I did. This brain tumor is really taking its toll.”

Unfortunately, the vote sticks as-is, unless a majority calls for a new vote sometime in the next 90 days.

“I think at that vote, I may abstain,” said McCain. “If I’m still alive, I really don’t want to mess this up again, and you never know how my vote might go.”

President Obama To Offer Asylum, Health Care Options To ISIS Members

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama Will Offer Asylum, Health Care Options To ISIS Members

A White House official confirmed this morning that President Barack Obama will be delivering a speech on Friday evening explaining his plan to offer asylum and free health care to ISIS members, with hopes of dismantling the organization by getting members to leave their fellow fighters and home country to seek refuge in the United States.

President Obama, who sources say already expects some backlash on his decision to ‘kill ISIS with kindness,’ says that he feels that he knows what is best for the US, and will be pushing the bill through in the next couple of weeks while Congress takes its recurring 7 week recess.

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“I have done many great things as President of this country,” said Obama via written brief statement to the press, “But ISIS members, terrorists in general, they need to know they are not stuck in their evil ways. We as a country have plenty of room to accept all people, and I am opening our borders and our metaphoric arms to them by offering asylum, jobs, and healthcare. Killing them with kindness, breaking down the walls, is what we need to do to beat these villains. I want everyone to love this country as much as I do.”

“I do not agree with the President’s plan. It is moronic. He is inviting some of the cruelest, hate filled people into our country, and then offering them free health care,” said Texas Governor Rick Perry. “If there was ever a way to make your numbers go down in the popularity polls, this would be it.”

President Obama says will go more into detail on Friday about what exactly he plans to offer the former ISIS members that decide to leave their home country and come to the U.S. According to reports, the President expects to start receiving the first refugees by the end of the month.

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